CHICKLET

Oh god, rite i have a few things so bear with me.

Yesterday when i didnt eat nothin but a chocolate bar which i deeply regreted, as u can tell from my post called faliure, well when i was walking to my busstop just up the road from where i work, i had a sudden rush or energy like high, and i could feel that my heart was beating so fast, it was a bit scary i have never had that before. And usually I eat absolutely nothing all day till i get home and i am fine. Anyone know what it was????

Well after walking that amount up to my busstop My mum rang and asked me if i wanted to go shopping with her, for some holiday clothes, (eewww) but i needed some new clothes so i agreed so i met her in town, and we went to all the shops which i luv and i tried on loads of things, i felt so bad honestly. Even when i didnt have these feelings about my weights years ago I still felt the same way when i tried clothes on but yesterday were even worse.

I like tight fitting pants, my mum always goes mad at me for buying them her exact words are all the time "u look anorexic in those" but the funny thing is that is what makes me feel good, stupid i know.
but after she says that i look in the mirror and see the same ole fat body which i hate and dispise, i dont see anorexia i see obeseity, just how i feel and cant help that. When i try on clothes and i dont like what i see my mum says i must see something totally different to what every1 else sees and i agree i must do,she says i care to much about what people think and i think that is true to.

Anyway back to today, today i have been getting these quite bad pains when i breath in or walk. In my chest they are i think (not to sure) I dont know why i am getting them today because everyday i go without breakfast and dinner so it cant be that cause i have never had them b4 anyone know?

nother thing, I have to eat tea, cause i live with my mum n dad and we always eat tea together watching the telly. If i lived on my own i wud go without tea to. but as i dont i cant.
I never eat cakes or nothin after tea just my meal, but still i cant seem to get the thought out of my head that i need to throw it up so it wil be like i have been good all day goin without food, isnt that sad. I used to purge after meals but stopped cause it was to much effort so i just take apple cider vinergar pills but the thought of a big chicken dinner inside of me makes me want to be sick just thinking about it.

Sorry it is so long