The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly :) - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

ASDGRMama · 06-10-2008, 07:29 AM

I haven't posted since March due to a variety of reasons but mostly because I just needed to be away from all things ED for a while

.

It's been a year since I had my baby (which, in part, triggered my ED after 3yrs behavior free). In December I was at my lowest adult weight and it came to a point where I truly wanted to overcome my ED. There were a lot of ups and downs.

In February things were going fantastically. I was journaling my food intake and gaining slowly but consistantly (no roller coaster up and downs). Things went beautifully for 3 months and then I stopped journaling because I wanted to take the plunge into "normal life". For me, journaling is a tool to help towards recovery but not actual recovery. It gives me the visual of what a day's worth of calories should look like. It also gives me a feel for portion sizes.

For a time things went well. I was eating small frequent meals with good portions sizes. Then the graduation open houses, b-day parties, and holiday weekend came upon me. It also didn't help that I got the flu and couldn't eat solid foods for a week.

Since then my thyroid seems to be a little out of whack (which is normal when I get sick...it tends to fluctuate) and my daughter isn't nursing as much so I'm feeling really hormonal. Having passed my lowest, healthy weight by a few pounds isn't helping either (meaning my BMI is "normal"...which the ED filters through as "fat").

I started exercising last week but then we were hit with a lot of bad weather and I stopped. I'm feeling really heavy and have been restricting (partly on purpose and partly because it's more convenient to not eat due to a lot of summer busy-ness).

I feel mildly depressed...(very mildly...just hormonal blahs) and have no appetite anyway. I've been drinking coffee as a pick-me-up; I've never been a coffee drinker before...only occasionally.

I haven't backslidden entirely. I had a few binges during the various gatherings and some occasional laxative use but I don't feel I'm in the thick, throes of ED. Maybe it's denial, maybe I'm just not far enough in but I can feel myself getting to that place of not wanting recovery.

I look at pictures of myself from December and even though friends and family were making negative and/or concerned comments about my size I want to be that size again. I honestly feel my current weight is too heavy for me...my joints hurt and my clothes don't fit right. I can't stand to look at myself.

It's not all consuming at this point but it's there. I know I need to learn to deal with stress better. I've been taking too much on and expecting too much of myself (type A personality...yaaay for me

). I know exercising would help but it's those blahs again.

Well, really, thanks for listening! I'm sorry I was out of the loop for a while.

Love, Kelly

P.S. I thought of journaling again but I'm really not at a mental/emotional place where it would help...it would just add to my feelings of anxiety and failure.

bamalina · 06-11-2008, 01:03 AM

Hi Kelly,

Its been soo long since I have visited here, and I am so sorry to hear you are still struggling, I think (because we know it never goes away) I am finally on the road out of this and leaving my ED behind, Its been 6 years, not a long time compared to some but even so.

I can only say what has worked for me so far, I know where your coming from about when you say your clothes dont fit right, easy answer....great excuse to go shopping?!
But seriously I have found weight lifting....now before you think I want to turn into a man, no no no, what I mean is the only way I am fighting my ed and the fear of getting fat is gaining weight and toning it all up, I have only gained a few pounds (I know we cant say weights) and I am still underweight and have a bit to go, but I am loving my new toned arms and my bottom is looking fab after doing squats and its lifting rather than sagging with nothing to hold it up! I dont know if it'l work for you, but I am now at a place where gaining isnt scary anymore because I am begginning to get a lovely shape instead of just bones!

I will say a pray for you, you deserve to feel great about yourself, and we get 1 shot at this life hunni and we shouldnt be throwing it away by feeling sad, there is soo much more to life as I am now beginning to find out, sorry this is so long, I just want to help, stay strong, I never thought I would be back here saying all of this, but even I have suprized myself! Fingers crossed I stay on this path

MariaBB · 06-11-2008, 07:30 AM

I've found weight training to be helpful in my recovery as well. I used to only do cardio at the gym (gotta burn those calores!) But I started mixing cardio with weights. I expected to see changes in my body with recovery, and I am seeing them. But this way they are positive changes I can agree with. My body is looking more toned and defined, less emanciated. Also, lifting weights provides my irrational mind an excuse to consume more proteins and healthy foods.

ASDGRMama · 06-11-2008, 12:37 PM

I was an avid weight lifter for a lot of years and my husband lifts weights...I'd love to get back into it. More than anything I'm limited by time right now. I agree that I'd feel better about my body if it were firmer. My body responds quickly to exercise so I know within a month I'd see some positive changes...I just need to be consistant.

Overall I have a very positive outlook on life...these "blahs" aren't all consuming and I know they're temporary. I just have to get through them..."This is the day the Lord hath made; I will rejoice and be glad in it"...I'm workin' on it

.

I feel quite a bit better today...the weather has cooled off and isn't so muggy (I live in Michigan so this 90+ degree weather with over 100% humidity is rough on me!), the sun is shining, my thyroid med adjustment is kicking in, and my baby has been nursing more the past few days due to a flu bug. So I think my hormones are evening out a little. I was even able to do 2 miles of interval running yesterday!

The ED stuff is always there though...kind of like a little storm cloud waiting to burst. I weighed myself today (it's been a week) and am now several pounds underweight. I realize the loss is mostly water weight (I swell a lot when my thyroid is underactive) but it's discouraging; yet satisfying at the same time

. I've noticed a difference in my face, abdomen and shoulders the past couple of days but was still surprised.

Your posts are encouraging and I think now is a good time to form a good habit of weight training with my husband

. He lifts every evening and I know will help me safely get back into it (I have a tendency to rush into things too quickly and then burn out). My joints aren't what they used to be due to excessive exercise with improper technique.

My kids are in tae kwon do and I went until I was 6mos pregnant (couldn't spar during pg though)...I'd like to start going again so maybe I'll consider that (it's that time thing again).

Thanks for replying...you've given me something to think about!

Love, Kelly

bamalina · 06-15-2008, 12:23 PM

I totally understand about you saying that time is limited, I have 2 children, and I do my workouts at home when they go to bed, I only do an hour, so I can be watching a programme or listeneing to music, but afterwards I feel great, and like MariaBB said I feel like eating healthy and protein based foods alot more, you sound more positive which is great, let us know how your doing, good luck.