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Old 04-11-2010, 04:01 AM   #1
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Life is a battlefield!

Hello,
I;m from Romania, 18 years.
I have been fighting with bulimia for over 2 years.

I have reached to keep myself away from vomiting a few mounths, but when it happens, an entire week I'm lost.
I used to vomit 3 times/ week; after vomiting the 1st time, the next day I was unable to vomit again, my stomach was a mess, I had terrible pains, I felt pain even when I was moving, my head was banging, my throat was hurting, I was feeling so week...
And I was spending my days in bed doing nothing...
lack of concentration...
Avoiding people, argueing with friends...
Waiting for the night to sleep, and hoping the next day I'd be better.
I was overweight <edited> at the age of 14. Then I starved myself <and lost weight>.

I stopped because I couldn't fight anymore with my anemia, I couldn't stand up or walk too much. I was drinking a lot of water and sleeping so I would forget to eat, also throwing away food so that my parents wouldn't notice.
I ended in the hospital, half dead, and diagnosticed with gastritis.
Then I had a treatment for another disease and the medicine increased my appetite, and after a year and a half I <weighed more>.

But I felt protected in that period. All that fatness was protecting me from people. I was studying hard for my exams, reading, taking photos and participating to exhibitions, receiving prizez for my poems. I had friends then. I was happy. True, Happy and fat. Now, almost none.

When I entered high school, I was burgled. Some boys were always picking up on me, saying that I look like uncle Fred from Adam's Family.

Then I went to Sibiu, I had an exchange project with some French pupils, and I was away from home for about 2 weeks. I was crying every night at the phone, saying to my mother how much I hate myself, how my skin had marks, explaining to her every detail of my embaressment; almost every girl had a French boyfriend there; I couldn't even fit in the medieval costume, so they brought me a dress that looked like a bag for potatoes. And what was worse, people kept saying I was beautiful, indeed a charming face, I was brilliant, smart and funny... but with an unfitted body, a huge amount of fat.

So, when I got home, I started a treatment, and in almost 1 year and a half i lost <weight>. The treatment consisted in vitamins to cover the loss of minerals, calcium, iron and so on; <a dietary plan>. I had a list of the foods and their calories; but when I began to loss weight, I felt so strong and happy that I started eliminating sweets, bread, or fatty aliments forever.

After the treatment, at highschool boys began to look at me saying : '' How gorgeous is she! '' ; '' Fresh meat ". One day a boy asked me : '' Who are you beautiful? Haven't seen you before" ; I answered : '' I am the blonde fat uncle Fred from the 29th classroom, always dressed in black, always listening to dark metal, always crying in the toilets." When he heard me, he stared at me in disbelief, and when he had the ocassion he apologised for his offences and begged for forgiveness. But it was too late.

Being slim, beautiful, I could meet new people. So i made a group of friends, always inseparable. But my best friend had bulimia. I discovered it after confessing myself to her. I saw that it had twice the taste, no calories. I was eating more, and vomit in order to keep my weight. But one day I couldn't vomit anymore because of the lesions i provoked to my throat, my teeth, my skin, my pale face, the marks on my hands from the bites. My problem began to be visible. So I stopped vomiting.

Also, I lost many friends, because I've neglected the ones that really cared for me. I entered in a group, destroying myself with drinking alcohol, dating weird guys, changing them like socks. I was devasteting myself.

When I felt in love for the for time, I was the happiest girl until I discovered that life isn't so pink as I thought. After this disillusion in love, I didn't care anymore of myself. Every time he hurt me, I was vomiting; it became a habit of reaction.

The financial problems at home, my father ill of depression, debts also pushed me further in this unusual habit, better said, pleasure. It became a pleasure. But it wasn't the same pleasure I had the first time, I couldn't feel the same. It was like an addiction, like a drug. The first time I did it, I promised not to do it again, and then again, and again, and again. Only promises...

My best friend harmed me by giving me the report of her daily vomiting and eating, until, one day, while I was waiting for someone to take my hand and save me, I met my present boyfriend, and he learnt me who are my friends, who are my enemines, all these for my own sake. So I began to take again the treatment, also go to the gym. I've replaced vomiting with going to the gym. From a necesity it was become a pleasure, an abreaction. When I exercise I forget for a few hours of all my problems, I simply concentrate on the exercise, I don't think at anything and the results are remarkable.
There I feel like home, I feel beautiful, happy to gain goals, people telling me how good I look. I have more trust in my self, but even now I have low selfesteem; I still need the aproval of the ones surrounding me.
And then, I started to forget about my past problems, but the pain was still there somehow, when I was alone. I had moments when I was with my boyfriend and I watched him eat and my thoughts were awake : '' After he leaves, I will eat some cake and then vomit. "

<edited>

I aparted my friends, I tried to talk to them about my eating disorder, but I wasn't understood, I was laught. I talked with a psychologist, but it wasn't very helpful. I am the only person who can help herself. And I am battleling with this disease everyday. Don't die of non-living, live your life!
I know it's hard, because the voices in your head still scream... But I try to do practical things like cleaning, washing, get out of the house, go jogging, call my bf. Now I can stop from eating more. The bad moments are when I do not care about myself, when I do not realise what I'm doing and then, I wake up like from a bad dream and see myself, and i began to feel disgust and I go to vomit. But that woudn't make me feel better, I felt worse.

>edited>

I do not wish for anyone to pass through such an experience. More dramatical is seeing you are on you're own, and people accuse you of so many things. I was accused of being arrogant, selfish, indifferent, I had problems at school, skipping school, but all of these were involuntary. Life and all the experience I've accumulated made me so. I am sorry for the pain I caused, but I am the one with the deepest holes in my soul and mind, I am the '' Don't know how to act in society ".

Now I've decided to try to apply for Police. I want to become stronger and confront my fears, I want to see and feel the pain of the ones near me, I want to help them and help myself, I want to realise that my problem can be controlled when others can't be. I want to take control of my life. What does not kill you, makes you stronger. And also, keep fit, healthy and happy. It'll be an exciting, also dangerous life, but I feel prepared to confront and cope with it. It will save me!

And now, here I am, reading more about this disease (from my own experience and not only) and making a project for a session of comunication. I chose this project to clear my mind. I've spent hours seeing movies, reading stories and crying... I couldn't believe it with my eyes seeing how many people have the same probleme.
But it helped indeed. I feel stronger when I talk about it.
And it'll be a shock for everyone, but such a relief for me to talk freely about it.

Keep a diary and write everything you eat, every thought related to it, since you wake up. After a few days, read it! I felt disgusted with myself seeing the monstrous and unrecognisable part of me. I remember that at a party I ate a huge amount of food and I started screaming at my bf that he had to beat me up, to scream at me, to take away the food from me. And after I calmed up, I looked in the mirror and I was scared of myself. WHO am I? WHat am I doing with myself?

You don't think all day about this problem, you think a few times during a day & remember, if you pass those moments, you're free that day. And then you'll feel less and less the need. Occupy your mind. Have hobbies. Keep near you only the friends that matter. Don't cry after the ones that left you. They weren't suppose to be your friends after running away like they did.

I can't say I am indeed pleased with myself, but I am not giving up. I am fighting, I have an amazing bf who helpes me and struggles to understand me, I have my family's support in everything, I am young, I have dreams and things I want to accomplish. It depends of you and you're attitude ! Rewrite yourself!

Last edited by mod-anon; 04-11-2010 at 04:57 AM. Reason: edited triggering passages

 
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