AHHHH - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

lilrayofhope · 05-09-2003, 05:55 PM

I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel so guilty right now for eating 2 slices of pizza and 2 (yes 2!) cupcakes!!! I tryed purging but I only got a little up. I know this is my eating disorder, but I've never binged in my life and now I have and OMG it's the worse thing ever. I can't believe I did it! I have so much control around food, but tonight, control flew out the door. I don't know what to do. I didn't eat much of anything today but I sure made up for it tonight. I'm probably going to gain 5 pounds tonight. I need to exercise or something! AHHHH!!!! Maybe the reason why I binged was because I've been restricting for the past week

I lost 4 pounds in 2 days! I'm in big trouble. OH!!! I'm starting to throw up even without even wanting to! It's like the food just comes up! I HATE MY EATING DISORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Carlie

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Scales are for fish.

DanielleUF · 05-10-2003, 08:07 AM

Carlie,

try not to get so frustrated with yourself. you ate and that is good. giving up a smidge of control is good. you ate because your body was telling you that you need food and that is a wonderful thing. i have been battleing anorexia since i was 12 and i am not almost 26. i damaged my body in such terrible ways that i cant begin to descirbe. my stomach is completely torn up. i have to have surgery because i damaged my LES so badly that i couldnt keep food down at all. water and rice would make me vomit. years of restricting depleated my vitamin intake and the onset of a genetic blood disorder came on about 30 years early. i am dependant on injections to give me strength. i vomit uncontrollably. it is tough to make it through a work day, and going out to eat for business lunches brings on embarrassing anxiety attacks. i have to take 14 pills a day just to *attempt* to feel normal, even though i dont. you are so young and beautiful and full of life, dont let this happen to you too. it is no way to live. just try to take things one day at a time. when you eat, try not to punish yourself. the body is like a car, without gas you wont go anywhere, food is your fuel. you have a host of people around you who love you and want to have you with them, they support you. believe that you can overcome this.

there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and at the end is a healthy, happy, beautiful young woman. dont punish yourself, what you did was good. you will get through this, one small bite at a time.

danielle

youneeak · 05-10-2003, 02:31 PM

oh Carlie! sweetheart, I'm so sorry that you're struggling. YOu ahve come sucha long way, don't give up on yourself! You're such a strong, wonderful, beautiful woman.

I know you feel like binging is the worst thing ever, but sometimes it's ok to eat that much food. And you didn't eat WAY WAY too much, heck, some of my friends would consider that a snack.

But seriously, I know how scary eating can be, but you did good. You ate, and that's not a bad thing at all, sweetheart. It's a good thing. You're letting yourself live.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been restricting again, and that you're vomiting after meals. Your poor little body has been through so much trauma in its lifetime. But you keep fighting. You're a fighter, Carlie, don't forget that! I believe in you, so much. I think about you and pray for you everyday. I know I don't know you, but through your posts, I feel like I almost do. You are an amazing person who has helped so many, and i know you can continue to help yourself! "GO CARLIE GO CARLIE" Don't give up girly, You CAN DO THIS

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

lilrayofhope · 05-10-2003, 06:28 PM

Thanks you guys!

I had a better day today. I went workout at the YMCA. It was AWESOME! I feel so wonderful about myself right now. It's like I'm on top of the world and I actually FEEL hungry. Before I didn't know what hunger was. I guess because I had denied it for so long I just didn't know how to comprehend being hungry and comfortably full, but now I feel hungry and I'm going to listen and eat! I know this isn't permission to start exercising obsessively again, but I think in moderation it might help me. I worked out for an hour and I think if I did that 3 times a week it would really benifit me. I also joined a tanning salon and that's so relaxing. It's great to finally give back to my body after a year and half of depriving it. It's great to be in recovery! Even if you just have one good day every month, it's well worth it!

-Carlie

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Scales are for fish.

youneeak · 05-10-2003, 08:24 PM

Hey Carlie!

your post totally made my day!

I'm so glad you had a good day today.

I agree with what you said about exercising being a way to help with recovery. As long as it is not in excess, or becoming an obsession, I have read numerous studies that say regular amounts of exercise help recovering bulimics as much as regular therapy session. (and a combo of the two is an even better thing!) So I definitly think working out a few times a week is good for you. I try to, and hope to get more often now that my finals are over!

Recovery is worth it, for that one good day a month, and for a healthy body in the longrun. Granted, I have done permanent damage to my body (in numerous ways) but it coudl always be worse...and we're still living. WE're still around and kickin...so that's a good thing, Recovery keeps us alive, and for that it's worth it!

Congrats carlie!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~