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Old 12-03-2006, 11:22 AM   #1
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k_2005 HB User
I just want to cry. Please offer some support

Hey everyone.

This is probably the most frustrated and depressed I have felt in my recovery so far, and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

I feel like I have fallen into this nasty trap of starvation, and I do not know how to get out or if I even want to.

Yesterday, I had (not saying numbers) a very low number of calories, refusing to listen to my stomach growling the entire day. This restricting has been going on for awhile, and I just keep trying to cut back more and more.

I know that I am skinny, but I am so afraid of gaining weight. Then again, I do not want to be sick, so I tried eating this morning. After only a small amount of food, I felt uncomfortable, as if I ate too much. It is so frustrating because, even when I want to eat now, I feel like I cannot.

I feel like even if I were to eat now, my metabolism is so messed up that I will gain weight too fast and be completely unhappy with myself.

I have so many mixed feelings: I know I need to gain weight, but I want to lose more...I know I should eat, but I do not want anymore calories...I know I am too skinny, but I want to look good...I know I should strive for recovery, but I do not want to end my relationship with Ed.

I wish all these thoughts would just go away so I can live life without feeling controlled by food and numbers.

I am so incredibly frustrated; I just want to cry.

Any advice on how to get passed these Ed thoughts so I can start eating again and be healthy???

 
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Old 12-03-2006, 11:42 AM   #2
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bamalina HB User
Re: I just want to cry. Please offer some support

Hi there,

Well done - firstly for not suffering in silence and letting your feelings out, I know how you are feeling, I am on the way out of my ED, but then I do have my bad days.
What is workin for me might not work for you but heres how I am tryin to get through mine, I used to be a 'normal' (if theres such a thing) size/weight. That was some 5 years ago.

But my brain still thinks I look the same, and I can see fat/flab where other people cant. I got out my photo albulm about a year ago and looked back on the pictures and I was so pretty (dont mean that as in I am so goregoues kinda way, I mean i was healthy lookin, womanly, not fat at all) but the hard part for me is gettin my brain to see that I am alot thinner, I dont see it, but every set of scales I stand on cannot be wrong can they? Well at the moment I am terrified of gettin fat and havin cellulite, but I do know I am not healthy at all, but I have to do this, there has to be more to life than countin calories and bein upset with what I see in the mirror.
I hope you find some help, life is to precious and to short for us all to be so unhappy, why should our ED's win, we cant all be that weak,
Oh and I am doin tonin exercises at the minute so if I do get to put on any weight it wont look like flab, it will be toned.
Keep in touch and keep talkin hunni, I dont know if I have managed to help, but stay strong.

Last edited by mod-anon; 12-03-2006 at 11:20 PM. Reason: edited triggering words

 
Old 12-03-2006, 11:42 AM   #3
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Re: I just want to cry. Please offer some support

I indeed have felt a similar way! It's hard for me to give advice to you, because we are all so different. Our eating disorders are not just vanity taken to the extreme. They are manifestations of various problems in our life. I don't know what your "problem" is. I don't know why you have an eating disorder. But usually finding the culprit helps you fix that problem and usually that helps with the recovery process.

Is weight gain inevitable? Absolutely... absolutely it is because your body will not allow you to stay underweight. Your organs cannot do what they are designed to do because they have to focus on survival alone. Here's the thing. Anorexics? They will never, never become overweight. (This is assuming there is not binge eating/ compulsive overeating/ bulimia involved.) It just won't happen! Weight gain will will absolutely happen in recovery if you are at an unhealthy low weight. Can you honestly believe that you would recover and let your eating disorder fly so free that you would become overweight? That's really just laughable. It won't happen.

I cannot offer you your solution because again, I don't know your culprit. I can, however, tell you what has helped me tremendously in my own recovery. Health foods. I recently cut out sugar completely. This may sound like "eating disorder behavior" but it has helped me the most. The reason? Did I ever beat myself up after having a salad? Did I ever beat myself up over eating fruit or some other type of nutritous, whole food? No... but I would want to fast for weeks after consuming a cookie or a candy bar. The sugar was fueling my eating disorder (no pun intended...) and now that I've cut it out I feel like I am so much freer. I also have found the secret to regulating my digestive system. Before when I would eat food would literally sit in my intestines for days; not anymore. I have become a health food guru and my eating disorders thoughts have been cut in half as a result. Am I completely clean of those thoughts? No... but my intitial goal is decreasing the number and intensity of them.

