Well. By back again I mean back in disordered eating behavior, not back at these boards.
Hi. My name is Amanda. I have struggled with self-worth issues my whole life. I have never explored why or how or when it started. I just know that I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. These feelings manifested themselves in my trying to control my weight as a teenager and into early college. But by the time I was 20 I had found my passion and talent (architecture), and all of my energy was focused and I felt confident and peaceful. Then a pressure to remain at the top of my class started to eat away at me, but before these feelings had the chance to consume me I got sick. After many months of mysterious symptoms and doctors and hospitals I received a diagnosis of Lyme Disease, and still months of antibiotic treatment later I am back to my 'normal' energy level.
But I have a new body. After being sick for so long I have lost 10 pounds. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but all of it was in muscle mass. I used to be thin, but sturdy in body type, with strong swimmer's legs and shoulders. Now I have almost no muscle, everything feels SO SO different, the way I move, the way I fit in clothes, the things I like about my body, the things I hate.
I also have a new pressure coming out of recovery from my illness, to come back strong and finish school at the top of the class, to be worth all of my parents money and worry, and my professor's energy and patience.
On top of all of this other layers of complexity have been added to my life during the past year. While I have always known I was attracted to women, I finally embarked on a relationship with one. Then at the job I had while away from school I was sexually harassed by my boss who was overly touchy and said in appropriate things about my body.
So I am left. Sitting here. Enjoying my new, more petite frame, but paranoid about keeping it (or sliming it further). Feeling frozen at school, so worried my work won't be good enough I can barely do any at all. And faced with my sexuality, finally real and demanding attention, recognition, validation.
So, in summary:
ED + school pressure
ED + physical illness
ED + homosexuality
ED + unwanted sexual attention
Any feelings? Advice? Commiseration?