I'm so worried... I don't want to relapse into bulimia again... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Ashlee · 12-05-2002, 10:59 PM

Hey, there.

I know I’ve mentioned here before about how well things are going with my bulimia... and that I’ve even begun my recovery... but I’m now a little worried.

I still look at myself in the mirror and see myself as a lot bigger than I can actually be, as I know what my weight is... but even so, I’ve made it this far and I’m telling myself that’s it’s just all in my head, which is fine.

So I’m not stressing over that one too much.

However, I’ve just started working a full time job (it’s the summer holidays here and I have two and a half months off from school, although I’ve decided I won’t be returning for the final year anyway). Well, I work from 8:30 am right up until 5:00 pm or 5:30 pm - depending on how busy it’s been and how much I still have to do in way of cleaning, packing away food, dishes, counting up the money in the till - after the Cafe is closed. When I applied for the job they told me at the interview that I’d have a half hour lunch break and two ten minute breaks... instead each of us only gets 5 minutes or MAYBE 10 minutes at the most for lunch... and that’s it for the day.

The problem is, with this short break I’m finding it far too easy just to not eat all together.

I don’t want to go downhill all the way again... I’ve come too far now. But I don’t want to be fat... and if I have the option of eating/not eating... I usually choose not too. Today at around 2pm I still hadn’t had my lunch break and first one of the other workers came in to tell me that she wanted me to take a break... then the secretary came in and told me to take a break... and then the OTHER worker there came in and saw me still working and she just said, “Oh my God... Take a break! I want you to sit down now and have something to eat”. So really I had no way out of it... she even sat with me with her own lunch but I just wasn’t hungry.

I don’t want to eat when I’m not hungry yet I can’t seem to get away there with NOT eating. What should I do?

I don’t want to get so sick again... that was just too scary. I also don't WANT o take a break when I don't need one... I wasn't even tired... I hadn't worked THAT long yet! (((sigh))) These eating disorders sure do a good job at ruining a person's life.

Ashlee

[This message has been edited by Ashlee (edited 12-06-2002).]

blue cloud · 12-06-2002, 06:53 AM

((((((((((((((ashlee)))))))))))))))))))) ))))))

you wirte so well you are able to express yourself so clearly i wish i could do that

i wish i had some advice for you but things are so crazy for me at the moment but i can relate to your head telling you one thing and yet you know you should be doing another it is hard so so so hard

keep fighting i know i am a fine one to talk but you will be in my thoughts
stay strong

------------------
love and bubbles blue

youneeak · 12-06-2002, 02:10 PM

Hey Ashlee!!

First of all, congrats on surviving the school year and for being on summer break...and for getting a job! GO YOU!!

As for getting sick again, I have complete faith in you. You're such a strong person with such strong convictions about life. You should, though, probably eat something even if you're not hungry. I know that's a really hard concept to grasp for someone with an ED. My boyfriend struggles with me over this for a long time. It will be late at night and I would not have eaten all day...but I don't feel hungry. He will insist that I eat something, because even if you don't feel hungry, your body still needs the food and energy. Especially with working that job...I'm sure you're burning off all this energy without even thinking about it.

alright hon, I have to run, but I will talk to you soon.

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!!

never give up
~sarah~

Faith80 · 12-06-2002, 05:00 PM

Hey Ahslee,
Sarah is complety right; your body doesn't know it's hungry signals anymore so you have to force yourself to eat. Can I be straight with you and ask a question? Does part of you love the fact that your co-workers are telling you to take breaks and go and eat? I know I used to love that, people being worried about me, but not really being able to do anything about it...it's just a thought.
It took a long time for me to get true hunger signals from my body and there's still times I have to force myself to eat; I know it's important and there are times I think I'm fat, but I also know that's my eating disorder voice trying to come back and tell me lies. For a long time it was my best friend, now I know it wasn't a friend at all.
Take care sweetie.

------------------
As long as there is life, there is hope

JJay · 12-14-2002, 01:59 PM

Ash, you'll be ok. Eat if you want to, if nyou dont want to then dont, but try not to get hung up over it.Dont let the other people make you eat, but try and eat yourself, because you want to.
Are you still getting time to ride? to run? That must make you hungry! I'm so proud of how well you're doing in your recovery! love ya! Jay xxx