i've been battling bulimia for about a year now, which is relatively short period of time, i know. i've been going through some form of an eating disorder of restricting, obsessing, binging and purging for about 3 years.
tonight, i binged after being triggered by my weakness food, and i purged. i vomited, and i vomited blood for the first time.
i'm an american, and don't have health insurance, and cannot afford to call the emergency room. on top of that, i am SO ashamed to what i have done to myself. my body. my mind. it makes me so mad and sad about what i've done to my body, the body that my parents gave me, the body that i take care of most of the time. after a purge, i always remember how sad my parents would feel if they knew what i was doing. they are such wonderful people and do not deserve the pain and suffering of knowing the severe unhappiness of their child.
when i saw blood tonight, it FREAKED me out, and it made me stop. thankfully, it's been more than an hour, and i am not vomiting and feel no chest or abdominal pain. i'm taking a risk here, but i'm not going to the doctors tonight.
but i do know this. THIS. IS. THE. LAST. TIME. i can't do this any more. i canNOT do this to myself any more. 10 extra pounds is so much better than the thought of grieving family and friends. 10 extra pounds is so much better than having to feel ashamed to the point that i wouldn't even seek medical attention.
this is my declaration. i am going to do everything in my power to stop this vicious cycle. i WILL BEAT THIS! I WILL I WILL I WILL.
Well done sweetie, lets all learn to handle and face our fears rather than let this illness manifest it's ugly self. We are not our bulimia, people have recovered and so can we. Iv'e heard it said that a new habit takes about 21 days done daily to form a habit.. so maybe we can EXPECT the first 3 weeks to be hardest, but remember it gets easier. Thtas what a recovered bulimic friend of an ex-boyfriend told me. And shes doing well now, in all aspects of her life. She'd offered me her help but i was too ashamed to accept. Shes had all her teeth veneered and had bulimia for ten 7 years. Lets do this.. u can do it but it may take a whole new way of thinking than just willpower to get bette.. (i speak for us all)... Are you ok now? Bleeding wise? U may have ruptured/torn skin in ur oesophagus - hopefully that was all... Love Pix xx
Sometimes we need a scare to wake us up to what we're doing to ourselves. For me it was when I began to lose the feeling in my hands and feet and experiencing heart arrhythmias...laying in bed at night wondering if I'd wake up in the morning (I later found out that my symptoms were due to an electrolyte imbalance).
I'm glad to hear you say these things...keep coming back to it again and again because the temptation to continue in your ED is going to get stronger and stronger and as this memory of vomiting blood fades in your mind you may begin to believe it wasn't such a big deal after all. IT IS!
I know you don't have insurance but go to your local health dept, explain your situation, and ask if there's anything they can do for you. Quite often there are free programs available. They may also know of a local ED support group they can refer you to.