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Old 01-11-2011, 03:53 AM   #1
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jaysmeen HB User
Deceived

One thing that plagues me about eating disorders is how deceptive this illness is. Without pointing fingers at anyone in particular, it's sometimes worrying to even read many threads in this forum that rather obviously state ED behaviors, but the person still doubts whether she has an ED. One of the deceptions is that if you don't have a "full-blown" ED, then you don't have an ED at all. I can't say how deceitful that is.

I've binged since I was three, lost 20kgs (approx. 44 pounds) in 6 months when I entered college and managed to reach a healthy BMI. Fad diets became necessary, anything more than 2 small pieces of chicken and 3 strands of vege a meal is "too much". Laxatives are "good" because they "cleanse your system". Detox is beneficial because they "allow your body to rest". Vege sticks are good snacks because they are empty calories.

And yet, by no means was I ever underweight. At times it is still very frustrating because as sick as it sounds, I want to be underweight. I feel like I'm not "perfect enough". ED whispers that unless I'm underweight, it means that I should give him more control.

My health suffers. Platelets dropped. Menses comes for 3 weeks in a cycle. I think about food whole day and even for the next two days. I avoid social events. ED tells me that I'm on the "right track", but I need to do more.

In my mind, I know that I'm being deceived. I've stopped (consciously) counting calories and I think that I've improved. But sometimes I still think that I'm deceived - because I don't eat anymore than when I count.

Question: Can I differentiate between ED's lies and what is really true? How?

 
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