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Old 02-02-2011, 10:35 AM   #1
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melinasw HB Usermelinasw HB User
daily distractions

I posted this as a reply already but who cares. I'm 24 yrs old and mother of one. I have been bulimic since the age of 15, binging and purging, starving, and procrastinating on life. recently, i sought help when i realized my desire to fix myself was a tainted reality. my neg. subjective view of myself was taking over my life and keeping me from enjoying time with my son and spouse. For years i attempted to avoid trigger foods. I tried everything to stop bingeing and have spent years obstaining from food. keeping unter 500 calories a day was all i cared about. if i went somewhere i brought a cooler with my own healthier options weighed out carefully counted to exacting measurements. sometimes when i hit a pitfall i would cook plates of desserts and doughnuts and whatever i had ingredients to make then binge and purge. Sometimes 10 times a day. i would run 6-10 miles as fast as i could to make up for it and then pass out while my infant son slept. eventually i adopted somewhat healthier habits and ate 1200 calories a day and exercised religiously to make up for it. then became a certified trainer at gyms teaching classes and weightlifting. i was still bulimic and if not for a month i felt i gained 30 pounds if 3 were actually gained. when i finally couldnt stand to compare myself anylonger i quit the health industry due to health reasons and when i sought out a psycotherapist to help me naurally without the use of drugs, i was so scared i would gain weight. the truth is. there IS more to it than your weight and shape. eating disorders are a very useful coping mechanism to disguise something inside. they are also genetic. when i say usefull i dont mean it in a positive way i mean it in a good-to-distract-you-from-yourself-without-even-knowing-its-happening-way. my therapist wanted to know what traumatic event spawned me to stuff myfeelings with food and preoccupation with weight. the cut and dry answer was that my very beautiful, very thin, very weight conscious mother commited suicide alone with me when i was 15. ive been obssessed with thinness since well, since i can remember remembering anything maybe age 5. but first came calorie restrictions, then a close friend actually taught me how to purge. then the freeedom of eating whatever i wanted and purging came next.
i never dealt with my mothers death and as i got older i lost my sense of emotion. no matter what happened i always had a this too shall pass way of dealing and i slid right over every feeling a 'normal' person may have felt. i left my spouse as a result and had one night stands all the time wondering, "how am i able to do this and why dont i feel anything?" when i trained clients and they complained i would say, "i dont feel anything" the truth was i didnt. that morning i had got up at 5am run 5 miles, lifted weights taught a yoga class, a cardio class, and a pilates class and i just didnt feel. after i quit. i decided i was so good at not feeling i needed to provide as a single mother so i tried exotic dancing. i had gained weight and felt fat the whole time but never ate while i worked. i drank vodka and seltzer with lime for eight hours and grinded on people's laps and affter 1 week.... i felt. i felt guilty. my then ex, aka. father of my kids and the only man who loves me unconditionally won me back over and forgave me for it. i felt guilt. but i felt and it hurt. i quit dancing after 3 weeks i moved back in with my family. my therapist seems pleased and dealing with feelings sucks! but you know what...apparently it gets worse before it gets better. my bulimia worsened after i moved back in with my family probably because i was a stay at home mom no longer distracted by work and it was what i knew for comfort. however, it has now tapered off and in its place i feel love taking over. honest love for people who love me. i also feel guilt, pain from my mother, resentment and all negative emotions ive tried to stuff with my insanely good cooking skills that i shouldnt be allowed to possess. except now...if i feel negative i cry instead of vomit. So dear, if this story is not incentive to discover why you are so obssessed with your weight and shape, then i dont know what to say. bulimia/ anorexia is a treachrous path. over the course of my life i can say i have lost many years of my life to self induced vomiting and binging. (which can take hours out of your day) its a serious distraction easily disguised. i wish you the best of luck as i still struggle day to day to avoid binging and purging. so thats my story. im still struggling as this disorder seems intrinsically rooted. but for all you E.D people out there...there is hope. We deserve a deeper level of existence far greater than the preoccupation with how we will get through our next luncheon or family gathering without gaining weight or triggering a full on binge. cause nobody knows like we do how much it sucks to binge and try to vomit but nothing comes up, having your eyes feel like they are going to pop out of your head as you strain to vomit and fail, andliving miserably for the two weeks following in gastric misery with swollen salivary glands.

 
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