i am so confused! im an absolute mess! i have been trying to recover from my ED for about 12months now by seeing a therapist and attempting to change my eating but i feel like to be honest now iv gone nowhere...i thought for awhile i was making so much progress that i was on my way - i wasnt throwing up everyday actually no let me rephrase that i was throwing up everyday if i was able to (being left alone/ if time permitted) but was more than happy if i didnt get the chance to because i was sharing time with my friends and my boyfriend had just arrived back from overseas which was ahuge step for me as i would normally have massive anxiety attacks and try and worm my way out of any social situation so i could escape into my ED..but during this time i have upped my laxative intake without even conciously meaning to so really its not going anywhere...now things are getting really bad again, my boyfriend and i broke up after 2yrs together, ive written off my car and am having to live back home with my family and now ive damaged my knee somehow ive been to the physio and he said my muscles on one side of my knee havent been toning while the otherside has with all the gym work i do and its pulling my knee out of place so im currently tapped up and unable to go to the gym (havent been for 2 weeks argh!!!) and ED is running wild!..see im confused though i feel more confident and happy and i know exactly what my ED is doing and all the info under the sun about this disorder but yet i cant stop it!...i had a goal weight to stick at and i did maintain it for about 6weeks but now im wanting/ trying to loose weight again, im having anxiety attacks, im binging and purging and dangerously restricting again and my weight is now [removed] below my maintainance weight which is still underweight in itself! my family sat me down last weekend and said since ive been staying with them the last few weeks they have seen how im slipping and how bad things really are with this and they said if i dont do something now and we get me real help they are going to take me to a clinic where im 110% certain i will go insane!...so my plan so far this week has been i gave mum my laxatives and she is giving me a certain amount each day to taper off using them and so far i havent gone to the shops and bought a secret packet although i really have wanted to! i figure iv gone to all this trouble of actually really getting rid of these laxs and am putting my poor family through this why ruin it now, im not letting myself lie about it anymore as im scared my body will collapse on me soon and il be dead at 19..so far ive dropped [fewer and fewer lax per day] - i feel ok extremely nervous but so proud that im actaully doing it! my binging and purging has increased to every night again sometimes twice but im trying really hard to fight the urges...ive also booked in to see a therapist who deals soley with eating disorders at a clinic and have written him a letter of exactly what i do how i feel etc etc so that im being honest from the start as i get so embarressed and also secretive i think more so from myself than anyone else..im just hoping to god that this works that he can help me as i really am scared for myself now i dont want to die and im terrified of what ive already done to myself i just want to be bec again and kill Ed once and for all not let it be the other way around...im sorry for rambling just my head is going crazy i feel like a drug addict with withdrawals, im moody, im shakey, anxious all the time its hell...but shall keep fighting cos thats what we do.
has anybody got any tips on recovery? or anything that you think may help me?
Last edited by mod-anon; 09-14-2007 at 10:44 PM.
Reason: edited triggering words
I think I understand how you're feeling. Cut yourself some slack; dealing with an ED is a long-term, very difficult thing. You made progress and slipped back...it's normal, though discouraging.
What a terrific thing you're doing by weaning yourself off the laxatives! Congratulations on that! And you're seeking help and being honest about things. That takes a lot of courage, and determination to get better, too.
Give yourself credit: you're dealing with an incredibly difficult, frustrating, painful, stubborn disorder.
There will be relapses, then better times, and the longer you work on it, the better the chances that you'll be able to really deal with it. 19 is very young. You have time to change.
Even though you're feeling discouraged and shaky (yes, it is an addiction in part, I think), you are really in a very good place.
Try not to panic over the relapse. That only increases anxiety and makes it worse. Take it one day at a time, continue to seek help, and be proud of yourself for taking these steps.
Can you bring yourself to ask your mom for help with the purging?
Best to you, keep on going forward, you will make it!
hey...im hoping that i can im going to try and ask to just sit with her and my step dad when im like that rather then sneaking off to binge etc..ive told my best friend about how its getting really hard and she said i can go over there anytime i need to so i might do that to i really want to try...i feel terrible today im so bloated and my back and tummy are so sore its ridiculous i feel like a beached whale at the moment but im not going to let ED win i just wish it would all stop but hey im just looking forward to the day i wake up ED free and am just bec again....if anyone has any suggestions on how i can get abit of relief from this pain, im still taking the lax just half what i was having before so i should be going to the loo but im all blocked up and ballooned im also eating dried fruit to help but i feel terrible i was fine this week and just today has been hell and im scared to cut down anymore lax incase it gets worse
ps. thank you so much for your reply it was really helpful to have somebody say that im doing well when i feel like im falling apart..thank you for just being here
Did you check with your doc about withdrawing from laxatives? I have read that some people use suppositories for a while - ask about this. Your system, though, will need time to come back. If you can't go for three or four days, check in with your doc. It's a difficult and distressing process.
Yes, I think you're doing great. If it helps, I purged and did laxatives for 16 years. What I had to do to stop was to have several people I could call at any time of day or night, and when I felt I just had to purge, I would run out of my apartment (in NYCity) and go to their houses. I would cry, feel as if I would go out of my mind, but I was willing to go through that. That phase lasted for at least four months...only with the help of OA and these women who were there for me was I able to stop.
The good news is that after I went through the with drawal I stopped entirely. It's been almost 40 years since I purged (yes, I am quite a bit older). It was fully worth the battle.
Whatever I can do to help, I am here to listen. I've been through it and remember how arduous it was. I admire you for trying, and I'm sure you will come to the end of it. Just hang in there, ask you doc what you can do to deal with the bloating and constipation.
I hope others join me in responding who have been through this. In the meantime, you have my prayers.
ive got my first appointment with a proper eating disorders phycologist on friday so im hoping he can help me...i know what you mean about needing to get away and go to your friends i just have this wall atm from asking them to sit with me through this i feel like ive asked so much of my beautiful friends and family already, there is just something stopping me il have the phone in my hand and be about to break down and just want a hug but i cant do it, ED just takes over and im gone...the bloating has gone done a little bit today which is good..thank you again so much for replying it helps so much hearing that you did get better and that it is possible to beat this cos at the moment i just dont know how to do it - well i know what i have to do but its just so hard and feels impossible sometimes...u have really helped by just replying as this disorder makes you feel so lonely sometimes so thank you!
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