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Old 02-01-2011, 05:34 PM   #1
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isabella55 HB User
Question advice needed thank you.

hey all i posted before on here.. anyways heres my story

I used to be 208 pounds and I started my diet december 2009 i now weigh 134.0 pounds for 5''5 .. I since have become obsessed with weighing myself every day morning and night. I have become a vegetarian i don't eat any dairy except fat free cottage cheese which i limit myself to. no carbs, i have sometimes 1/4 a cup of raw almonds or 1 slice of fiber bread which has 70 calories. i limited my portion intakes they are very small i measure everything by cups. I don't have any sugars except natural ( fruits etc) i wish to be 120 pounds. but lately i have been feeling extremely tired although i am a very active person and i take multi vitamins everyday.. i feel like im never happy with my weight and feel i could be thinner.. i also take laxative teas once in a while to help me lose the excess weight.. would you consider 134 to be chubby? honest answers please i will post a photo of me before and after.. thank you much appreciated.
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:11 AM   #2
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melinasw HB Usermelinasw HB User
Smile Re: advice needed thank you.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN. after the birth of my son 5 years ago, my obsession with weight and addiction to food catapulted me into eating disorder hell, where unfortunately i remain. 134 is what i weigh at 5'5 as well. do i think its chubby? not on most people. your picture is beautiful. you look thinner than 134. im a pretty good judge because im biased against fat and ive been in the health industry for years as a personal trainer where it is my job to weigh people and measure body fat. your bodyfat...with your diet must be low. your face looks thin. i understand not knowing how you look. when i look in the mirror (which is all too often) all i see is fat if i am nude. if i am clothed i feel thin. so then i become confused. am i chubby or not? dont know... are you? no. so if your not than im not, right? these are of me at 140. where i cried due to my weight. they are flattering pictures. i now weigh 134 at 5'5 on the dot. am i chubby?
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:14 AM   #3
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Re: advice needed thank you.

girl you answered perfectly my question.. thank you for being so kind congratulations on your weight loss aswell. I feel much better thank you! and let me reply to your question you are not chubby at all!!! I am happy to have someone gone through the same thing and who is at the same height and weight.. thank you thank you you made my day

 
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:08 AM   #4
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melinasw HB Usermelinasw HB User
Re: advice needed thank you.

Thank you! I'm glad you feel better. your awesome!

 
Old 02-02-2011, 10:10 AM   #5
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isabella55 HB User
Re: advice needed thank you.

i always felt paranoid and like it is considered chubby.. i still will watch my weight for the rest of my life and continue my health and eating habits but i want to be 120 so bad. Its one of the hardest battles ever.. everyday I wake up praying that i drop 1 lb or two .. this morning i was 134.5 grrr.. dont like !!

 
Old 02-02-2011, 11:11 AM   #6
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melinasw HB Usermelinasw HB User
Re: advice needed thank you.

you wanna know something... i threw away my scale. bam, just like that, and i dont use my tape measure either i posted this already but i want you to read it. sorry its full of typos...but im feeling lazy and i need to get off the net. i hope it helps.

I'm 24 yrs old and mother of one. I have been bulimic since the age of 15, binging and purging, starving, and procrastinating on life. recently, i sought help when i realized my desire to fix myself was a tainted reality. my neg. subjective view of myself was taking over my life and keeping me from enjoying time with my son and spouse. For years i attempted to avoid trigger foods. and have spent years obstaining from food. keeping unter 500 calories a day was all i cared about. if i went somewhere i brought a cooler with my own healthier options weighed out carefully counted to exacting measurements. if i drank wine. i would run 6-10 miles as fast as i could to make up for it and then pass out while my infant son slept. eventually i adopted somewhat healthier habits and ate 1200 calories a day and exercised religiously to make up for it. then became a certified trainer at gyms teaching classes and weightlifting. i was still bulimic and if not for a month i felt i gained 30 pounds if 3 were actually gained. when i finally couldnt stand to compare myself anylonger i quit the health industry due to health reasons and when i sought out a psycotherapist to help me naurally without the use of drugs, i was so scared i would gain weight. the truth is. there IS more to it than your weight and shape. eating disorders are a very useful coping mechanism to disguise something inside. they are also genetic. when i say usefull i dont mean it in a positive way i mean it in a good-to-distract-you-from-yourself-without-even-knowing-its-happening-way. my therapist wanted to know what traumatic event spawned me to stuff myfeelings with food and preoccupation with weight. the cut and dry answer was that my very beautiful, very thin, very weight conscious mother commited suicide alone with me when i was 15. ive been obssessed with thinness since well, since i can remember remembering anything maybe age 5. but first came calorie restrictions, then a close friend actually taught me how to purge. then the freeedom of eating whatever i wanted and purging came next.
i never dealt with my mothers death and as i got older i lost my sense of emotion. no matter what happened i always had a this too shall pass way of dealing and i slid right over every feeling a 'normal' person may have felt. i left my spouse as a result and had one night stands all the time wondering, "how am i able to do this and why dont i feel anything?" when i trained clients and they complained i would say, "i dont feel anything" the truth was i didnt. that morning i had got up at 5am run 5 miles, lifted weights taught a yoga class, a cardio class, and a pilates class and i just didnt feel. after i quit. i decided i was so good at not feeling i needed to provide as a single mother so i tried exotic dancing. i had gained weight and felt fat the whole time but never ate while i worked. i drank vodka and seltzer with lime for eight hours and grinded on people's laps and affter 1 week.... i felt. i felt guilty. my then ex, aka. father of my kids and the only man who loves me unconditionally won me back over and forgave me for it. i felt guilt. but i felt and it hurt. i quit dancing after 3 weeks i moved back in with my family. my therapist seems pleased and dealing with feelings sucks! but you know what...apparently it gets worse before it gets better. my bulimia worsened after i moved back in with my family probably because i was a stay at home mom no longer distracted by work and it was what i knew for comfort. however, it has now tapered off and in its place i feel love taking over. honest love for people who love me. i also feel guilt, pain from my mother, resentment and all negative emotions ive tried to stuff with my insanely good cooking skills that i shouldnt be allowed to possess. except now...if i feel negative i cry instead of vomit. So dear, if this story is not incentive to discover why you are so obssessed with your weight and shape, then i dont know what to say. bulimia/ anorexia is a treachrous path. over the course of my life i can say i have lost many years of my life to self induced vomiting and binging. (which can take hours out of your day) its a serious distraction easily disguised. i wish you the best of luck as i still struggle day to day to avoid binging and purging.

 
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