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Old 08-21-2010, 06:11 AM   #1
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Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

May I ask what are the best skills to equip one of taking each day in respect of recovering from Anorexia Nervosa? I have been a sufferer for many years and with attempts as an in patient and out patient basis, I still have not been able to contain this disease. I feel that I have personified my eating disorder but I do not know how to make it lesser than I am.... I cannot bring myself to get my body to a healthy weight but I know this is not being a woman nor a mother and I say to myself it is pathetic but my actions of recovery is what is more pathetic especially knowing I could borrow a skirt from my young daughter - imagine what she must think of me and what role model I represent to her! I would appreciate any proactive advice to help me move forward.
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Old 08-21-2010, 09:33 PM   #2
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Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

(I didn't see this before I replied on the other post.)

If you are personifying your ed then a really good book to read is, "Life Without Ed. Have you read it? The author types out the dialogue that she has with her ED. It's so weird because i've had those thoughts! She also writes out how she talks back and keeps from engaging in the ED behaviors.

CBT skills are really useful to use also. If you do a search on the net, some websites list them for free.

I use to work with little children and I know they notice how you eat and your mannerisms. I use to try to make an effort and eat right in front of them. But I quit because I got worst.

Has she asked why you are so thin? The little children I worked would ask me why I lost weight and why I was so skinny. I always changed the subject. Unless you are talking about food in a bad way or mentioning your size then try not to worry.

Also, keep a journal! Write down your postive steps towards recovery, even if it's something small. It really helps me when i'm feeling like recovery is moving slowly, to look back in the journal and see the progress.

Good Luck!!

Last edited by mod-anon; 08-22-2010 at 12:51 AM. Reason: removed quote

 
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Old 08-21-2010, 11:17 PM   #3
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Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

Thank you so much for all the advice and responses, it really is comforting to know that someone is out there trying to help and is understanding of my position.

The book you refer to is not known to me but I will source it out.

I have been an inpatient and outpatient in the last year and this has affected my children terribly as well as my husband and his trust of me going forward. He has told me that should I get worse again, our marriage will be over.

I have never discussed my body image nor what I prefer to eat in front of my children, especially my six year old daughter because she does not deserve to be dysfunctional based on my inadequecies of myself.

She is a highly intelligent girl for her age and she misses nothing, in fact the other day she said to me, 'Is that all you can eat, I think you should eat more'. This is one thing said amongst many others.

I do not wish to lose my family but I feel 'she' is stronger than me and she is my driving force, if I lose her - who am I? 'She' is an integral part of me.
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Old 08-22-2010, 12:59 PM   #4
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Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

Just an additional source u may want to conider- "Getting Better Bite by Bite", BY Ulrike Schmidt and Janet Treasure. Very practical info and know of a few who have used it during their recovery. wishing you all the best, keep positive!

 
Old 08-30-2010, 12:55 PM   #5
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Question Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

Hi,

I have gained weight which nearly brings me out of the danger zone but I am finding difficulty to sit with the discomfort of this 'progress'. How does one manage the cause and effect of an anorexic mind to acceptance when one has been in its clasp for 18 years.

I know I need to grow up and rise to the responsibility of what anorexia does but I need to manage it in a way that does not destroy me.

I just feel like going to the gym tomorrow and sweat it all out and fight the weight gain. I once was told 'fight the illness, not the system'. I feel that I need to fight both and keep myself at a place that I feel is comfortable. We all know that is the anorexic mind and not true reflection.

Please does anyone have baby steps of dealing with the weight gain on a daily basis, the fact is my mind feels clearer but my inner mind is driving me insane and not accepting of what I am doing to my body and allowing it to get bigger and bigger and huge!

How do I defeat her? How do I silence her to live? She will destroy me and my family.....
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Old 09-01-2010, 08:06 PM   #6
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Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

Hi there~A couple of things popped out at me and prompted me to respond. You say "I still have not been able to contain this disease", you will never, ever with your own power be able to contain this disease. Then again you say, "How does one manage the cause and effect of an anorexic mind to acceptance when one has been in its clasp for 18 years ", and again you say "I need to manage it in a way that does not destroy me." There is no way to manage this disease.

I too have been fighting this disease for the better part of my life I am 44-years-old I have been to both inpatient and outpatient programs. I now live with permanent damage to my body because of this disease. I have had surgery on both of my knees, just this month I had surgery on my jaw, I have to take supplements for the rest of my life becasue my body does not absorb correctly, all due to anorexia. I too worked in education and aspired to look like my students, sick, sick, sick I was.

Do not be foolded for a minute thinking that your children are not touched by the dysfunction of your disease. You don't need to speak the words with your children, they know, like you said they are very intelligent and observant. What I thought I was hiding, I wasn't, and when I heard the words come out of the mouths of my children I was devastated. My children are all now in college or the military and I am grateful that they were able to tell me how hurt they were by my disease, because I was able to make amends to them, because I found recovery and am LIVING today. I could be dead. That is the reality of this disease it takes lives.

