I don't really know why I am here or why I am posting. I usually go to another board where I feel very welcome but lately I've had the feeling that I just don't quite fit in anymore. First a tiny bit of my story so you know what we're dealing with:
I started my first diet when I was about 14, then turned severely anorexic when I was 16, bulimic when I was 18, then recovered when I was 19 and relapsed last year. Badly. Now I put myself back into therapy (my own, not seeing a therapist, they annoy me a lot).
Where is my problem? I feel like I'm not ill enough for message boards. I can't relate to anything at this point in time. I know I'm not doing well as I can feel it but it feels so strange. I am longing for a home and for comfort and a place where I feel I belong. And at this point in time, there is none. That's why I am here.
How do you know you're actually "worthy" calling yourself eating disordered?
I have been "clean" for about 2 weeks now. And I still feel very unstable. My life is a bit out of hand. It always feels like it was growing bigger than me and I lose control. There is a lot going on in my life due to my career(s). My way of getting in control is eating/restricting/purging/binging......
What can I do? Where can I turn? I just feel lost at this point in time.
just to say that i've been welcomed and helped so so much by people on this board, so don't worry hun..
your story sounds very similar to mine, relapses are incredibly unsettling and i've found that they destroy my confidence when i give in to my ED again..i want to be stronger, but am not in a position right now to fight with all my strength...it always gets the better of me..maybe you can relate to that a bit? you are not alone with any of the things you write, believe me.
in terms of control, i can completely understand what you say. i'm in my final year at college and the stress is so intense that the way i control it, or release stress when things go wrong, is to binge and purge. you say 'clean'..do you mean you haven't b/p for 2 weeks? that's a really positive thing, but the fact that you say you're unstable is worrying, would you consider going to a GP? it really might help you, if nothing more than to tell someone your story and get it off your chest? it's a huge step, but one that i really benefitted from...i too, was annoyed by my therapist and it got to the point where i refused to go back, but now...about a year on, i've realised that i need help and they are definitely people who can give it to you.
in my opinion, no one wants to be 'worthy' of being eating disordered, and although there are ways that drs can 'diagnose' an eating disorder, anyone with a problem with food that's significant to the extent that it interferes with their life in a big way, has a problem...whether or not you have an eating disorder or not, i'm not in a position to judge or anything.. but it sounds like you need help if you're using food to control stress etc..
hope that helps a little, sorry it's a bit rambly..keep on fighting babe,
love lilly xXx
when life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1000 reasons to smile
You are most certainly welcome here! We all help each other. A common symptom of EDs is denial. I rarely feel I'm "sick enough" for treatment. I "know" there are people WAY more ED'd than me. Sometimes I'm convinced I don't even have an ED. But other times I know that's ED lying to me.