Have I found a place to be comfortable? - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Andre33 · 07-28-2002, 10:01 AM

Hello eveyone, I am new at this, but I think I have found the place that I can find people who actualy know how I feel. I have read quite a few of your posts and thought that maybe releasing some off my chest will make me feel better.
I am a 33 year old, whos had an eating disorder for almost 8 years. It is, by my opinion, a physical disorder in my throat that prevents me from swallowing food correctly. I have been to specialists and therapists, some either dont believe me and give me the "your crazy looks" or they just prescribe medication that makes me feel worse. I am in fear of taking pills because they get caught in my throat.
I could be considered bulimic, but I dont hide it from everyone, I eat a meal, and sometimes I regergitate food. I have not purged for a week and am very happy about that.
I have lost all of my teeth due to purging. Years and years of purging. I am trying my hardest not to. But sometimes the regergitation happens without my consent, and sometimes after cetain food I have a strong urge to purge because it is physically uncomfortable.
It was a factor in my divorce, and now.. 2 years later, I am still affraid to get involved with anyone because of my disorder.
My self esteem is kinda low. I fear of caring for someone who might not understand or just doesnt want to get involved with someone as ill as I am.
It hurts. I think that I will be stuck with this forever. There is nothing that seems to help.
I sometimes just sit here waiting to die. I just dont understand how or why, but I just know that its ripping me in two.

melody · 07-28-2002, 11:35 AM

Hi Andre, welcome to the ED board. I'm happy for you that you haven't purged in a week. How long were you with the therapists? Did you stick with counseling long enough to help? I guess you've had a scope of your esophagus to make sure there aren't restrictions that are causing the difficulty in swallowing? I have Barret's esophagus so I have to get the endoscopies every few years - but I don't have any restrictions in my esophagus. I have known people who did have though. If that's been ruled out, I guess they must think it is more psychological?

Glad you've come. Tell us a little more about what you've tried to overcome the bulimia - and how you're addressing the depression. You've been dealing with this a lot of years, but it's definitely not hopeless. Mel

youneeak · 07-28-2002, 04:24 PM

Hi and welcome Andre!!

I'm so glad that you found this board and I can assure you that it is a great place to get your thoughts out to people who are wonderful and loving and supportive! I love it here, it's been a great place to come, and as I'm sure you have seen, I'm here quite a bit.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with the consequences of being a long-time ED sufferer! It's not fair that we struggle so much with our ED and then suffer the consequences just when we think we might be getting better! I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce and "relationship" fears as well! That's difficult, and I can relate to you on not wanting to get involved with someone because you are afraid they can't handle your illness! THAT'S WHERE I AM! I have a wonderful man in my life, who I love with all my heart, but I can't let myself get close to him, and as soon as we start to take the "next" step I freak out and push him away. I'm just so afraid that if he ever found out about my ED that he wouldn't be able to handle it and he would leave me. I guess I'm also afraid that if I told him I would be dragging him, unfairly, into MY mess and he doesn't deserve that. Does any of that make sense to you?

I also have many times where I HAVE to purge because it's physically uncomfortable! I didn't know anybody else had that, where it was less of a mental game than it was an actual physical pain game. Wow...it's amazing how everyday I figure out that I'm less and less alone! Thank you for sharing!!

For the record, however, I do not think you will be stuck with this forever!!!!

I am a strong believer (as i'm sure you'll figure out) that EVERYBODY HAS THE POWER TO BEAT THEIR ED!! Don't let it win! Please? Talk to someone, post here, keep reminding yourself that you are beautiful and deserve help! You deserve a life that doesn't contain an ED. It's a long road to recovery, but you can make it. All it takes is one step at a time. Put one foot in front of the other, and you'll be suprised at how far you get! I have faith in everyone here...I have faith in you!!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~