I know the battle you are fighting. It is hard. The more you live in recovery the easier it becomes. Allow your husband to help you. Let him in. Do it for your future. Maybe you'll be lucky and won't have to live with the life long health issues that I'm facing. For me it was get into recovery or die, be a wife, a mother or die. That is what my doctor told me.

I know Re-feeding is painful, buying new clothes sucks, but it is worth it. Your kids need their mommy! Your husband needs his wife! This world needs the beautiful woman that you are!

Get rid of the anorexic clothes, buy comfortable clothes like yoga pants or sweats. If you have a scale, throw it away. Never own one. I listened to the other people in my life, I realized my head was lying to me about size. Like you said in your post you think you're getting bigger, bigger and huge. That is the anorexic mind, that is the mind (voice) that I can't trust, I needed to trust the voice of others. My loved ones told me I was beautiful, and I learned to trust that voice rather than the one (anorexia) that was telling me that I was huge.


Ugh, I don't know if any of this helps but I have been in recovery for over a year now and I feel fantastic. I have fought this thing for over twenty five years, and I feel passionate about recovery and I know you can do it. Good luck

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Old 09-01-2010, 09:49 PM   #7
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Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

Thank you Cup of Coffee,

I appreciate your honesty and I do think my side effects are significant enought that I should have the will to stop - heart arrythmia, epilepsy, oesteoporosis and the list goes on. Yet, my stubborness and selfishness rules the wanton anorexic. I think I am scared of change too.

You are right my babies are well aware of my dysfunctional behaviour. My husband has been brought to great lows in cause of anorexia.

I don't carry this disorder to draw attention to myself. Majority of the time, I just want to be left alone, which is contradictory of what I am asking for. I feel so confused.

I honestly do not want my children and my husband to watch me and account everything I do. I just want to be normal without fighting against myself all the time and the voices that remind me that restriction is of greater importance.
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Old 09-02-2010, 06:52 AM   #8
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Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

The first thing you need to do is stop berating yourself. You did not choose the disorder but you can choose what to do about it. I found that the more I read about it the more I was absorbed by it. What helped me the most was eating a little something off and on during the day. Not buying anything that has sugar and white flour. Stop looking at the scales but once a week. Finding another addiction. Get away from anyone that focuses on food. Get away from the house. For example, I jumped in full force into teaching. The perks I got from this and feed back from the kids helped so much. My self-esteem and self-worth increase. I removed myself from the 'fit' crowd that was more concerned about their looks than actually being fit. I tried to get good feelings by helping others. I think anorexia/bulimia is a disorder. I know it runs in families and I know everywhere you turn you get bombarded with everyone wanting to be thin. And all the stars get attention concerning their weight. Also, I looked in the mirror and saw how old I looked and sick I looked. I thought the thinner the better. But, thinner is only sicker. I have severe osteoporosis now and broke my wrist which is so messed up it is fused from crushed bones. Do I want to be fat? No! Do I want to be thin? Yes! But it is not the issue it use to be. I am thin but not skinny. Skinny is not pretty. You might want to read Marya Hornbecker's book. Hope things get better.

 
Old 09-02-2010, 08:53 AM   #9
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Question Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

I ask for help and I go and do the opposite thing - I took laxatives and pills over the last two days and beat myself up at gym! She is stronger and always will be because I feel useless and inadequate without her. I have this incessant need / drive to keep her going. I am messing up so badly and I do not have a conscience to stop it. Not today!

Ironically, I have the cheek to ask for help yet I am going down the slope and realistically we have the choice. Why am I like this and be all sorry and then have no conscience?

I know that I have many side affects from this disorder but I want it. Today, I want it. I want her in my life because I need her. She is an integral part of me.

I am selfish today and it is wrong, I know! I have a beautiful family I should place first and I actually place her first without regret.

How can I place her first without a conscientious effort of knowing my family is more important? I will also be throwing away 8 months of progressive therapy that I know I need and is helping me. I am turning my back!

Why does she do this to me?
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Old 09-02-2010, 08:03 PM   #10
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Re: Anorexia - Needing advice to move forward

I had to do it different. I became part of the "No Matter What" club. I was going to get better, no matter what my disease told me. I ate this or that, no matter what, the disease was telling me. I didn't weigh myself, no matter what, I wanted to do or what my disease was telling me to do.

The disease is not a person, it is a deadly disease, I refused to call my disease ED, or Ana or Mia. It was a decision I made because it is not my friend. I don't even like that my care team uses the term ED, and I have told them so.

You will not do this until you are ready. I didn't do it until I was ready. Remember that there is some evidence suggesting that there is some heredity with eating disorders, the sooner you find your way to health and wellness the less likely your own daughter will suffer from this hellish prison.

I totally understand being synonymous with your disease, but when I am well I am so much more, I am an educator, a writer, a wife and mother. I am good at what I do, no, I am great at what I do; only because I am well. I could not do those things when I was my illness. What are you good at, what desires are are buried under your disease? They will thrive in wellness. I promise. You can do it.

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