kelyn

hi... this is my first time to these boards. i have been trying to recover from bulimia for the past few months and i have actually been doing pretty good. but now i feel like i am in a rut. i can't forget about losing weight... i have been restricting again although i have not been purging or binging. i can't stop thinking about how i want to lose 10 pounds and i know i need to accept myself for who i am but i just feel like that would be settling for less, if that makes any sense. i haven't purged in 66 days, but lately i have been so tempted. last night before i went to bed i ate a few bites of cake and usually eating a little bit of junk food doesn't get to me so bad, but i was so upset with myself and really felt like i had done something horrible. i felt like i was such a bad person for eating that cake and i didn't deserve to eat it and i didn't need it. then i dreamed about it all night, and about people telling me i'm so fat. i have been seeing a dietician, but she thinks i'm doing fine now. i can't tell her that i'm still restricting. my metabolism must be really screwed up because i'm not eating much but my weight is still staying stable, and she thinks that means that i'm eating enough. i'm so scared because if i really start trying to eat enough i think i'm going to blow up so big and that would make me feel so horrible! i can't eat without feeling guilty, i can't stop thinking about calories and weight, and i don't know what to do. can anybody offer me some advice? i don't want to go farther down this nasty path of eating disorders because i know it is full of empty promises, but i don't know how to turn around. i'm so confused and i feel like nobody really understands. everyone thinks i'm doing so well because i'm not purging anymore, and i am so happy about that, but now i feel like i can't even eat anything without feeling guilty because i know it's going to have to stay in me, and i can't get rid of it. any advice?
kelyn

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~kelyn~