just thinking . . .
I just started a new job. The job comes really easy to me; however, my social skills are lacking. The staff will often ask me to join them for lunch or for after hour happy hour. I feel very awkward and uncomfortable in these types of settings due to socializing over the prescence of food even though this is quite normal for most people. I don't eat in front of people and if I do it is very minimal. People often make comments about this not knowing the impact that it has on me. The prescence of food does not bother me as much as the comments due. This might sound crazy, but ever since my best friend died 5 years ago, sometimes I think the ED is my new best friend. I don't want another best friend and certainly not this one. I sometimes feel like I have a love-hate relationship with this disorder. These are the thoughts that I often ruminate about and it sounds ridiculous writing these thoughts on-line. I don't really let people know me and I think that I am preceived as aloof and not approachable. I am concerned that I am not starting off on the right foot due to the ed getting the best of me again. It really is ironic that although I am feeling this way, I want to starve myself even more. I think I have all of about 5 foods on my safe list and that list is composed of fruit and a few vegetables. It really is times like this that I feel so alone.