I could really use some help
Lately, I've been noticing how screwed up my mind is and really want to do something about it. Since 2005, I've struggled with eating to a pretty significant extent; I was considered anorexic (medically) in 2006 and went through a year-long program that really helped me get over it, entirely actually. Throughout 2007 and most of 2008, I really had no problems eating or accepting my body image or anything, cause I was happy with it. But in August of 2008 I started feeling like I wasn't too happy with my appearance, and now (it's built up since then) I really feel like I may be anorexic or something. Food is on my mind a lot, and I always think about what I'm gonna eat soon and how it needs to be something healthy, and I constantly check my wrists and legs and things to see if they're getting any bigger. I also pinch my stomach and look for abs on a daily basis, so I pretty much always focus on my body. I really only think I do this cause I want a body I'm confident with, but lately I've been occasionally smoking marijuana and my highs have really been opening my eyes up to what I'm dealing with. I usually overeat as a result, cause I decide I don't want to live this way any longer and eat as much as I want (while high), however the next day feel guilty and as though I need to watch what I eat in order to cancel out the previous day. I'm so tired of living my life this way, especially cause I'm an 18 year old guy going to college next year. It's absolutely ridiculous, and I really want to start lifting weights and gaining weight, so I no longer need to rely on thinness to feel confident. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to overcome this? Thanks.