breaking down... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

singingsmiles · 01-02-2003, 10:33 PM

I feel like my life is breaking down. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. I'm hurting, my best friend is hurting, and I can't make things better for her. We're at a place in time where we keep fighting b/c we can't help each other and neither one of us understands each other! I love her so much and there is nothing that I can do! I'm trying to take baby steps to get to recovery for my ED, but that's very hard when my whole reason for even considering that is hurting me! Is putting me through pain! Is making me cry! I was at a point when i was purging around 10X a day! I would purge until i could taste it in my throat and my whole throat and mouth would burn and I'd be crying from all the pain! I was scared to tell my best friend-but I did. She's at the point now where she is wants to tell someone for me, she wants to get me the help. She can't though! I can't live without her! And if she told we'd have no friendship anymore, b/c i'd lose trust, no matter how much I'd try to keep it, it wouldn't happen! Yesterday we had the worst of our resent fights, I don't really even remember what happened, but I got angry. I told her to call me later if she wanted otherwise i don't know the next time we'd talk. I got offline, and went to my room and cried! How could I have told my best friend that? As soon as I had taken control of myself, I called her. We sat in silence for a while, then she asked me why I called her, so I hung up the phone and started crying again. She asked me why I did that and I said "b/c you sounded like I shouldn't have called you, so, I was going to save you." She said that wasn't what she meant and asked me to just talk to her about everything that was bothering me and I just sat there crying. She said that she knows i'm hurting because she hears me crying and sees me in pain but feels helpless because there is nthing that she can do. We talked for a little bit, but then she had to go. Today she came over to my house. We sat in my room listening to my cds and just talking and crying for a long time. My parents had ordered a pizza for dinner and she stayed. We ate and then sat on the floor watching tv. I got up and went to purge but i told her I was going to the bathroom. I was too scared to tell her what i did, but when she went home she went online and so did i. I told her right away what I had done and she was hurt by that. hurt by the fact that i didn't turn to her to stop me-I went ahead and did it anyway. But then she told me something, and it hurt me because i thought we had fixed this other problem. And she's offline now, and I have no one to talk to, no one to hold me back, just tears falling down my eyes. I feel like my body-both physically and emotionally-is just breaking down and I'm just sitting back and watching the show. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I feel like when I try to talk to people, all I end up doing is yelling at them when they tell me to get help! I feel like before I actually get myself some help I'll have no friends and by then I'll probably have even lost my best friend!

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--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Friend99 · 01-03-2003, 02:13 PM

Well, first i have to say that reading your post reminded me the situation i found myself in with my best friend. She was the one with anorexia who was going through almost exactly what you are going through and i was the one who was trying to help her. We began to fight all the time and became fustrated at the situation. From my own experience, I know that seeing you like this is greatly affecting her, probably in more ways than you know. Her anorexia was negatively affecting my life since it was always on my mind and it killed me to see her like that. It got to the point where every time we hung out we got into a fight since there was this underlying issue that had to be resolved and it also seemed that the same issues kept coming up. Since I didn't want to lose our friendship I put everything was on the line and I told her how her ed was affecting my life. She had no idea that her ed affected me that much and finally agreed to get help, with one condition- she wanted me to go with her. I didn't hesitate for one moment since getting to this point took six months.

From personal experience, I think your friend probably knows more than you realize and it is probably affecting her life more than you realize, so don't hesitate to talk to her and tell her everything you are feeling. I'm sure that even though you feel alone your best friend is still there but just doesn't know what else to do. I'm sure that she will walk you through the rest of this since she has stayed with you through some of the hardest parts thus far. So if you cannot find the strength to get help for yourself do it for your friend and your friendship. The biggest step is getting help and the rest of the way is small steps that don't have to be taken alone when you have your best friend by your side. So good luck and I hope you feel a little better about things.

singingsmiles · 01-03-2003, 03:52 PM

Friend99, thanks for your reply. I do know that it's affecting her, but it's kind of hard to distinguish the difference between what my ED is doing to her and what her own "tough times" are doing to her. My only reason for taking baby steps to recovery is for her, but sometimes it's just not enough, b/c then we get in another fight and I don't know...it's so hard to explain sometimes, but I just don't want to hurt her and I know that I am, but then since we got in the fight I know i already did, and I go and purge again, because that's just what i do. When I'm mad, sad, hurt, or even happy, it's like i HAVE to purge. I know it makes no sense, but it's become part of who I am. But those baby steps I take are for her, but I can't do anything that is any better than that because then my parents would have to know and I don't want them to--they just can't!

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--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Kathrin · 01-04-2003, 01:03 PM

Maybe you need to try to think of a reason to get better for YOU, and not just for somebody else. Yes it can be a strong motivator (it helped me enormously to get better because I didn't want to see my parents so hurt and scared), but sometimes an intrinsic motivation, just a feeling of wanting to BE SOMEBPDY ELSE (that is, not a bulimic, but do something MORE WORTHWHILE with your life) is really much stronger.

And don't you think that you could do something more worthwhile with all that energy that you spend on your eating disorder?

Because you do have a reason to get up in the morning, we all do, we wouldn't be here if it weren't for a reason - that's what I STRONGLY believe!!!

Please don't let the hard times with your friend get you so down, I know it is terrible to fight with somebody you love so much, but just think about it, a really strong friendship can GROW rather than be ruined by something like that. Even when it feels like really really "lost" at times... there will be better days again.

Oh, and you don't have "nobody" to talk to, you can still come to the board here, right?

Kathrin

singingsmiles · 01-04-2003, 02:22 PM

yeah, I'll always have you guys to turn to, but sometimes, it seems like it isn't enough...I don't know, it's hard to explain.

I have dreams for my future and at times I let my ED ruin chances that I take and othertimes I push away my ED long enough to get through that audition. I know that I probably could do more with the energy used on my ED, but sometimes, I can't imagine my life without this. Who would I be? I'd be no one! I'd be lost without this! And I know it sounds sick, but it's true! Trying to get better for myself has only made things worse in the past! When I try to do things for my best friend, it makes it a little better than normal. But, now, I just don't know what I want-which is even scarier. I have people that know-that want me better-that care about me-and whenever i talk to them about it, I end up getting angry at them because they want me better! That makes no sense! I just keep breaking down! And I'm so confused now-and I don't know what I want anymore...

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--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there