Denial - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Sinnrah · 01-06-2003, 10:05 PM

Hello Everyone,

Well, I have been in denial for a while. I normally post on the weightloss boards thinking I dont have an eating disorder. But reality is I DO. I am obsessed w/ my weight.

I have lost 65lbs from low fat dieting and low carb dieting. Also with the help of diet pills. But now, I have gone the extreme.

I have been taking diet pills for 9 months. And I will binge and then take laxative because I am afraid of the weight gain from the good. This is SO NOT NORMAL.

I struggled w/ my weight for two years after I quit smoking. I do have access to a really good gym but refuse to do it.

I think all of this is a self-destructive behavior for me. See, my husband is in the Navy and while he is gone, I torture myself. I dont know why. But the only thing I feel I have control over is my weight.

But, I really need support w/ this. I dont want to take my diet pills anymore. But I am so paranoid I know I will wake up and immediately pop my two for the day. And seriously...THEY DONT HELP. I started out eating healthy, and exercising. But then just went off the deep end when my husband left for his first deployment. I did not eat for like two weeks. And that will come in cycles.

I feel funny finally admitting this. But, I feel like I need to get this off my chest. And maybe, just maybe, someone out there has gone through this and can give me some insight on what to do.

Sinnrah

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This is only my Opinion

9volt · 01-07-2003, 07:08 AM

Hey Sinnrah
I can completely sympathize with your posting... diet pills (or rather, the need for diet pills) are addictive. I started out by ordering Xenical and it has progressively got worse every day since then. I'm currently taking ephedra, phentermine, caffeine, xenical, etc, etc, you name it i'm taking it.
I seem to have this fear that if i stop taking them, i will suddenly gain loads of weight - but its rediculous because I havn't actually lost any weight. The diet pills just seem to give me an excuse to eat and binge more.
I'm gonna try cutting-down. Maybe try filling up an empty bottle of my normal pills with vitamins and take them every day telling myself that they are diet pills. You never know - it might work!
They say that admitting you have a problem is half-way to solving it, so congratulations on that.
There are some great people here who i am sure will be replying to your post soon with some sound advice.
I feel too hypocritically to say anything further, but i hope it helps to know that you are not alone.
9volt. x

[This message has been edited by 9volt (edited 01-07-2003).]

Sinnrah · 01-07-2003, 10:52 AM

Hi 9Volt,

Thanks for replying. I did think I was the only one. But maybe that is part of this disorder. Thinking you are totally alone in this. I havent taken them today. But I dont know if I will go all day or not.

The laxative I took last night has made me feel like I was his by a Mac Truck. I feel bad today. I feel tired.
I seem to feel the same way. I take my pills in order to eat more. But, I have not gained or lost anymore. So that is good. I have maintained where I am. But I really am worried about the effects of taking ephedrine for almost a year.

I know my liver is probably working overtime, even though, I drink a lot of water. But, I feel, already, this urgency to go and take the pills.

I started out w/ them and now I can not seem to do w/out them.

Sinnrah

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This is only my Opinion

youneeak · 01-07-2003, 07:02 PM

Welcome Sinnrah!!

First of all, welcome to the boards!!!!!

I want to say how proud I am of you, and how much respect I have for you that you found the strength and courage to post and to begin to admidt to yourself that your ideas, thoughts and actions about food are not normal...that you may need help! good for you, you should pat yourself on the back!!

As for the diet pills, I will not let myself start them, I've gone on numerous occassions and spent money on them only to come home and throw them away in a fit of anger. They are so addictive (I've seen so many people become addictive to them)...and it's just not a healthy way to lose weight.

Congrats on admidtting that you need help, coming out of denial is a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE step...good luck. Have you told anybody else? That's the next big step. Good luck, and continue to let us know how you're doing. You will find that this board is an amazing place to come for love and and advice and support and understanding!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Sinnrah · 01-07-2003, 07:38 PM

Hi Sarah,

No, I have not told anyone else other than my husband. I started my day w/out them and ended up getting paranoid and took two of them. Then I ate chicken, sausage,6 baby butterfingers, and a whole bag of popcorn.

Okay but I still took my laxative. I got so mad that I ate all of that I took two laxative and will probably take one more.

I just can not seem to get control of this. But now the junk food is out of my house, I feel I will be alright. But what a way to get rid of it by eating it all. I jumped on the scales and it still said 105 and it was 102 this morning.

But tomorrow is another day to try and recover. All I can keep doing is try.

Sinnrah