bad bad day! - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

singingsmiles · 08-06-2002, 09:10 PM

Okay, I'm going to do a little vernting now...

My day started out great! I talked with one of my friends who knows about my ED, and she was really talking to me about getting help, and how she thinks i'm pretty and skinny! And, to try and eat and go on a HEALTHY diet. When I got off line from talking to her, I felt so great about myself! I looked in the mirror and I saw a wonderful person and a wonderful body! It didn't look like my thighs were huge anymore, it didn't look like I had a flabby stomach! I felt great! I thought my day was going head on and strong!

My day dropped from then! I thought that I'd be fine if I ate lunch and dinner today! So i did! But after each one, I felt sick...I had come up with ways that I could escape to a bathroom, and purge everything that I have eaten, and feel better! I never went through with those, thank goodness, i was too scared!

Then, I was at drivers ed...if we had our permits with us then we had to take ours out. Well, I did, so I took it out and put it on the table. The person next to me, picked it up and looked at it. She was like "is this your REAL weight" and i was like "yeah"...She said it in a way that she didn't believe me! That she didn't believe that I could be 110 pounds. I felt even fatter at that moment! I wanted to scream and run out of the class! I wanted to hide!

My parents, my friends, my parents friends, my whole family, all call me skinny! Why can't I believe them? Why, do i have to look at myself and see this? And act like this? It's just not fair! And when I told my mom after dinner [on my way to drivers ed class] that I felt sick and that i thought I ate too much she was like "you did NOT eat TOO much!" and i was like "but I feel sick!" and she didn't say anything!

Okay, well, I think I'm done for now!

------------------
--katie--

daonlylilone · 08-06-2002, 09:29 PM

Katie-
I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a yound age. I however was once in the place that you are, and pretty much still am. I finally hit bottom my Junior year in high school when my weight was 78 pounds, I was eating 1 apple each day and that was all. There is no easy way to control this disease and you will never be fully recovered. I am 23, 5'3", and weigh 110 dripping wet- I can still wear childrens clothes and I still diet. I look in the mirror and I do not like what I see- I feel like like I am fat, but on the other hand I look at the sizes of my clothes and know that I am not. What you have to overcome is a mental problem- like I have. You need to be able to look into the mirror and see reality-a thin, beautiful young woman. I know that is harder said than done- I have been battling this for 10 years now- but it can be done. You also need to have self esteem and control in you life. Know that there are always other people out there who know what you are going through. However, you do need to face the facts- if you continue to purge yourself, it will kill you and I know that you are not literaly dying to be thin. Have you thought about counsling? You need to fnd out what the underlying problem is that is causing you to purge yourself so you will be able to correct your problem.

mel333 · 08-07-2002, 08:44 AM

Hi Katie,
You should listen to your friend and people who care and beleive them. Don't worry about someone's reaction to your weight that you don't know. Don't worry about what others think, that person could have meant anything or may have been paranoid about their own weight.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It is difficult to defeat an ED. Try taking small steps and ccongratulate yourslef when you have a good day even if it's only I hour. You can then make progress and slowly get your body used to healthy food.
I know that feeling when you feel fat and it causes so much anxiety. Try to take your mind of it or just talk here. You can do it ! I t definetly helped me stop purging when I ate healthy and talked at length to a psycologist. Have you considered talking to anyone?
Take care,
Mel

youneeak · 08-07-2002, 07:57 PM

I'm soooooooooooooooo glad your day started off so great!!! You changed you thought processes, if only just for a short time...YOU DID IT! And that's not an easy thing to do. Mel is right, congratulate yourself on small victories! And this WAS a victory!!

I know you feel bad about eating lunch and dinner...but that's the ED talking, remember that. Yuo deserve food...and you gave your body food! ANOTHER VICTORY!!!

Even if it doesn't feel like it, you ate and didn't purge...even though you wanted to. Yuo found self-control...I'M SO GLAD FOR YOU.

I'm sorry about the person in your driver's ed class...stupid person. I know how it feels to have someone completely strip you of your confidence, and it's not fair! I'm so sorry they had to be so insensitive. But Mel is right...try and believe the people who love you. You are a beautiful girl with such a bright future...and those who love you can see that, they want to help you see that too!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

singingsmiles · 08-07-2002, 08:12 PM

I have only had long talks with my friends about it, not my parents, other family members, or someone who could get me help.

Today, was a bad day though. I ate all 3 meals today, and that made me feel so terrible! But, I'm trying to get better myself, w/o help from someone in a way that my parents would have to know!

But, this morning, I sat in the bathroom, when no one was home, trying to get myself to purge! I kept gagging and then i broke down in tears. I left and sat down in front of the tv in tears until my mom came home.

Then, my friend called, and asked me to go online so we could talk. I talked to her for an hour. She said that she's realized that my ED has gotten worse and she's really worried about me. She's trying to get me to tell someone, and I know I need to, but i'm so scared! I'm going to work on getting myself better and get the courage to tell someone, if I can't do this with the help of just my friends and I. I hope it works!

Then, at drivers ed, during the break, this girl and I went and bought popcorn and a pepsi...she got the popcorn, and i got the pepsi. She made a comment on that I'm so skinny because I didn't eat the popcorn or candy the teacher was passing around. And, it was really weird to me, but it was the same girl who said yesterday "this is your REAL weight". So i don't know.

Anyway, that's about it for today...

------------------
--katie--