Over the past two months or so I gradually gained enough to reach a "normal weight" bmi. I was highly motivated and determined to recover. I stopped weighing/measuring myself obsessively and I ate regular, reasonably portioned meals. I felt peaceful, hopeful, and even excited to be making progress. By God's good grace I was walking the path of recovery.
BUT...just before I got to the normal bmi I started to compulsively overeat. It started out small: slightly overeating at breakfast or lunch, snacking/munching throughout the day etc.... Then I became completely out of control in the evenings and would eat from dinner until I went to bed (I had trouble breathing because I was so stuffed
). The days weren't much better; I was eating almost constantly. I wouldn't purge though...I'd let myself suffer the consequences of my actions.
That combined with starting to notice the weight on my body: my face and shoulders had filled out and my pants were more snug in the hips, I completely lost all fortitude I had for recovery.
Now I'm back to where I started..."underweight" bmi, restricting, purging, and exercising unnecessarily.
I have some questions: does anyone else feel badly when they eat regularly? I mean physically (I get hot, achy, stiff, and have digestive problems). I have thyroid disease and thought maybe my thyroid was acting up. In hindsight though I realized I started feeling poorly around the same time I began eating regularly, it got worse during the bingeing and now that I'm restricting again I actually feel great (other than the typical low blood sugar symptoms and being cold all the time).
Of course this gives me an "excuse" to restrict and solidifies my desire to avoid eating. I am at a place where I really do want recovery...I'm emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted from this ED struggle. Yet I don't want to gain the weight; it simply terrifies me. I can't stand seeing myself so "bloated".
Right now I feel I could be happy at a certain weight but I know I can't maintain that and eat regularly. I'd like to talk with a dietician (I have so many questions!) but my husband's company just announced it's closing and his job will be terminated within this calendar year. I don't feel like it's urgent enough to pay the deductible and co-pays when we need to be saving.
What has been your experiences with a dietician? Have you felt they were helpful towards your recovery? What do you feel has helped you the most in your recovery (eg: group therapy, individual therapist, dr, dietcian, meds, in-patient treatment, out-patient treatment etc...)? Why do you think it helped?
Thanks all for any support, kind words, or answers you can give.
Love, Kelly
P.S. I'm afraid to get professional help because of the stories I've heard about people being forced into treatment etc...I have 6 children and I'm worried that if I seek treatment and then have a relapse I'd be labeled "mentally unstable" (which thankfully I'm not outside of my ED
) or a "danger to myself"...or whatever...and it would unnecessarily affect my family. Is that silly or do things like that really happen?
.
