my eating disorder - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Loren_02 · 09-24-2003, 07:30 AM

Hi, I'm a newbie here as you can see. I wanted to introduce myself, so here goes. I'm a 19 year old college student. I've had an eating disorder sense I was 13, as far as I can tell. It started off with simple dieting. I did it because I was really hard core into ballet, and puberty was just starting to hit me. I was actually kind of underweight, but not by much in ballet standards. I was never pressured to lose weight by anyone, not my family or teachers. I was very secretive and ashamed of it. I was such a skinny child, gaining a little weight scared the bejesus out of me. Being thin was part of my identity. I was the "skinny kid."
Anyway, I developed a binge eating disorder. I couldn't really make myself vomit, but I over exercised and heavily restricted when I wasn't bingeing. I wound up just maintaining a so called healthy weight, rather than losing weight. I still want to be a little thinner, but I feel like I have no control of my eating habits. Once I realized that what I was doing wasn't normal, I made it totally my own thing. I hate myself for bingeing and "purging," but I also feel like it's the only special thing about me. And I really can't stop it. I've tried so many times! I've been in therapy for it, tried a clinic. I really try to just eat like a normal person, but I always binge. No amount of water, vegetables, fiber, light exercise, ect, stops it. I've been living like this for so long, I don't even remember what eating normally feels like. The longest I've managed to eat 3 meals a day with snacks is 4 days. The compulsion to binge is just overwhelming. And then I have to fast, diet very strictly and exercise for several hours at a time, just to maintain a normal weight. I see such irony in that, that I work so hard for nothing.
So, that's the long story of my eating disorder. I guess I'm some form of bulimic or maybe "ed-nos." Honestly, the past few days I've eaten one 1500 calories binge each day, with one big out of control binge. Now I'm going on a fast again. I'm so tired of all of this, but I don't know what else I can do. I want to lose weight so badly I can't even express it in words.
Thanks for listening

amwood · 09-24-2003, 09:18 PM

Thanks for sharing and welcome!! I think you'll find that a lot of us here experience or have experienced the same feelings and emotions surrounding food, weight, exercise, etc. At least we know we're not alone in the world....

Tprincess · 10-01-2003, 11:22 AM

what your doing to your self is not helping you lose weight at all..maybe even making you gain..eating alot of food then fasting, or pretty much starving yourself is the worst thing you can do...it slows ur metabolism WAY down and when the one day u do eat, and u eat alot, youyr body stores all that as fat just incase u stop eating, and it makes it alot harder to burn off. i had to research and ask alot of people about this situation and its all the same..it does no good, it makes you worse, not eating slows ur pulse down, lowers blood pressure and can do alot worse! dont do that to yourself because it will make you feel alot worse...maintain a good diet and you will be fine, eat a variety of stuff through out the day and excercise as much as ya want!! beleive me , u will be alot healthier.