Hey Everyone!
I hope that y'all had a great holiday. [or as close as possible] I found that this has been one of my hardest/worst Christmas' that I have ever had. It's a very hard feeling to explain-I have so many different emotions. I have the best friend ever imaginable! She's always there when I need her and understands when I need to talk to her but something just won't let me. She won't push me into it. We make sure that we know where the other is and how [if possible] to reach them, just in case. [which is now a lot easier b/c i got a cell phone for christmas
] But this is also my first Christmas with my ED. That has made a lot of things so much harder. We have a tradition in my family to make x-mas cookies and those have been hard to stay away from. I haven't been able to stay away [esp since they are my favorite junk food]-so the number of times I've purged in one day has gone up. I'm even purging on an empty stomach in hope that something will come up from the last time that I ate-and nothing ever does. It's amazing how I can let food [or no food] effect my life so much. My parents got me some clothes for x-mas. I was trying everything on to make sure that it fit and that I liked it. Well, I got this really cute pair of khaki pants that were size 4. Well, they were big-just about every where. My dad made some comment about if I ate then blah blah blah. I don't remember it exactly but it was something about eating healthier foods [which is just about all i eat] but somehow it turned into a "katie is too skinny" kind of thing. I don't really understand it that much. But I was on the phone with my best friend at the time and she heard me say something about "look for a size 2 in these pants" and started saying stuff about how she'd never even think about wearing a 2 but she sounded concerned which means that we'll probably talk about it another day. Which concerns me because my cousin is staying with my family for the next 2 days. I'm just afraid that the convo would get kind of emotional and that he might get curious or something. I was also concerned that it might be harder to hide my purging from him but that has been proved wrong already, My parents are too busy trying to keep him occupied, that less attention has been put on me. I've been able to run to the bathroom because they are asking him questions about what he wants to do and stuff. Also, he wasn't hungry for lunch and we were playing a game on the computer so I was able to get out of lunch too. And even though I know that that probably isn't what is "right" it made me happy! Another thing that has been very difficult on me is that my dad is on a diet so he has been very health conscious and worried about what he eats-but I can't make a comment or I get my head bit off. With my dad, it's very healthy for him to lose some weight, so him and my mom say we are all going to "count points" in our food but when I talk about the amount of "points" that were just figured out with what I was just eating-there I go and get my head bit off again. Now another thing about the clothes-I got this one shirt. Obviously with my username, I love to sing, so I got a karaoke shirt. And it says karaoke in big letters, has a microphone, the "date" of the "karaoke night" [which happens to be my birthday] but then it also says "it's not about the talent, it's about the look." And I mean it only says that because the shirt is really only advertising the clothing store that it came from-but with an ED it's hard not to believe it. If my sister hadn't pointed that out I might not have noticed it right away. I love the shirt but when I saw that, it put me in a quick state of shock.
I hope that everyone had a good holiday and Christmas [at least better than mine in terms of food issues]. I do have some things to be thankful for this Christmas:
-that my best friend wasn't hurt in the car accident she was recently in
-for all of you at this board that are always there for me when I need it the most!
Happy Holidays again to you and a Happy New Year!
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--katie--
worst christmas ever 
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