Today's thoughts... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

9volt · 08-06-2002, 04:25 AM

Yes, it's me again. Feel kinda guilty for continuing to post messages about me, but there just isn't anyone else to listen.
I couldn't sleep on Sunday night. I spent the whole afternoon, evening, night, and monday morning, eating. It was a new record for me, I think I broke the 12,000kcal barrier. Needless to say I spent the whole day yesterday feeling disgusted, full of self-loathing. I wonder why we do this to ourselves?
I've gained 14lbs in the last 2 or 3 weeks. I just can't stop eating. It has gotten so desperate that last night I took eight times the recommended dose of sleeping pills, because when I'm asleep I'm not eating, right?
Today I am frightened, really bloody scared. I've spent all my month's wages (only paid 6 days ago). I've thrown away all the food in my cupboards but I've got that feeling again... that really deep, dark, urge to get to the supermarket, to fill myself up with food.

I'm so damn angry and frustrated with myself. What life is this?

[9Volt, please remember that discussion on suicide is inappropriate on this board. Use the link at the top of the Eating Disorders main page titled, "Click Here for Suicide or Off-Board Communications Info" if you are feeling suicidal in order to seek professional help. Thank you ~ Roxy]

[This message has been edited by *Roxy* (edited 08-07-2002).]

youneeak · 08-06-2002, 12:34 PM

Oh 9volt, i'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now!!!

(((((((((

9volt

)))))))))))))

Never ever ever ever feel guilty about posting on these boards. I'm sorry I wasn't around yesterday to reply to your post!!!!

You are a wonderful person who deserves help! Have you considered professional counseling? Or maybe a nutritionist? We're here to support you as much as we can! We love you, and can understand how difficult the fight with food actually is!! But I believe in you! I know how strong you are!!! You give such hope to others on this board, that I hope we can give some back to you!!

[Edited] People love you whether or not you weigh what you do now or if you lose 50 pounds or gain 50 pounds! It's just a number...it doen't define who you are! You are more than that!! You are worth more than that!!!!! You are beautiful and wonderful and loved!!!

Don't get too down on yourself. You're doing the best you can! You're working on getting better, and recovery is a b**ch! We know how difficult it is, and none of us would ever judge you...we're struggling with you, and you can post here as often as you want!!

How are you doing today?? any better? Please let us know!! I'm thinking about you and sending happy thoughts and prayers your way!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

[This message has been edited by *Roxy* (edited 08-07-2002).]

9volt · 08-07-2002, 01:40 AM

You always say such positive and nice things Sarah, thank you. Today I'm feelin kinda good. I havn't b/p for two days in a row now.... a personal best!!! I guess I'm a bit scared because I have this feeling that any success is "the calm before the storm". I'm not deliberately trying to be on a downer, and of course I am pleased with myself, I just know that it could be a matter of hours or minutes before I gorge myself again. Don't you find the 'round and round and round' nature of it all so exhausting?
You're right about the need for professional help. My doctor put me on a six month waiting list for counselling and when I did finally get an appointment to see somebody, it was at 10.30 in the morning! I tried to explain that I can't take an hour off work every week becuase of the job that I have. They wouldn't give me an appointment outside office hours, and since then, nothing. I was paying to see a counseller privately a while ago, and he was so good, I really began to notice an improvement. But the funds ran-out.
Now i'm not sure what to do. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
Anyway, lets focus on the good things today yeah?!

youneeak · 08-07-2002, 07:44 PM

9volt, I am so glad that you've gone 2 days without a b/p cycle!! that really is something to be proud of!!!! I know what you mean about just 'waiting to fail' i do that too. But just remember that the only way you would fail is if you give up. minor set backs are going to happen, but you're strong enough to stand back up and fight this thing again!! You can do it!!

I'm sorry to hear about the dr.'s problems! That has to be highly annoying!! Hopefully they'll get it figured out soon!! You're doing great, sweetheart, let usk now how you're feeilng tomorrow, k?

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

mel333 · 08-08-2002, 11:07 AM

Hi 9volt,

You are doing really well hanging in there. It can be really scary to give up the whole purging thing. There does not have to be "the calm before the storm". Try to stay in the present and focus on one day or even one minute at a time. Reward yourself for 2 days and no binge this is fantastic!!! The feelings can be overwhelming but they do go away and life without binging is really worth it.
I remember doing those caloric record intakes of everything I could and then driving to the service station at all hours, bloated, looking guilty and desperately guzzling everything in the car petrified I'd have an accident and be found bloated to bursting point. It was really depressing for me and I felt so out of control. I couldn't cope and would just cry and cry or lock myself away in my room with these awful feelings.
It does pass. You really need to talk to someone and I know the timing with with can be hard. What about lunchtime or after work? It;s worth it to take time off if you can. Could you tell work you were going to the DR or something? If you can't see someone keep talking here. Writing also really helped me, non stop on the page getting all the feelings out. It's worth a try. Take care,

Mel