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Old 02-19-2008, 08:07 AM   #1
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Up, then down again. Need support...have questions

Over the past two months or so I gradually gained enough to reach a "normal weight" bmi. I was highly motivated and determined to recover. I stopped weighing/measuring myself obsessively and I ate regular, reasonably portioned meals. I felt peaceful, hopeful, and even excited to be making progress. By God's good grace I was walking the path of recovery.

BUT...just before I got to the normal bmi I started to compulsively overeat. It started out small: slightly overeating at breakfast or lunch, snacking/munching throughout the day etc.... Then I became completely out of control in the evenings and would eat from dinner until I went to bed (I had trouble breathing because I was so stuffed). The days weren't much better; I was eating almost constantly. I wouldn't purge though...I'd let myself suffer the consequences of my actions.

That combined with starting to notice the weight on my body: my face and shoulders had filled out and my pants were more snug in the hips, I completely lost all fortitude I had for recovery.

Now I'm back to where I started..."underweight" bmi, restricting, purging, and exercising unnecessarily.

I have some questions: does anyone else feel badly when they eat regularly? I mean physically (I get hot, achy, stiff, and have digestive problems). I have thyroid disease and thought maybe my thyroid was acting up. In hindsight though I realized I started feeling poorly around the same time I began eating regularly, it got worse during the bingeing and now that I'm restricting again I actually feel great (other than the typical low blood sugar symptoms and being cold all the time).

Of course this gives me an "excuse" to restrict and solidifies my desire to avoid eating. I am at a place where I really do want recovery...I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted from this ED struggle. Yet I don't want to gain the weight; it simply terrifies me. I can't stand seeing myself so "bloated".

Right now I feel I could be happy at a certain weight but I know I can't maintain that and eat regularly. I'd like to talk with a dietician (I have so many questions!) but my husband's company just announced it's closing and his job will be terminated within this calendar year. I don't feel like it's urgent enough to pay the deductible and co-pays when we need to be saving.

What has been your experiences with a dietician? Have you felt they were helpful towards your recovery? What do you feel has helped you the most in your recovery (eg: group therapy, individual therapist, dr, dietcian, meds, in-patient treatment, out-patient treatment etc...)? Why do you think it helped?

Thanks all for any support, kind words, or answers you can give.

Love, Kelly

P.S. I'm afraid to get professional help because of the stories I've heard about people being forced into treatment etc...I have 6 children and I'm worried that if I seek treatment and then have a relapse I'd be labeled "mentally unstable" (which thankfully I'm not outside of my ED ) or a "danger to myself"...or whatever...and it would unnecessarily affect my family. Is that silly or do things like that really happen?

Last edited by ASDGRMama; 02-19-2008 at 08:08 AM.

 
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Old 02-19-2008, 10:53 AM   #2
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I completely understand when you say that you overate to the point of extreme discomfort. I have been there; I am there.

It sounds as though things had improved for you for a period in your life, as you mention your high determination and motivation to recover. I congratulate you on this realization yet, as I understand it, you feel that you are back where you began.

As far as an answer to your question about "eating normally" and discomfort, I too experience the same thing. I cannot eat a bowl of soup without feeling uncomfortably full for a long time, yet each other person I know could eat this, a sandwich, perhaps a yogurt, and even a dessert. It makes me quite miserable.

I do see a dietitian. She is extremely cheap, as she is employed through the university in which I am enrolled. This is probably not terribly helpful information for you. Yet, I also have free health care through the hospital in town for my psychology appointments. I was able to apply for this by contacting the billing department of the hospital. I was then sent paperwork to fill out stating my low income (as a college student). This hospital also has a dietitian that I could see for free, yet the university dietitian is much easier for me to get to on my own, without a car.

Perhaps you, or others who may be reading this, could qualify for some kind of low-income assistance. Or, perhaps a university near by would have undergraduate students enrolled in nutrition studies who are looking to assist someone as a requirement for their undergraduate coursework.

I certainly hope this post is beneficial to all who choose to read it.

 
Old 02-19-2008, 01:52 PM   #3
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Re: Up, then down again. Need support...have questions

Thanks for your reply comediane. It was helpful...just knowing someone is out there listening .

Love, Kelly

 
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