what do i do when i just cant stop myself? - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

sutherland · 04-24-2003, 01:19 PM

i'd finished using my computer for day but i had to come bak on after what just happened. i thought i was doing well, only purging after junk food etc, but tonight i had a meal with my parents, nothing unhealthy, just an italian, and i couldn't keep it in. i spent 30 mins washng up, doing chores, anything to stop myself going to bathroom but in the end i felt so ill i gave in. i feel a sense of relief when i'm sick but i still feel as bloated as i did before, almost as if its all still inside me. i thought that i had this under control but its creeping up on me. i really dont know what to do. i'm very close with family but after recent events i cant burden them with this. any suggestions greatly recieved!?
lol Beth xxx

amberlynoel · 05-18-2003, 08:39 PM

beth,

Sorry it's taken so long for me to post but its been awhile since I've been on. I totally know where your coming from about fighting the urge, its like you tell yourself no but eventually your feelings over take every rational thought which is bad. Sometimes instead of purging I'll exercise or go tanning which kinda replaces the bad yucky feeling of to full, it takes my mind off it until my food digest alittle better and I don't feel so full. It's a hard battle that we're all fighting and I know eventually it will get better every min that your able to fight it that's 60 sec closer to recovery. I hope you feel better and are feeling better Stay Postive!! >> Learn to love yourself not your potential.

Amarga · 05-20-2003, 10:41 PM

for me the hardest thing is the cycle of purging, once my body gets accustomed to all that food only going part way down, it always wants to be full there, in my stomach, but further down, where all the nourishment happens, i'm always wanting to feel empty there...hm, a stupid metaphor. I guess what i'm saying is I agree, it's hard to break the cycle. everyone's different, has different breaking points, different triggers, different habits and different justifications for them.

one day I told myself, that's it, I'm not going to throw up today, but it meant working through the emotions, forcing myself not to eat more than I knew I would let stay down. I have not stopped purging yet. I generally find friends help. Post boards are nice and reassuring, but most eating disorders manifest in secret, behind bathroom doors and so on. I've found one of the most theraputic things has been to spend time with people I know care about me and will show me they respect me as an equal. that's been kind of hard to come by these days. . .

angelralstoun · 05-29-2003, 08:20 PM

Hi there,

Sounds like you are having a pretty tough time. A lot of people don't understand what a struggle anorexia or bulimia is. People always seem to pour out advice and it always seems to be the same. We already know how hard it is but how do we get better. I have lived with bot Anorexia and Bulimia for 12 years and just now am I understanding that I am much stronger than I had ever though. Your crying out for help whether you believe it or not. And that is the fist and sometimes the hardest thing to do. I coulden't tell you how many time I said ok this is it, goodbye nasty disease I am taking control. And just about that many times I would fall right back where I was. We are like compulsive robots, once we begin the cycle of purging or starving we take full charge at it and soon it becomes so repetative that we don't know how to stop or even begin. Some of us eventually run out of fuel and the disease has won, and our families are left with one less loved one. It is so hard to think of it like that, like it will never happen to us. It took having a baby to make me realize what living really meant. Should I let this control my life and leave a child without a mother?
Deep down inside you there is a little voice saying, you are worth more that what you are doing to yourself, no matter what has happened or will happen in the future you are someone worth being proud of. I know for myself that the eating disorder really had nothing to do with my eating, It was something to focus on becuase I though it was the only thing I could control. My obbsession with food or losing weight was overlooking the fact that I had some serious self worth issues. But once you realize that you are special becuase you are unique and not perfect then you have won the biggest battle of all. Nothing in your life will be a bigger test then the test of faith in yourself, and nothing will be more rewarding.

PS: Good luck, and Bless your heart
Angela

sutherland · 06-01-2003, 12:31 PM

Thankyou all for replying and for your kind words.

Angela your letter really rang true for me. i have recently told my boyfriend, well i blurted it out when i was drunk! that was only way i could find the courage. he has been amazingly supportive. i thought he would want nothing to do with me anymore but he has been trying to take an active interest in getting me into recovery. it's almost more scary having someone else know as it's this fear that you're now being watched and it's no longer a secret thing just for you.
i've just graduated and after a year of this **** i'm really trying to look forward and start thinking about my future, without this cycle in my life. you are right we are all worth more, it's just a question of learning how to stop.
plese stay in touch and let us know how your recovery is going too.
love beth xx