Caution: Help!!! - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

2crazy4u · 08-10-2002, 02:27 PM

I don't know what to do. I want to stop throwing up because I know it's bad for me. I want to eat fat because I know I should. I miss candy and cake. I don't want to die of this, but I don't exactly 100% believe I will. I mean, I understand the statistics and facts, but I think I am the one that it will be different for. I don't want to be fat ever again. I weighed 145 pounds at 5'0 tall in 6th grade. I am now a freshman and am 5'3 1/2 and weigh 110, usually (it varies a little). I feel better about myself in a swim suit, but I still feel bad about my appearance. No matter how hard I try, I can't look like a model and eat like a normal, healthy person. I could just puke everything up, like I do, even though all I eat is a lot of fat free junk. Even pop. I don't eat meat. I want to eat like m & m's sometimes, but still look great. Even a little fat would be okay, maybe. I just feel bad when I am hungry and eat more food to stay full, so I puke it back up sometimes. I have been doing it a lot more recetly. I am getting used to it. I need to exercise, but I feel too tired, can't sleep long enough to feel energized, and I have no motivation. I am on Prozac for OCD and depression. I think I may be bipolar, but I have mood swings several times a day. I can get very depressed. I self-mutilate sometimes, and I think I have an eating disorder, and I want help, but at the same time, I want to stay like this; thin. My mom is worried and threatened to put me in the hospital. She was dead serious. I have read books on eating disorders, but that is just like,"I know what will happen, but at this point, I don't care." I get more attention from guys, so that is a positive side to staying thin. A negative is, I am flat-chested, and I almost lost my period! I was scared. My parents can be real A**holes to me, and my dad sometimes gets a little violent. My mom just slaps me or B****es at me. It is annoying. My friends are afraid for me, and I am depressed. I don't know what to do. I am seeing a psychiatrist, but it doesn't help a ton. Also, I want out of my relationship with my bf. Does anyone have anything to say to help, or at least relate???!!!

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Caitlin

youneeak · 08-10-2002, 07:57 PM

Hey Caitlin,

First of all, i want to say that I'm so glad that you found the courage to post your concerns.

And on that note i want to tell you, that although I am not a medical professional, you have a problem! There are so so so many things that can go wrong with people who struggle with bulimia. There are health risks at every corner. It sounds as if you know what they are...but maybe i'll remind you of some...rotten teeth, damaged organs, kidney failure, throat irritation, throat problems, throat cancer...death.

You said that you don't think you 100% believe that you can die from this, trust me when I tell you that you can. You're not overreacting, death is a possibility. You deserve help, you deserve to get better.

Does anybody know about your food problems? Have you told your therapist? Your parents? any friends? Sometimes it helps...something to consider.

As for the other things in your post, OH WOW CAN I RELATE!! (as can many others,i'm sure) I, too, WANT to stop throwing up because it's bad for me (and because, frankly, I'm tired of being "sick" all the time) but there's always the issue of being "fat" and gaining weight. As Cat always says, though, how many people do you know that have beaten an ED and gotten fat?? NONE! Work on getting better and the weight that you gain in your recovery will come back off naturally.

Also...candy isn't the enemy, one day you'll realize this (one day we all will)...I know about feeling guilty after you eat! It's a hard thing to stop.

I hope you continue to post, and let us know how you're doing!! This is a great great board for support and understanding! We're all struggling, have struggled, or love someone who is struggling with an ED. It helps to have people to relate to!!

Let us know how you're doing!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

singingsmiles · 08-10-2002, 08:00 PM

oh...caitlin, I don't even know what to say! Except that I'm sorry! I'm sorry that you have to go through all of that! I'm a sophomore in high school and i weigh 110, so I can understand the pressures that you feel under when entering a new place like highschool or many other things that go through your mind at that time in your life! And, i don't know what to say except that i'm sorry you have to go through this! But, you found the right place to come! We'll give you all the love and support we can! We'll be behind you and be here to help you as much as you can!! Stay strong!

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--katie--

2crazy4u · 08-11-2002, 06:49 AM

Thank you for posting, Katie and Sarah. It makes me feel a little better to know someone is going through the same thing, understands, and is there to offer support and guidance. I have told some of my friends, but they all want me to promise them I will stop. What they don't understand is that I CAN'T! I have a disease. You can't just stop your disease, it takes time and effort. I don't want to quit, but I know I should. I just have this terrible fear that rules my life of gaining weight again and not having attention from guys. I know it sounds shallow, but I like their compliments, seeing as very few people ever give me any. Everyone assumes that if they tell me I am pretty, I will be stuck-up. I won't. I just like to feel like I am something special. Since I am depressed, that makes me feel a little better about myself. I just don't know how to break this cycle and love myself for who I am. I know that I should find out soon, before I permanently damage myself or worse.

Dawning_Summer · 08-11-2002, 09:26 AM

Hi, I just want to say that it sounds like that you ARE beautiful person. Inside and out. At 5'3 and 110...that's good! I am 5'0 and 140. Your case sorta sounds like mine when I was bulimic. I also suffered from depression and did some self-mutilation. "Head doctors" never really seem to help do they?

I can't help you much but I am always here to listen to you and help when I can. Believe it or not, I do care.

*hugs to you* Be safe my friend.

Summer