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Old 01-05-2008, 02:12 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Birmingham, UK
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lil ladee HB User
Thumbs down struggling, again

hello everyone, it's been a while since i've been on here. i've missed it, i used to check everyday to read encouraging stories, or to reassure myself that there are people in exactly the same position as i am.
i've been through a strange phase of my eating disorder recently. i'm bulimic and last summer i took myself off the antidepressants that i'd been taking for over a year. i realise now that it was a terrible decision, but at the time i was so happy, hardly purging after eating and beginning to regain a healthier relationship with food.
unfortunately, since the start of college this year, everything's gone downhill again and while i perhaps initially eat a proper meal at night, i then make myself sick after which i then am tempted to eat again, as i feel lovely and empty...this eating more often than not turns into a binge and i'm back being sick again. it's wearing me out mentally and physically, i'm so so tired and genuinly fed up.
the problem is, to retain my current weight (i'm not that thin, just below average ((apparently..))) i just feel like i can't be without bulimia, so am now stuck in a problem which i hate, more than anything, but feel i can't live without...sounds ridiculous, such a contradiction, but that's the best i can explain it!
i don't really know my motivation for posting this, but it got it off my chest a bit!
love and hugs
lilly xxx
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Old 01-05-2008, 02:36 PM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,006
Aurora HB User
Re: struggling, again

Heya,

I am glad you came on to tell us how you are feeling and maybe get some sense of support for yourself. Bulimia, or any form of eating disorder, is an incredibly difficult illness to live with, so don't make it harder for yourself by going through it alone.

Firstly, I would recommend you looking for help again. I presume you have had some kind of professional help in the past as you were prescribed anti-depressants. So, maybe you could get an appt with your therapist, or if lacking a therapist you could go to your GP and ask for a referral.

Secondly, is there a friend or family member that you could turn to for some support? Whilst I am sure everybody here would love to help you any way they can, it is not the same as having someone who can literally give you the hug you need, or the shoulder to cry on.

Thirdly, you have to stop listening to the voice in your head that lies to you and tells you that bulimia is keeping you thin. It is lying, tell it to go away. As someone who has been through the purging stage of anorexia I can tell you that purging keeps your weight higher than it actually is. This is because of electrolyte and water imbalances. Once you stop purging your weight stabilises, often lower than it was at the time you were actively purging. But even if it doesn't, you have to learn that it is OK to be a 'normal' weight. It does not reflect on your worth as a person whether you weigh 2 or 20 stone. The only thing that matters is how you FEEL about it. That is why you owe it to yourself to reach out and get that help. Go on girl, I am sure you can do this. I believe in you, we all do, now all you have to do is pick up a phone and make that appointment. It could save your life. And it will save your soul from the misery that is an eating disorder.

Keep us posted, I want to know that you are doing ok. I also want to read your inspirational story on here one day too.

Big hugs,
H
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Old 01-06-2008, 02:57 PM   #3
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lil ladee HB User
Arrow Re: struggling, again

hey aurora, thanks so so much for your reply, you sound so lovely..wish there were more people like you around so people would understand the hell my eating disorder puts me through every minute of every day.
your post, and how ill i've been recently persuaded me to make an appointment. i'm going back to my GP next week, i did have a therapist, got so far with recovery, and realised that i needed bulimia to control my weight, i was fat again. i refused further treatment. i realise now that this is controlling my life to such an extent that i need help, and have to somehow convince myself, as you say, that i'll be better off without it. i know it's doing me so much damage, but when there's the irresistable urge to be sick after eating i just can't make the thought of all that damage make me stop.
i talk to friends and my boyfriend about my ED, but only to a certain extent..i'm embarrassed about how much i'm being sick, how much i eat during a binge, how much weight i need to lose before i'll be happy......everything that sounds so dramatic when you tell someone who hasn't been there!
i want to FEEL ok about myself, feel amazing, like so many of my friends who look so good and don't even throw up. i need to get better, but there's just this huge barrier in my mind that won't let me let go of how much i need bulimia to make me feel ok about myself. take tonight for instance, i was with company after eating, so desperately wanted to be sick but couldn't....i got so aggitated and annoyed and depressed..i NEED to lose this!
thank you so much for your post, i hope you're doing ok too
lots of love,
lillyxx
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Old 01-07-2008, 07:20 AM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: London, UK
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Aurora HB User
Re: struggling, again

Lily,

I am glad I had the chance to offer something to you in my reply. I can offer only that which I know, but I do know how much one can long to be understood. Thank you for being so nice back to me!

If I have played a small part in helping you reach for that help again, then I am truly thankful. Nobody deserves to suffer with an ED. I would not wish one on my worst enemy. But the fact that you are going to see your GP shows great courage on your part. I am really proud of you!

You said that in the past you realised you needed bulimia to control your weight. That is your ED lying to you again. What happens is that when you start therapy it starts to figuratively speaking 'pull the plaster off an open wound'. It seems like everything hurts more than it did already, and so you turn to what you know. This time you will be more prepared for that point. This time you can tell it you are not going to listen to the lies. And you are right, thinking about potential damage will not stop you acting out your ED habits. What WILL help you is learning to accept yourself. Learning that your body is beautiful, your soul is beautiful, that you deserve to be happy and not miserable. The physical benefits of recovery are obviously important, but it can only happen when you are emotionally strong enough. This time you will be. And we will be behind you 100%!

