it's been a while - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

youneeak · 05-01-2003, 08:38 PM

Hi everyone

I haven't posted in months. I've been reading and lurking for a while, but mostly my schedule and my mood swings have prevented me from posting. But tonight I need to vent. I feel selfish, because I haven't been around to respond to others much lately, but I've had a really rough couple of days.

I've been in recovery for about 3 months now, and doing fairly well. My purging was down from 5 or 6 Xs daily, to only about once a week. However, my semester has ended, and it is officially summer "break" and I'm freaking out. I'm scared to death because it was last summer that I fell so far into my eating disorder that I wasn't sure I'd ever get out. And I've been trying so hard for months on end to rebuild my life, only, this week I messed up. I've been purging 3 or 4Xs everyday this week. I'm weak and I'm tired and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend always wants me to tell him when I purge, it's an agreement we have. I don't want to lie to him, but he's really busy and I don't want him to get fed up with me. I don't want him to think this is going to keep happening, because I still want to be in recovery. But I feel like I've had so many "second chances" that maybe I'm just not good enough for another chance. I don't want to keep ruining his life.

Nobody else knows about my eating disorder. Not my family, not my other friends. The other friends who did know about it (in the past) have all since left me and stopped talking to me.

I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I purged twice today, and after my second purge (at 2:30 this afternoon) I promised myself that I was done. I don't want to ruin the life I'm working so hard at creating.

Sorry this was so long, I just needed to vent. I'm so incredibly scared, that, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel more alone than I have in months...where do I go from here?

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Ashlee · 05-02-2003, 02:04 AM

Hi, Sarah!

I’m glad you’re back! Well, not in that way of course – I’m not glad you’re still struggling but I AM glad to hear from you again!

I miss talking to all my old friends from here...

I can tell you one thing; the more you stress over these holidays now the harder it will turn out to be for you. Please, TRY not to worry so much! I know this time last year you were completely miserable and struggling with your bulimia but this ISN’T last year! Every day is different and every day can only be as good as you’re willing to let it. You’ve come a HECK of a way in this past year and I know for a fact that you don’t want to lose all the hard work you’ve done – and you don’t have to.

This is another YEAR now, Sarah. Make the most of your holidays and just concentrate on having fun, catching up with family/friends, and maybe some studying you have to do over the break (but I wouldn’t bother

) and you WILL be okay!

And of course, little slip-ups are allowed.

It happens; it’s not the end of the world! Just come on here and tell us about it if you like... maybe that would be a help? Maybe someone here can say something that might help you get past that moment in your life.

I have complete faith in you, Sarah. Don’t give up on yourself, okay? You can beat this all together one day – you’re well on the way already. Keep up with the great recovery!!!

Lots of love,
Ashlee

lilrayofhope · 05-02-2003, 12:59 PM

Hey Sarah!!!

I'm so sorry to hear you've had a rough week, I know first hand recovery isn't easy, but like Ashlee said, little slips and slides are expected. Just because you have one hard day, week, or month doesn't mean recovery is lost. You've come SO far you can do it, I know you can. Don't for any means feel selfish for posting, that's what we're hear for, to support one another. You have to take care of yourself, if you don't feel up to post for other people, don't! We all can understand!! I'm SOOO proud of you Sarah, only purging once a week?! THAT IS AMAZING! GO YOU!!!

Try not to beat yourself up over a couple bad days, look how far you've come! You DO deserve a second chance. You deserve as many chances as you need because you're willing to fight your eating disorder. If you get discouraged maybe try journalling or talking to someone. Do you think you can talk to your boyfriend? I know it maybe hard because you don't want to be a burden, but I doubt you will be. He said he wanted you to tell him, so DO! He's there for you Sarah, and you deserve to talk to him when you're having a rough time.

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Scales are for fish.