I am sorry you are feeling so down. Eating disorders aren't life; they are isolation and death and unhappiness. I hope you can get to the roots of the disease and tear free from it... I'm here for you!

 
Old 12-03-2006, 01:24 PM   #4
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k_2005 HB User
Re: I just want to cry. Please offer some support

Hey guys:

JJwdean, I definitely agree that I need to target these darn underlying issues in order to feel better about recovery. It seems like I have so many!

So, in order to gain insight into the cause of my eating disorder (which will, in turn, make it easier for me to address) let me list some culprits:

1. I am a total perfectionist and always have been. A 98% on a math test was never good enough, knowing it could have been 100%.

2. I have a need to feel in control of things, including the number on the scale.

3. I often feel like the number on the scale dictates my self-worth, and I am only happy if I have lost weight.

4. As a child, I was always taught not to show emotion, and I turned to self-destructive behavior as a coping mechanism.

5. Weight is a big issue in my family. My older brother was overweight, and my parents constantly ridiculed him for being an embarrassment. Then, they always pressured me to be better than him.

6. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of being sick or hurt and having nobody care about me. Therefore, I grew up thinking that my basic needs do not matter--such as food.

7. I was often punished as a child by not being allowed to eat. As I grew up, I learned to punish myself in the same way.

8. I also have related psychological problems like anxiety, OCD, personality disorder...

Wow, sorry about the downer! I guess I really am depressed. Strangely, that did help to look at the issues involved.

THANKS!

Last edited by mod-anon; 12-03-2006 at 11:22 PM.

 
Old 12-03-2006, 08:10 PM   #5
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Re: I just want to cry. Please offer some support

That's good that you can pinpoint some of the issues that have lead to your eating disorder..

Personally, I think it's really important to change your thinking and your thought process before you change your behavior.

What do you think might be effective changes you could make in order to change your thinking process?

 
Old 12-03-2006, 10:08 PM   #6
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k_2005 HB User
Re: I just want to cry. Please offer some support

That is a great question, JJ.

If I am going to get serious about recovery, I need to learn to find value and acceptance in myself for who I am as a person, rather than allowing the scale or the clothing sizes to dictate what I am worth. I also need to learn that everything I put up with as a child is in the past, and I have a whole life ahead of me in the future. Furthermore, I have the power to decide what to do with my future because I no longer need to allow my parents to run my life.

One thing that I have found extremely helpful is journaling. By writing down my thoughts and feelings on paper, I can acknowledge them, rather than trying to hide them and resorting to self-destructive behaviors. Since I express myself very well through writing, journaling has been the perfect coping skill for me.

I also love to write poems because it helps me express myself and makes me feel proud when I write something really powerful. I feel comforted by writing. Singing is another great coping skill for me. It is really interesting how I learned to sing...when I was in the Ed treatment center, one of the counselors taught me how to reduce anxiety by breathing through my diaphragm. Once I mastered the technique, I learned that I could sing! So now, singing reminds me to take those deep breaths and helps me relax. Also, yoga is helpful.

So yeah...this has been a great conversation. I definitely feel a lot better than I did this morning. THANK YOU JJ!

 
Old 12-03-2006, 11:48 PM   #7
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angelluv1234 HB User
Re: I just want to cry. Please offer some support

Hey girl! Sorry to hear you are going through this. I am the same way. - but things are getting much better.
So, you are a perfectionist. - most with EDs are.
Here's a thought: Find pictures of women with nice healthy bodies and realize how great they look - Scarlett Johansson is a good example - then strive to look like them. - I know it doesn't fix the problem, but it could prevent you from getting too thin and sick.
I've recently realized that men were commenting on how skinny I was getting - and not really in a good way. - I was terrified on gaining weight, but the comments kept coming. - I was not bone thin or anything, just thinner than my normal. Then, I started noticing women that were slightly curvy and SO beautiful and it made me want to strive for that. - I've only gained a few pounds b/c I'm terrified of being overweight, but readjusting my idea of a beautiful body has helped a lot. - I used to search for the skinniest models I could find and strive to look like them. - I try not to look at those anymore b/c I'll start cutting calories more.
Anyway, I'm rambling but thought maybe that could help since you're a perfectionist. - Maybe if you change what your idea of perfection is.........

 
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