needing to post - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

youneeak · 05-05-2003, 09:35 AM

Hi everyone,

I feel guilty about the number of posts I've started lately. I don't expect replies, I just need to post, to attempt to make some kind of connection to the world that understands what I'm going through.

The past week has been hell. I can't stop purging. I've tried, I tell myself I dont' want to, and yet, I always end up with my fingers down my throat. I'm getting very sick. I can not longer disregard the physical weaknesses I am causing my body. They are more and more painful, and I need to stop. I'm so scared. I believe that I can do this. I know I can. I just wish I remembered how. It's only been a week of bad times...but I feel like I"m starting over. I know in my heart that I'm not...that I've come a long long way, but, it's still right there...my eating disorder demons are ALWAYS RIGHT THERE! I hate that.

Sorry this was so long, I just needed to get this out.
Hope everyone is doing well and feeling GREEEEEEEEEEAT!

You guys are awesome!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

polbilly · 05-05-2003, 12:42 PM

sarah

your always there when we need a picking up, and we'll always be there for you. PROMISE. Be proud of how far you have come and dont be so hard on yourself for having a bad week. all of us know that even when we are on the road to recovery, there will be relapses. and thats okay, because you are on that road.

keep your chin up

melissa

Faith80 · 05-05-2003, 02:48 PM

As Polbilly said, you are always here for others and we will do what we can for you. Have you thought about going IP or even an outpatient day hosptial program? It sounds like things are very intense for you at this time and you need more support than you are getting. I wish I knew what else to say hon.
Take care and keep posting,
Faith

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As long as there is life, there is hope

lilrayofhope · 05-05-2003, 08:37 PM

((((((((((((((Sarah)))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're having to fight so hard. I know how discouraged you can get and how hopeless it may seem, but you CAN do it, Sarah. You HAVE done it. When we fall down sometimes we need someone else to pick us back up, and that's OKAY. Do you think you can ask your boyfriend for support? Or what about a doctor/counsellor? Like Faith suggested, if what you have isn't working you might want to consider inpatient or day treatment. I can testify how wonderful it is. I wasn't ready to go, I'll admit, but I learned so much from it and I know that if I wouldn't have gone I would still be knocking of death's door, and Sarah, that's no life! I can't wave a magic wand to make your eating disorder go away (although I wish I could) but you can still fight. Maybe not purging for a whole day is too much to ask, so lets not set yourself up for failer. Lets say you purge 10 times a day, maybe try to only purge 8 times. You'll be suprised that you're still alive after just purging 8 times. The world didn't fall down on you! Small victories are still victories Sarah! Keep posting when you're having a rough time, and please...you're shouldn't feel guilty. You've given so much advice to so many of us, you deserve to post. YOU DESERVE IT SARAH!!!! YOU ROCK, DON'T EVER FORGET IT!!!

-Carlie

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Scales are for fish.

youneeak · 05-05-2003, 10:39 PM

Hi guys!

Thank you so much. You guys are such amazing people! Seriously! You were there when I needed someone the most. i can't thank you enough.

In response to your suggestions...I did tell my boyfriend, and I'm officially in the process of searching for another therapist (mine was part of the health center at my school, and that part of my school is now closed for the summer), and he also wants me to tell him. We talked about how I didn't want to, because I was just adding more stress to his already stressful life (he works 2 jobs, does TONS of extra stuff, and is in school full time) so he has a lot of stuff going on, is incredibly busy and incredibly stressed. I didn't want to add to this. He assured me that he was "never too busy" and that helped to hear. Between that and your posts, I realize, again, that I AM NOT alone in this. That makes me feel stronger.

In regards to going to a hospital for treatment, that is not an option. Only 2 of my friends and my boyfriend know about my eating disorder. My family does not know. It would rip them apart and I just can not do that. My youngest brother is autistic (he's 8 and getting to be a handful) so my homelife is already very stressful, at this point I just can't drop this on my parents. It's not an option. It's just something I have to do on my own. Going in or out-patient would require the use of their insurance (mine doesn't fully cover that stuff).

Anyway, Now that I've rambled again...HEHE...

I'm gonna head to bed. It's finals week...and I have a final in about 6 hours. Just wanted to tell you guys how wonderful you are!

You support makes me feel stronger. Thank you.

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

ps. That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. (I must say, we are all gonna be pretty gosh-dern strong after fighting eating disorders!! But think about how good we'll feel after we've done it!)