I can't Stop! HELP! - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

dancindiva · 09-21-2003, 02:50 PM

Ok, here goes. I started to cut down on eating about 6 months ago so that I could lose a bit of weight even though I was at what was suposed to be my target weight. But anyway, I thought that if I lost five pounds everything would be better, but it wasn't. I just kept wanting to lose more and more weight. And I did, by eating very tiny amounts of food. I hate eating, and I find no joy in the taste anymore. Well my parents realized what's been going on with me, took me to the doctors, where I was told that all the side-effects I've been having(no period, lenugo growing, jaundice eyes, enlarged liver etc...) are all because of it and that the only way to fix it is to eat more. Now my parents have for the past while been trying to get me back to normal, but I wish they'd leave me alone and let me eat the way I want to.
The thing is, they're trying so hard, but I'm not helping them... I can't, because I can't let myself! They think that I'm eating a whole lot more than I really am. I constantly lie to them, even thoughj I hate to, about whether or not I've eaten. Or I hide and throw out the food that they give me when they'r enot looking or they're not there. Right now they think that I'm eating lunch everyday at school, but I just keep throwing it out. I tell myself not to, but I can't stop!
I'm just so scared that if I eat it, I'm going to gain weight, and I won't be able to stop eating and gaining. It breaks my heart to lie to my parents the way I am, but I'm scared of what they'll say if they find out the truth. I just don't know what to do! Any advice??? Please??

[This message has been edited by dancindiva (edited 09-21-2003).]

rairai222002 · 09-21-2003, 03:33 PM

I did the same thing in junior high. Throwing out my lunches so I wouldn't gain weight. Big waste of money first off. Second, you are hurting yourself. Not like I'm one to talk since I'm kinda starving myself too right now by really watching my calories.

Anyways, I know how you feel. My guidance counselor must've seen me throwing out my lunches and contacted my mother and we had a "conference." My mom thought I was starving myself cuz I was depressed cuz my dad died 6mo previous. That was kinda the problem. I ate to feel better about that whole deal, gained weight, and now was starving myself to lose it.

I was so embarrassed that I just stopped doing it. Eventually, by the time I was 20, I was doing it again (starving myself) because I was depressed and ending up looking like a skeleton. I got help. I started seeing a shrink and a counselor and started anti-depressants.

Although you may feel stupid or scared doing it, please try to contact someone to help you. Go out on a limb and be an adult and contact someone, ANYONE, that can help you. A parent, a counselor, a psychiatrist. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

raindrop · 09-21-2003, 07:57 PM

huh, ur story is basically mine . . . im not sure how to overcome it, 2 b completely honest.

like rairai222002 said, if ur not seeing someone now, u should be. a psychiatrist, counselor, etc. can really help u even if its only by discussing things that u cant discuss w/anyone else.
also, r u going for weigh-ins?

dancindiva · 09-22-2003, 11:36 AM

Thanks you guys so much for replying. Right now my mom is trying to get me into an Eating Disorders group at the hospital but there's apparently a waiting list. I've been to see a specialist there though, so hopefully with my mom's constant bugging them and calling and with the doctors influence, I hope to get in fast. We're also looking into a counsellor.

No I don't go to my doctor for weigh-ins... my family doctor doesn't care that much since he has WAY too many patients and doesn't seem to know how to deal with me. But my parents weight me everyday to see how I'm doing. My weight was constant for a bit but today when my mom weighed me I was four pounds less. She doesn't understand why... of course I know that it's because I've been lying about what I've eaten. I've confessed to her that I'd thrown out and hidden food before, but I promised I'd never do it again. Now that I am doing it again, I can't stand to break both her and my dad's trust that way again too.
I'm just so confused!!

Deep_in_Thought · 10-01-2003, 07:22 PM

Dancindiva,
I think that it's great that you've told your parents, and they are really trying to support and help you to recover

. It sounds to me like they really care, and they are really pulling for you. If you're slipping back into the same habits, you need to be honest with them. They've been there for you in the past. I'm sure that they'll be there for you now

. Don't worry about disappointing them, or hurting them...your health is the most important thing. And I suspect they feel that way, too

.

Colleen