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Old 04-01-2011, 07:24 AM   #1
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looneygirl HB User
I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

Hi
I am a 20 year old female, I am 5 foot 2, (157cm) and weigh 36.0kg (5 stone 10)

I try and eat 1200 calories a day as that what is says my BMR is and I don't what to get fat, (although I don't have a clear idea what a BMR is the fitness websites say to stay the same weight you should eat your BMR)but I don't throw up at all and I weigh myself at least once a day, sometimes a lot more.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I hate what I see as I look so thin, but other times I look fat, when I see anyone smaller than me I automatically want to lose weight again, I have promised myslef about 10 times in the last month to gain weight, then refused to eat a few hours later in case I did this, as I weigh myslef and see what I weigh before and after meals if I can.

I don't know if I want to get better or not, sometimes I can see what I have done to myself (like now) other times I think I look fat, this has been happeneing for the last 4 years now, and I have been steadily losing weight all that time, I was 7 stone 10 at one point (about 50kg) when I was 16, I saw this and this is what caused this.

Sorry about wittering I am writing this down before my brain tells me I have not got an eating disorder and I delete this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
:-)

 
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Old 04-09-2011, 09:04 AM   #2
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Re: I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

The longer you have an eating disorder, the longer you will have it. If you keep with it long enough it is forever. You can modify and adjust behaviours and you can live with it but the disordered thinking never goes away. "Fat is not a feeling" is my mantra. I will be 42 in June and I have lived my life since I was 11 this way. There is a part of my brain that is always watching what I eat, my body appearance and talking me down. I have had numerous suicide attempts and hospitalizations, I have spent thousands on food, laxatives, and many other thing this condition has told me I require. I was in physical remision in my late 20s and 30s for the most part but struggled with disordered thinking daily, hourly. I have in the last two weeks severly fallen off the purge wagon. My hope for you is this - find a therapist who rocks. Sometimes you go through many who suck. Work on this - because the worst is not the physical damage (tho it is bad, my teeth are a ****** disaster area I cannot afford to fix) but the fatigue. To live focused on food an body all the time is tiring. Try to find something else.

 
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Old 06-08-2011, 01:01 AM   #3
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Re: I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

I get where your coming from. The thought pattern is forever. I remember reaching a weight where my ribs were sticking out and I was at a train station here in LA. I heard some meanspirited person call someone a "fata**) and my twisted brain automatically assued they were talking to me. My recovery went out the window for the next week. I agree with the above poster, find a good therapist, if you cant pay you can go to your college if your registered. Mine had an awesome psych program and reference to the outside for things they couldnt handle. Most colleges have somesort of a ED program you can look in to. GET CREATIVE as well. I cant stress that enough. Toss your feelings in to something artistic. or me it was building model cars and writing (from others point of view when i played them) sick minded songs. The longer you keep yourself isolated and your feelings pent up the worse you will get. Dont end up ruining your body by 26 like i did. Being a fat man all my life i thought Anorexia was the answer but now im less attractive. my teeth are nasty, i have no muscle mass, my digestive system is shot, i lost my job for incompetence "(brain fogs and major mistakes from no food), and been in the hosital more than i care to discuss.

 
Old 06-20-2011, 02:11 AM   #4
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Re: I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

Hello L,

How have you been holding up these days?

Phoenix
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Old 06-24-2011, 11:56 PM   #5
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looneygirl HB User
Re: I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

I managed to put on weight, and have spent the last 4 days losing it again, I a now 35.2kg I was 35.8kg on monday
I did it one day, surely that is a good sign even if I did lose it, is this a sign of recovary or not?

 
Old 06-25-2011, 07:22 AM   #6
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Re: I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

L,

Recovery is a process.

Sometimes you take two steps forward,then one step back and so on.

Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day;it took time....

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:33 AM   #7
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gemsiegem HB User
Re: I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

Hi looneygirl ,

I know exactly how you feel, I was and still am like that now. I used to way 5 stone but now I am up to 6 stone 9.. I got up to 7 stone which I made my goal when I was recovering but lately my goal was too much in the mirror so lost some. I am not saying this is the right thing to do because it really isn't and I should know better as I have had this illness for 5 years.

I understand why you want to stay like this, I want to keep aspects of it too to be honest with you it shows a safety guard so I know 100% that I WILL NOT ever get fat again. But you have to realise being in the 5 stone 9-10 is not healthy and could be protentially dangerous for your body's exsistance.. I know your probley thinking hippocrite but 5 stone is not beautiful I cried when my mother took a photo of me and showed me what I ended up like at that weight I would rather be in the 6 stone range it is slim/petit but not death like.

really hope this helps and I am always here if you want to talk x

 
Old 04-21-2012, 11:38 AM   #8
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earthward HB User
Re: I think I have an eating disorder but most of the time I want to stay like this

I just want to applaud you for actually posting this and being so frank and honest. If there`s one thing I`ve learned from my ED journey it`s that communication and reaching out are absolutely key to healing and recovery.

It helps me to think of my addiction as a lover. But an abusive one. I think that`s the reason it is so hard to give it up. There really are times when my eating disorder has been `there`for me and has been a non-judgemental friend when I didn`t feel I had any. There`s no denying that it has been really fun at times. Giving it up is hard because I will miss it. I will need to mourn it. But in the long run I will be so much happier without it. However, I know it`s hard to see and believe that sometimes. When you have become so enmeshed with your addiction it`s hard to imagine life without it. That`s why it`s so important to get out of your shell, talk to people, go to groups, talk to people who have been there and are recovered. They will give you hope and help you to see that there is life beyond your addiction.

 
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