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Old 06-01-2008, 07:21 PM   #1
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i will try to make this as least triggering as possible....

hello everyone! i dont know if anyone remembers me. its been awhile and i see alot of new names on here. anyway, heres my story..

back in middle school, i developed anorexia and lost a ton of weight. i was struggling so much and decided for myself that i wanted to recover. i made my mom get me a therapist and i worked so hard on recovery. i was doing so well. i began enjoying life and living freely. im now 16 years old and struggling again.

back in december, at 16 years old, i got my period for the first time. i never got it because i was so underweight but i got healthy so i got it. along with my period came major hormones that packed on the pounds. i wasnt even eating more but i was just putting on weight like crazy. ive gained <weight> since december and ive been so freaked out that for the past month, ive <been> talking to girls to help me lose all the weight fast. ive completley returned to old habits plus more. ive been resticting/fasting and ive even started smoking
but all i am is sad from this..

im so confused i just want to cry. im all depressed again and feeling like a fat failure. i dont want to be depressed but i now have a strong desire to be super skinny again. but I KNOW its just gonna make me sad. i feel disconnected from myself. do i want to? or do i want to keep recovering? i dont know...

will this period weight even out? or am i doomed for life?

im sorry for the depressing post but i know these message boards are so helpful. your the only people who understand <33

Last edited by mod-anon; 06-02-2008 at 12:00 AM. Reason: edited triggering words

 
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Old 06-03-2008, 05:47 AM   #2
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Re: i will try to make this as least triggering as possible....

Hello Melissa,

I haven't been on the eating disorders board in a long time myself... I had a severe bout of anorexia at the age of around 18. I am now 33. I may be a bit of a "weird" eater but I feel ok.

You ask if the period weight thing will even out. I would really think so. You know, part of how much weight we gain at puberty is genetic. Part also has to do with our eating habits of course.
Now going the nothing-instead-of-all way again would not be very smart as you say yourself you know. Not only will it most likely make you unhappy and turn into a severe and possibly life-threatening addiction again, it is also not good for your body. The key to feeling good about oneself is healthy eating not in terms of a diet, but in terms of something you want to KEEP doing. because if you restrict and then eat again, that only gets your body out of whack.

(Actually that may be another cause for your recent weight gain? Your body thinking it must hold on to the energy because there might be another starving period. In my early 20s, after I had gained back the weight from the anorexia, I went through a period where I did overeat quite a bit and gained more weight than I wanted to. Not to the point of being overweight, but I think for me it was quite much.)

Don't listen to that voice inside of you that tells you you're a failure! I think that's the anorexia talking, don't you think so? At your age, especially when you first get your period, your body is going through a whole lot of changes. That is normal.

The other question is, how is your weight form an objective point of view? Do other people see you as "fat" too? Or is it just your perception?

The fact that you posted here shows that there is a healthy part in you too that does want to keep recovering! Listen to that part.

Kathrin

 
Old 06-03-2008, 07:52 PM   #3
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Re: i will try to make this as least triggering as possible....

thanks kathrin!!

after i returned to a normal weight, its like all my fears were gone and i guess after losing the ana control, i felt completley out of control so i did start to overeat for a little while. i noticed i was gaining weight (nothing like i am now) so i started to eat normally again. i was even ok with the extra weight gain because i knew it was going to my hips and boobs, which i was excited about because my ana made me look like a 10 year old boy. haha. but even after i returned to normal eating, the weight just kept coming on. i kept telling myself, "its ok, its your period, your gonna be a woman!" but it has just become too much for me to handle. or maybe not for me to handle but for my ed to handle? which is making me not handle it because there is still a voice there. ughh ed never goes away. it just like, lingers above your head and strikes back when "it" feels fat. everyone tells me ive grown into myself, and people have even told me that i look beautiful. (i dont mean to sound conceited, honest!!). but i just dont see it. i see ugly fat everywhere and i want it off so bad. or ed does?

im sorry this is a circular never ending rant but im glad you understand.

ive talked to so many girls my age about this and they tell me that my body is gonna go through some serious changes. which ed does not like at all. my ed wants the 10 year old boy body back. but i want to be a woman.

but ed always wins......

 
Old 06-04-2008, 02:56 AM   #4
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Kathrin74 HB User
Re: i will try to make this as least triggering as possible....

Quote:
Originally Posted by PinstripedBabe View Post
but ed always wins......
Not true! doesn't have to!


I can very much relate to the wanting to remain a child part. I think that is a biggie with anorexia!!? Maybe afraid of growing up? And then the whole woman thing, and men noticing our bodies... maybe that is one reason I prefer being thinner, I don't want to feel like I am a sexual object for men? But that can also be influenced by the way we dress!!!

But you CAN find a weight where you feel ok. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. And it doesn't have to be perfect either, after all we're all human and we are all shaped differently. I think a big problem with anorexia is also that the anorexic concentrates most on the one part of her body that she doesn't "like". Thinking, "oh, I still feel fat here", not noticing that for example her arms already look like sticks. I think that "perfect" body that a lot of people strive for isn't really naturally possible??

Kathrin

 
Old 06-04-2008, 07:28 AM   #5
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Re: i will try to make this as least triggering as possible....

Quote:
Originally Posted by PinstripedBabe View Post
after i returned to a normal weight, its like all my fears were gone.
This is interesting. I've heard that restricting changes our ability to think correctly and that when we regain a healthy weight we think more clearly and rationally.

Last edited by MariaBB; 06-04-2008 at 07:28 AM.

 
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