Slipping - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

MariaBB · 09-11-2007, 10:06 AM

Hey guys, I'm going a little nuts here and hope you could help. I haven't been around much lately, and have been feeling good. No depression spells, no obsessions. I've been eating some additional foods, things I wouldn't have eaten three months ago. For the most part I've felt OK mentally. I hadn't been focusing much on food or weight.

Over the weekend I two bad(ish) meals. I've eaten "bad" stuff before this weekend, but in moderation. Say, maybe an extravagent meal once a week. This was a huge deal, because previously I would have never eaten these things. After two healthy meals in one weekend, Sunday I freaked. My weight went up and I panicked.

Now I think since I've let myself eat some "forbidden foods" I'm getting used to them and will balloon. I fear I'll crave them all the time and won't be able to prevent myself from eating them. I know I'm supposed to be gaining weight, but I'm terrified that I've doomed myself to a life of cheeseburger and pizza cravings. I'm feeling helpless and out of control, and am really mad at myself for allowing myself to slip-up.

At the same time I know I'm supposed to gain weight. It makes no sense! When I weigh less I feel I have to gain. When I gain I feel panicky and miserable. I can't stand this roller coaster life! I don't want to be sick, but I can't allow myself to lose control and get fat!

To compound things I'm organizing a baby shower at work where there will be sweets. I also ordered a fruit tray, and will try to stick with that, but am terrified I won't be able to resist the sweets. Help!

scarletknight33 · 09-11-2007, 01:17 PM

Hi Maria -

I think that the hardest thing for me is to try and differentiate between being healthy and being fat. Although I have never been overweight, I understand where you are coming from b/c I too feel that when I am underweight I need to gain weight and when I gain weight, usually water weight, that I have to lose weight. I try to think about what healthiness is and try to re-focus my attention on something else. Things that don't involve food or exercise, as I have my issues with both. When I'm in my own head, I'm in a bad neighborhood. I try to leave the house, as this helps to clear my head and help me to gain a perspective.

MariaBB · 09-12-2007, 09:02 AM

Thank you, that's the kind of talking I need to hear!

I'm really stressing right now because I have to go to a work party this afternoon where there will be a lot of sweets. I wrote a note on my hand to remind myself to stick with the fruit tray. I'd sure like to be normal again someday, where I wouldn't have to obsess about this stuff!

Sannah · 09-12-2007, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MariaBB

I'm feeling helpless and out of control

I know I'm supposed to gain weight. It makes no sense! When I weigh less I feel I have to gain.

When I gain I feel panicky and miserable.

I can't allow myself to lose control and get fat!

Hi Maria, every once in awhile I slip over here to see how you are doing. Do you think that this is really more about feeling in control than anything else? It seems that having strict control is the only way to feel "in control" here? When the rules are relaxed a bit and your body gives in to "normal" cravings then you feel that you have lost that strict control and this is what gives you peace (the strict control - that everything will be alright)?