swings and roundabouts - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

blue cloud · 12-04-2002, 05:31 AM

hi all i know most of you probably dont know me all that well but i guess i just need some words wisdom

i have been doing so well with my bulimia but at the moment things seem to be getting worse actually i know they are getting worse i puge everything i eat (i never used to do this i only used to binge and purge)

and i cant eat anything without feeling asthough i have to get it out of my body

i dont know what to do i know what i want to do just not what i am supposed to do

everything was just getting back to normal and now its like 'here we go again'

sorry for rambling i had to get it out

youneeak · 12-05-2002, 09:23 AM

AWWW!! blue cloud!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so...dare I attempt a pun...blue.

(hehe, sorry, couldn't resist...)

anyway---I've been where you are, you are not alone. Have you considered telling anybody about your ED, or having you tried, or considered getting professional help? I'll tell you, from personal experience, that it's not the most wonderful time you'll ever have (getting professional help and taking the steps towards recovery) but it is beneficial.

Purging everything you eat is so bad for your body. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Unfortunatly, you are not alone. Many people who struggle with bulimia have to go thorugh this step...from purging only what they CHOSE to...to feeling the need to purge EVERYTHING they eat. Feeling empty is such a rush...and purging is so much easier than starvation...but it's killing your body, mind, and spirit...slowly.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, if I could take away everyone's ED's I would...because it's such an internal struggle. On one hand you WANT to get better, to be healthy, etc etc etc...but on the other hand...being healthy still means being "fat" to so many of us. Trying to remember that that isn't true, is 1/2 the battle. Good luck!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Ashlee · 12-05-2002, 11:25 PM

Howdy, Blue Cloud!

It’s good to hear from you again! So sorry things aren’t going so well for you at the moment... but don’t be worried because eventually they WILL.

The reason you seemed to be getting better and then had this downfall is most likely because you never actually received professional help that you need to recover from this bulimia that you’re struggling with. I am right in thinking that you never received help for it, right?

Please seriously consider getting professional help now, before things get even worse. I used to be in a similar situation where I would only purge when I WANTED to... but when I was at my worst I threw up EVERYTHING I ate, I just couldn’t help it. I know it sounds gross that I had no control over it, but I assure you, this can happen to ANYONE. Imagine being in a restaurant one day and having that happen! Not very pretty...

You any your therapist can work through your bulimia step by step and eventually you’ll be doing so well, you’ll barely even think about food other than saying to yourself, “I’m hungry, I think I’ll go and have something to eat”. Wouldn’t that be nice? You wouldn’t even be worried! Not that you should be now... but then there come those darn eating disorder thoughts again!

Like Sarah said, at some points therapy can get a bit tough, but mostly you’ll actually just appreciate that there is someone there for you to talk to who is actually trying to work with you to get you better. There were times during therapy when I DREADED life... I just wanted it to be over... I didn’t really care to live anymore. I felt dismayed whenever a therapy session was coming up... but then at the same time, if ever I COULN’T go to therapy for one reason or another, I felt completely lost. I just felt like I needed to talk to her about my bulimia... even though I don’t do hardly ANY of the talking there! (I’m really shy.)

In the end it was a good idea because I’m getting better now. I still se a counselor and I do get weighed up at the clinic, and it sure seems to take a long time but all in all it’s worth the struggle. I no longer want my life to be over... I no longer wish that some freak accident would occur that might end my life... I’m just plain and simple feeling a whole lot better.

Well, I’m very sorry to have gone on for so long about myself! I just wanted to give you a little insight, so that you will be able to understand what it CAN be like... and so you don’t lose hope. Because one thing with these eating disorders is that you can NEVER give up.

Take care and good luck with everything. I sincerely hope that things will begin to improve for you VERY soon.

Ashlee

( ( ( ( ( ( Blue Cloud / Sarah ) ) ) ) ) )

blue cloud · 12-06-2002, 06:49 AM

((((((((((((

ashlee+sarah

))))))))))))))

thank you so much for your replies things are still all over the place i am just not sure what to do.
i have a borderline personality (alegedly) depression and self harm plus this whole thing that is going on at the moment.

i have a nurse and a dr who i see. i told both my nurse and my dr what was going on and they just said that it wasnt their primary concern so i havnt said anything since i just feels so isolating and i guess i could explain that things are getting worse and that maybe i need a little extra help but i guess most of me has now been taking in by the ED feelings of empiness, controll, acheivement it has just grabbed me and i know i should let it go and get help but my head is telling me otherwise

i know i sound stupid and that i should just ask for help but i just feel asthough iam wasting their time and that they have more important things to be getting on with

sorry for going on i just guess i feel i need to do something.

thank you again

------------------
love and bubbles blue

youneeak · 12-06-2002, 02:03 PM

Hey hon,

You never ramble, and you never waste anybody time---not even your doctors...even though you may feel like that sometimes. I promise, they are there to help you, even if it doesn't always seem like that.

I'm so sorry that when you talked about your ED and your concerns about food that your doctor and nurse put it off like it wasn't a big deal. That's a horrible reaction to someon with an ED. You need help and you took those first steps and got shut down. That's awful...you deserve better than that, andI hope that you realize this!!!

And you do not sound stupid...getting help is a HUGE step, because letting go of your ED is such a large part of getting well...and it's also the hardest part. I'm struggling with it too, and so are many other people. It's almost like a part of you doesn't want to get better. There's part of you that identifies with your ED and it becomes a part of who you are. It's a horrible conflict...it really is, you're not alone...you are NOT STUPID!!!!! Good luck, hon!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~