holidays - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

youneeak · 12-24-2002, 03:35 AM

Hi everyone,

I will try to keep this short, I have a lot of things bouncing around in my head right now. It's 5:30 AM on Christmas Eve Morning. I haven't slept...just ate and I feel horrible. Being up all night made me very hungry.

I've been falling apart lately, I want to blame it on the holidays. I was doing so good...eating food...only then I started gaining weight. I wasn't OVER-EATING...and granted, I was eating fairly highly-fattening foods, but nothing that should have made me gain the weight I've gained. The only reason I can come up with is possibly that because my body isn't used to food that the little bit of food I am feeding it, is making me gain the weight. I don't know. I'm just very scared. I feel so fat.

For my best friends christmas gift, I gave her a picture frame with lots of pictures (new and old) of me and her. Going through those pictures was the hardest thing EVER. I used to weigh 100 pounds more than I do right now. (I was significantly overweight, now I'm "normal") It's so hard to look at these pictures...and I look at the ones from last Christmas. I weighed about 40 or 50 pounds more than I do right now. I wore pants that were 6 sizes bigger than the ones I will wear today. And yet...I feel so much fatter now than I ever did back then. I can't explain it.

I'm so scared about today and tomorrow. I want to starve myself---not eat again until all the fattening foods are gone...but what if I can't do that? I'll feel like a failure. I can't purge with my entire family here. They'll know. Some of my family already suspects that I"m sick. What am I going to do? Ok, sorry, so much for keeping this short. hehe Good luck everyone! Happy Holidays!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

cutenbrat · 12-24-2002, 09:58 AM

Hello Sarah,
I can relate to your post in so many ways. I go through old pictures and cringe at the fat self I was(I was what others called a normal weight) and like you, I am now a few sizes smaller in cloths size, but feel just as fat, if no fatter. I hate it, but I also realize that it's my eating disorder mind that is lying to me. I try to remember that when I look in the mirror I'm seeing something that isn't real. I see a fat blob, while other keep saying I look like a stick, or the wind could blow me away and so on. At first I loved these comments, now I don't believe them. I think it's all a set up, that they are paid to say it or they have to say or it or something like that.
Hon, I know all to well how hard the holidays and eating is. I cringe at just thinking of it,yet what I do to get by is eat tons of fresh fruit and veggies throughout the day at the parties and that not only fills me up, but also lets other see I am eating. My family knows I have ane eating disorder and in some ways this makes things harder, but in other ways it lets them there to support me.
Hon, hang in there. I gotta log off for now for I need to get ready to go to a party myself (my stomach is tight just thinking of it)

youneeak · 12-24-2002, 02:53 PM

Hi!

Thanks for the reply. It helps to have a reminder that I'm not completely alone in these feelings..sometimes it feels like I'm the only one not strong enough to just GET OVER my ED already. It's been so long, and the holidays scare me. My family is about to arrive any minute, I've been cooking all day, I don't know what I"m going to eat...I won't eat anything I've made. Too much fat and grease and gross stuff. I did cut up some fresh veggies, but even that makes me feel fat. BLAH! What happened to me, I was doing so good. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!! Hope to talk to you all soon!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

cutenbrat · 12-24-2002, 03:19 PM

Hang in there Sarah. It's not easy to deal with what we are dealing with. Today I didn't do as well as I had hoped. I ate some things I felt bad about and of course purged...I hate that I didn't follow my own advice.
Sarah, veggies and fruit won't hurt you or make you gain weight..I understand your fear though. I have the same fears myself. Sometimes if I binge on them and I feel full I can't stand it and than will purge, even though I know they probaly won't make me gain weight.
I would love to add more on, but the house is crawling with people and I don't want my words read-it's enough that I will be delating the history in a minute..

Ashlee · 12-24-2002, 05:47 PM

Hi, there Sarah and Cutenbrat.

I'm sorry for what you two are going through at the moment. I wish that everyone of us could just have a BREAK and enjoy Christmas - after all some of us go though every year, you'd think we deserved one! But I guess it's just not that easy huh? Christmas just makes things worse.

This morning we went over to our neighbour's - there was quite a group of us there - and we all had a Christmas Breakfast together. I had to use the bathroom but I didn't force myself to purge (

)... after all I'd hardly eaten a thing! But then I noticed the scales in the bathroom and I hopped on (I can't use the ones at home 'cause they were hidden about a year ago!). These were those older sort of scales and I looked at the numbers wrong and it looked about 15 pounds more than I really am - I just cried! I honestly cried, I was so upset. My mum came in to see what was wrong and she just hugged me and told me things would be alright - not to worry so much - and that I didn't need to worry about anything.

I felt like crap... then after I managed to read the scales properly I was just SOOO relieved, it felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders... and I even managed to eat a little 'bad food'.

Now it's Christmas afternoon and I'm not really doing anything for a while. I will go and visit my horse soon and take him out for a 'Christmas ride' tonight, and of course we've got the usual 'Christmas dinner' later - I always HATE those! Darn... ah well, I won't eat much - mum's getting better about letting me eat what I feel comfortable with eating now that I'm "in recovery".

I know what it's like to look through old photos, too. I always HATED my appearance!

The fact is I was NEVER overweight when I was younger - I've always been in the underweight catagory which is partly what I think brought on my anorexia - the FEAR that ONE DAY I might gain weight. Dumb, huh? I guess we're all in the same boat here... that's why we gotta stick together!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

Lots of love and best Christmas Wishes,
Ash