Driving myself crazy! - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

jen03 · 07-25-2002, 03:03 PM

Arrrgh! I am so mad at myself! I thought I was doing pretty good for a while- I was only puking once a day and now I've puked 5 times in the past 2 days. I also keep taking more and more diet pills but they aren't working! I'm getting so fat, I feel disgusting all the time and I feel like crap. Now, for my worst mistake - one of my friends is catching on to what I'm doing. I told her that I had made myself puke a long time ago but later I told her that I had stopped. Now she doesn't believe me and she's bugging me about it all the time. I'm really afraid she might tell someone else. I don't know what to do! I'm really sorry for this long vent but I just had to get it out.
~Jen~

iwillbehere · 07-25-2002, 03:48 PM

Jen, my heart goes out to you. At one point or another we all go through a stage in our lives where we're unsatisfied with our bodies. For some people its an on going struggle, such as myself. The first step to recovery is telling ourselves we have a problem. And you have to WANT to recieve help before anyone can give it. Your friend maybe nosey in your opinion, but is there any posibility that she could be concerned about you? I know that when I was in you position, where no one knew of my ED, that I was scared if someone where to find out, I'd be ruined, so I denied I had a problem to my friends and family. Yet when I finally told my best friend she was my listening ear and my salvation. The road to recovery is filled with many bumps and mountains, and I'll admit it will be difficult, but with a friend, everything is possible. Not sure I helped much, but hope everything works out for you.

Take care of yourself and keep us updated.

[This message has been edited by iwillbehere (edited 07-25-2002).]

melody · 07-25-2002, 05:35 PM

Jen, if your friend is bugging you, it's because she is concerned. And if she's figured it out, I bet you are underweight and not overweight. Perceptions of our bodies can really get messed up by our mind. Please stop taking the diet pills and try to eat a healthy diet. I don't remember your specifics - like whether you've done any counseling, etc. If you aren't in counseling, please consider it. You need someone that does know that you can talk to about this. Your health is so precious and you are dealing with such a dangerous disease. Please don't let your mind trick you into things that steal your life. Your friend, Mel

youneeak · 07-25-2002, 06:07 PM

Hey,
I know what it's like to be mad at yourself, but you are doing the best you can. You cut yourself down to purging only once a day! GO YOU! you can do it again! You can stop purging completely...I have complete and utter faith in you. In all of us! We can do it! I know we can. WE just have to beleive in ourselves!

As for your friend, I agree with the others that it must be because your body is thinner than you think it is. You need help, and if your friend is questioning you it is because she is concerned. She probably loves you very much, and if you can find the strength to tell her, or someone else, then you'll be making the right steps, and you'll be that much closer to recovery!

good luck!! I'm thinking about you

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

jen03 · 07-26-2002, 03:13 PM

Hey guys, thanks so much for replying to my post! I'm feeling much better now. Mel - no, I've never had any counseling or anything like that. I'm just starting to come to terms with the fact that I might have an eating disorder and I don't think I'm ready to tell anyone about it yet. I have no idea what I would do if my parents found out! I agree with you all about my friend being worried about me but I just wish she wouldn't get mad at me for it like she does (although I guess I can't expect her to be happy about it!) Anyways, I have to run but thanks again for all of your support! You guys are great!
~Jen~