You made a clear point at the end of your reply. I think you need to print it out and carry it around - in case bulimia tries to make you forget. You said, 'I NEED to lose this!'. Don't let yourself forget that, EVER!

I am going to pass on a 'gift' my therapist gave to me once when I was questioning why I would even want to think about recovery. She told me that, 'The deeper sorrow has carved into your soul, the more joy you can contain'. This is a well-known quote, but it really meant a lot to me. Often, the road which keeps us in our ED is so sorrowful, and painful. And when we finally win our fight we will appreciate life even more than before, for we will know how far we have come on our journey.

Be well Lily.
Hugs from H x
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Old 01-07-2008, 01:28 PM   #5
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Posts: 53
bamalina HB User
Re: struggling, again

Hey there, wow I have come back here again after a good 10 months and I to am struggling (again), I thought I had turned a corner, and so did everyone else :-(
I seem to be ok for a few months and then out of nowhere I will want to be starving myself again and feelin like crap (sorry) and miserable and apparently thats good? I cant think of any other reason why I would want to be so silly, I am not bulimic I am fightin anorexia (i will never admit that i am otherwise it feels like its won), and I seem to be scared of the unknown, like what if I gain weight, whats the worse thing that will happen, the worse bit is I have 2 beautifull children a wonderfull man, a nice home, but I cant stop hating what I see in the mirror, it really sucks!
I hope you overcome this, I say at the begginning of every year this is it this time, but thats been happening for 5 years now, and its gettin realy tiresome now, I would love to be happy and confident and love myself no matter what, I mean what is so wrong with us that we have to feel we are so low to do this to our bodies!
I wish you so much luck, I have to say when I came back on here I thought I wouldnt reconise anyone anymore, and I'm sorry that we are both struggling again, I want to make this my year to get over it once and for all, I mean we are only once in this lifetime, and we will be looking back and remember these awful things that had complete control over our lives when they shouldnt.
Keep in touch lil ladee, I am off to read some more inspirational stories because I know there is a way out of this somewhere,

Tammy xx

 
Old 01-08-2008, 10:15 AM   #6
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Posts: 48
lil ladee HB User
Re: struggling, again

hey,
thanks for your post too tammy, i totally understand what you mean about every year saying 'this is the year', i have been for quite a few now...but i really deeply hope that this year is the best yet for all of us.
Aurora, i went to my GP earlier, and fully admitted how i felt about myself and how i'm losing control of bulimia again. i've been put on antidepressants, again...i said i didn't want to go back on them, but i've got lots of college exams coming up and he said that perhaps a quick fix would help me through them...thinking about it, he's right, i don't want my ED to ruin important college work which'll determine my future...a future without bulimia i hope. trouble is, prozac is just a quick fix..i found before that in not feeling stress, i lost touch of how to deal with it, making it harder for myself in the long run. hopefully, i can soon get back into therapy and really tackle the underlying issues, something that really scares me thinking too much about it all makes me realise how much of a state i'm in and how much time i've wasted...

thank you both so much for your posts, sounds like you're having a tough time too bamalina, big hugs go out to you i understand that it can just come out of nowhere, are you in therapy? although i'm bulimic i think i can understand some issues concerned with anorexia...has anything brought it all back? so so sorry to hear you're struggling...you're right though, no one deserves any of this, or the damage it does to our bodies..
keep on fighting, there has to be a way out
lilly xox
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Old 01-08-2008, 10:29 PM   #7
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,006
Aurora HB User
Re: struggling, again

Hey Lily,

I am soooo proud of you for going through with the appt. Yes, I understand your reluctance with regard to the antidepressants, but sometimes the best recovery plan is a combination of medicine and therapy.

Did your doc say when you will be seeing the therapist? Did you get re-referred or something yeah? I guess if that is the case it is kind of dependent on waiting lists in your area.

The thing with some of the anti-depressants is that there is very real evidence that in many people it helps lessen the likelihood of binging, as well as giving a slight 'lift' to your mood. But yes, in the long run it is the talking that will allow you to break free.

I hope that you will keep us posted on how you are doing. I know that if you are busy with exams that can be hard - but even now and again would be great.

You take care, remember I believe in you - we all do. You are strong enough to overcome this illness.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.
H x
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Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree today.

 
Old 01-09-2008, 03:35 PM   #8
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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seaturtle HB User
Re: struggling, again

Hi,

Maybe this might help: I was bulimic for sixteen years, and when I stopped the behaviours, I actually lost weight.
My primary condition is anorexia, though, and once I stopped the purging, I never, ever, binged again.

I'm older, and haven't engaged in bulimic behaviours for a good thirty-plus years now. It can be done, and if you can learn to regulate your eating, you can also maintain a weight that you can be healthy at and tolerate.

Long road, I know. Keep at it. You will make it.

 
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