Complicating everday life... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Gday · 09-18-2003, 10:45 AM

Wow, everything is so completely messed up...Lately, my issue with weight has gotten, well I guess, out of control. It's really the only thing I concern myself with. And now I'm finding it hard to even go out of my house. I used to be social...now I hate having people see me when I'm feeling and looking fat. I can't even go to school. I look in the mirror and spaz out. I feel too fat and ugly for anyone to see me. That sounds so stupid, and so unnecessary, and the whole time, somewhere in my head I realize that it IS, but that doesn't seem to change anything. That one realization alone can't compete with my obsession to be thin... It sounds cliche to say "no one understands", but honestly, that's how I feel, with the people in my life anywayz. I always hear that everyone has SOME issue with their bodies, but the way I'm feeling goes BEYOND that. It's completely controling me. It sounds silly...but it's like...real. And supposed "compliments" only make things worse. After I lost about 15- 20 pounds, more guys started to take interest in me. I became like, "the latest obsession" or something...and I liked the attention, and I KNOW this sounds oh so shallow, but everyone ELSES views ("them liking me more thin"), only made me want to get thinner. So I am constantly starving myself and purging for the attention I get from guys, and the envy of other girls, and THAT makes me feel good. How pathetic is that? I'm so shallow and low. It's disgusting, I know. But as for the compliment thing, I always feel as though it's just a joke, or someone being sarcastic and making fun of me. Like, "Those pants look good on you". I feel that a comment such as that is just someone's way of telling me that I look fat in them, and should never wear them again...I just really wish I could look in the mirror and be satisfied, and the craziest thing of all is that about 30 pounds ago, I WAS satisfied. It's safe to say that I've ALWAYS had an issue with my body. I always thought I was fat. I remember crying and not going to school in 2nd grade b/c I thought I was fat. 2nd grade! And when I look back at pictures of myself, I can only think I must have been crazy. I was never fat then. And the issue with my weight followed me through every year of my life since then, and just in the last one, I decided to "take control" (and I really can not even say that, obviously...), and loose weight. And the eaiest thing (which turned out to be completely difficult in every way) seemed to be to starve myself. But then once I realized that I was hungry, I gave that up, and just threw every thing up that I ate. And I lost a lot of weight with that...and I WAS satisfied. I felt confident. I liked the way I looked. I felt that I was at "the perfect weight" for myself. But I never stopped purging, b/c I was too afraid of gaining it all back, and then all of a sudden I hated my body, and felt fatter than ever, even though in reality, that isn't the case. And now all I can think about is losing more and more. Any fat is too much fat. And food is completely revolting, and when I eat, I feel so disgusted with myself. And my image controls everything. I have swim class right now in gym, but I'm AFRAID of putting on a bathing suit, and walking across the pool in front of everyone. I am seriously AFRAID. It scares the hell out of me. During that moment, it becomes the hardest thing in the world for me...taking off my towl, and getting in the pool in front of everyone. And that sounds STUPID, I know it does...and that is really how I feel about doing anything. If I can hold back my tears, and try to ignore the fact that I'm fat just long enough to get out the door, where I can't turn back and hide in my house, it's the biggest accomplishment of my day. And too anyone else who doesn't understand these feelings, it would sound completely ridiculous. How can I ever tell anyone if they too aren't experiencing it? They'll tell me I'm being stupid and to just get over it. It certainly isn't that easy. But I am insanely obsessed with my weight, and I just want to be content with my body, and be able to actually GO OUT, especially with necessary things, such as SCHOOL.Will I ever just "get over it", and be able to go out without it being so hard? I have taken up an entire post with me *****ing about this, and I know how annoying it can be to just hear people go on and on, but I'm just so frustrated, and have no one to talk to about this with...

goldilocks26 · 09-18-2003, 09:46 PM

Hi Gday

First of all...you are WAY too hard on yourself. You need to realize right off the bat not to dismiss your feelings as 'stupid'. You are obviously struggling with some very serious problems with your self-confidence. Your feelings are very real...you're distress is very real...how can that possibly be silly, stupid or cliche?
I totally hear what you're saying about not being able to leave the house and obsessing about your appearance. I remember missing sooo many days of school because i just felt so ugly and fat that i wouldn't be able to make it through the day if anyone even as much as looked at me. I would sit in a dark room in a horrible depression all day and lie to people when they asked me why i wasn't in school. You have to believe me though...that just makes things worse. The depression gets worse, the obsession gets worse and you end up isolating yourself from all the people that care about you. You just need to remind yourself that noone is a harsher judge of you than YOU! More importantly...you need to realize that life is WAY to short to waste it obsessing about your weight. Trust me...I've been dealing with my eating disorder since i was 15...that was 11 years ago! I regret wasting so much time and so many experiences all because i let my weight/appearance issues get in the way. YOU NEED TO LIVE LIFE! Besides...if you are worried about your appearance...what your doing to your body will make you look alot worse later on. Your skin, hair, health, TEETH...just about everything will begin to deteriorate.
I think i hear you saying that even after you lost weight you still weren't happy with your appearnce...I don't think anyone ever is...no matter how much weigh tyou lose. You should seriously look into finding a support system...wheter its family or friends, a therapis or a support group(there are alot out there)...you need to find a sympathetic ear and a strategy to get yourself out of this pattern. The longer it goes on, tha harder it tis to get out of it.
take care of yourself.

Goldilocks

Kathrin74 · 09-18-2003, 09:47 PM

Isn't it frustrating to even IMAINE somebody saying "just get over it". I am sure people here all understand it's not that easy. Something has to happen INSIDE you before you to make that change happen. But it CAN happen.
Have you ever talked to a counselor about this, at your school maybe? What you have been doing to your body (especially throwing up after eating) is not healthy. And you are obviously suffering a great deal emotionally.
I don't know if this helps but I do want to tell you that other people are not going to be preoccupied with your body at the swimming-pool or wherever. They are more likely more concerned with what THEY look like...

This whole thing has to do with body image versus self-image (ever watch the DR.Phil show?)... and with self-confidence. Like: What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want to represent? And does it have to be connected to your body weight? Can you try to see yourself as somebody... somebody you like to be... withou focusing on weight and body shape?

Kathrin