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Old 12-25-2010, 06:19 PM   #1
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wagwaan HB User
gf got ed dont know what to do

Hi im new to this so dont really know what to do
but the point is im worried about my gf
ive been in a relationship with her for about 6 months now and i think shes starting to relapse i found out about her ed about 4 months ago when she broke down and when i asked what her the scars on her arm where about shes was diagnosed with bullimia and anorexia about a 1 and a half year ago she still purges not as much as she use to do but still does it and it was all going well for a month or 3 and now ive got the feeling shes relapsing again cause i went on her email and i saw a pro ana website and i saw that she was posting on there aswell and how she didnt let me touch her stomach or any where near that area what i normally am allowed to do and today i was on the phone to her talking and i was asking her what she ate seen as it is xmas and she told me 2 pieces of toast and some potatos i got worried and asked her what she ate the past days and she told me she ate toast now shes telling me she going to detox meaning she wants to fast and not eat anything till new year and go back to her old weight which was 99lbs
how can i make her see that this is not a healthy weight and that starving herself is not good either i dont want too see her destroy herself cuz she has been in hospital for this before and has actually almost died and every single time i bring it up she just pushes me away by gettin ****** off at me so she doesnt have to talk to me and then she talks to me the next day all happy but as soon as i bring it up im back where i started how can i avoid her from relapsing i love her so much and im wiling to do anything to support her to recover doesnt matter how long it will take

 
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:55 AM   #2
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Brunaction21 HB User
Re: gf got ed dont know what to do

Can identify greatly with what you are experiencing, I've been with my girlfriend for
3 years. Like you I love her but fear that I waited too long or was not forceful enough
in addressing with her the problems she has. If I could give one piece of advise is DONT wait any longer especially as she has been in hospital already. Its a thankless task unfortunately and you will at some point have to think about yourself although you're probably not at that stage yet. You could be lucky and make her see she must change for herself first and that in turn will allow everything else in your relationship to have a
chance. I eventually got through by explaining what her alter ego was doing to me and
was amazed to find out after all this time that she was blissfully unaware of the stress and heartache watching some you love fade away can do to a person. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 
Old 01-01-2011, 03:14 PM   #3
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ette2500 HB Userette2500 HB User
Re: gf got ed dont know what to do

Hello,
I am very sorry to hear that you are in such a situation.
I used to be bulimic/anorexic, so I will try to give you my advise.
First of all, you will not be able to "fix" her. An eating disorder is a form of an addiction, so you have to ask yourself if you want to stay with her and put up with all of the things you have been putting up with. It's the same as if you were dating a drug addict...are you able to stay and put up with it all? If your answer is "yes, I want to stay with her", then you will continue to put up with what you have been putting up with for years.
Your girlfriend is in the middle or the beginning of a terrible journey. A journey in which she is unable to "jump" or "snap" out of. It's as if she has entered into a tunnel, it has closed behind her and it goes on and on for thousands and thousands of miles. There is no exit point, no one can jump in and pull her out. She is on her own and she just has to go through it. A certain amount of mental or emotional pain has been put on her and, since she is unable to cope with it, her mind has subconscously shifted over to this addiction to put her focus elsewhere. There is no perfect remedy to shift her back.
Since you probably want to stay with her, I would suggest this. One day, when you're with her and you're ready, tell her this, "I believe that you still have an eating disorder. You can deny it all you want, but that is what I believe. I want you to know that if you still want me here, I'm here. If you want me to go, I will....but I will always care about you." Then, see what she says. If she wants you to go, then you will have to go. Sometimes, having people in your face about your disorder, only makes things worse. If she wants you to stay, tell her that you love her (if you do), you are there to listen and to help, and most of all, you are there to make her smile. So, although she is the only one who can advance her recovery, you can be there to keep things positive. Crack jokes, dance with her, watch funny movies, joke around. When things get too serious, don't get brought down with her....trust me, it only makes things worse - that's why she pushes you away. Keep things light. My parents knew something strange was going on with me, but I'm so glad they weren't in my face about it. Had they been, I would have been weirded out for the rest of my life about it. Tell her that s*it happens and you're always going to be there to make her smile.
I'm sorry that my advice probably sucks, but it's the truth. You probably think to tell her that she's perfect the way that she is, but it really has little to do with her look. It's so much deeper than that. Just stay positive, don't get down with her too often....and continue to have fun. It may not help her get better, but it sure won't help her get worse. If you're going to be around, flat out tell her that you're there if she ever wants to talk about anything...but that you yourself will not bring it up anymore...She HAS to be the first to bring it up. If you hear her puking, don't bring it up. Don't snoop. Just let it ride it's course. Maybe if you back off, she will talk to you about it.

 
Old 01-01-2011, 03:21 PM   #4
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ette2500 HB Userette2500 HB User
Re: gf got ed dont know what to do

Oh, and another thing, sometimes having your boyfriend worry about you, feels like a romantic thing, rather than a helpful thing. So by being there and worrying and trying to protect, you're actually egging it on. The most severe time with my disorders was spent alone. But when I had boyfriends and I would throw up once in a while and they would worry...it would, in a sick, twisted way, make me happy.

 
Old 01-02-2011, 03:54 AM   #5
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maddysaur HB User
Re: gf got ed dont know what to do

My boyfriend worries about me alot when I start to relapse.
The best thing you can do is show her that you love her, especially now. Try to make her feel good about herself and make alot more eye contact. Being there for her at this state is critical.

You may also be feeding the problem by showing how worried you are. Many girls live off of drama, including the "romantic" stress you're producing.

An eating disorder is not something that can go away over night or if you eat food. It's a full blown addiction that takes months, or years to fix. Try to ease 'safe foods' on her without her knowing. Suprise her at her favorite ice cream or coffee shop and she will most likely feel obligated to eat/drink something.

Good luck!
-Maddy(:

 
Old 01-02-2011, 04:03 AM   #6
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wagwaan HB User
Re: gf got ed dont know what to do

[/QUOTE]An eating disorder is not something that can go away over night or if you eat food. It's a full blown addiction that takes months, or years to fix. Try to ease 'safe foods' on her without her knowing. Suprise her at her favorite ice cream or coffee shop and she will most likely feel obligated to eat/drink something.

Good luck!
-Maddy(:[/QUOTE]

Thank you and i will do that i will do anything to get her to start living a normal live like new years she slept over at mine and i ordered pizza and she ate it with me although normally she always does that its more the problem with her saying that she isn't hungry even doe she hasn't ate the whole day

 
Old 01-11-2011, 03:40 AM   #7
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jaysmeen HB User
Re: gf got ed dont know what to do

One interesting fact about ED is that it is highly deceptive. Hence though I'm not telling you to doubt everything your gf says, but it might be wise to take how much she is eating with a pinch of salt. Often times people don't deceive consciously, and they really do think that they're alright/eating more. But then when you weigh them, or look at their food diaries...it's a different story. In fact, deception is one of the most powerful weapon that ED uses, because without an honest assessment of one's own condition, recovery will not begin.

Sometimes there is just so much that you can do for your loved one. I agree that too much attention can backfire, because often times ED sufferers feel that their ED makes them "unique".

My advice is to provide support at moderate amounts, without giving too much attention. Let her know that you're there to support her in recovery, and her size doesn't matter to you, and you love her as she is.

 
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