Hi Everyone, I just joined this site, I guess because I just want/need someone to listen. Its embarrassing to me to write the words "I have an eating disorder" but its the truth. I can admit it in my head but I am so ashamed to say it out loud. No one knows....I mean, KNOW ONE. Im just too ashamed.
What triggered me to seek out someone to talk to or just to listen was a binge I had a couple of days ago. I am truly obsessed with being thin and I'm not sure why. Its gotten better, as I used to be anorexic (about 100lbs). Ive always worked out and eat healthy (but the healthy eating is an obsession as well). If I put anything bad in my mouth and can't throw it up (other people around, or in a public place) I counteract it with laxatives. I know this is bad, and I lie to myself saying "it's ok because I just need to get rid of this and then tomorrow I'll be good." Anway, I hadn't binged in awhile until the other day....I was bored, just felt like eating so I did, and took it overboard, just so I could go throw it all up and feel better.
I'm standing in line at the store with my basket full of "goodies" getting ready to pay for food that I know is going to be wasted, and I'm feeling completely distraguht. Rather than put it all back and leave (mostly because I think people are judging me). Here's this skinny littel girl putting back all this junkfood, she MUST be bulemic.
I just wish I could overcome this. Im ashamed of myself, and have FINALLY come to the realization that these crazy feelings/cravings/need to throw up or binge are experienced by a lot of people. Not just me. In reading some other peoples posts I feel like I'm reading about myself and it makes me want to cry knowing that other people have to deal with the feelings that I deal with everyday. Thanks for listening,
The following user gives a hug of support to kristin1422: slenderella (07-28-2011)
Good for you for seeking out others. There's no shame in having an eating disorder and the more quickly you get over that shame, the closer you will be to getting treatment and cure.
I have been a binge eater for decades and what really helped me was an online program called Shrink Yourself by Dr. Roger Gould. There is also a paperback book by the same name. My first step in recovery was loving myself enough to feel worthy of the price per month that the program cost. When I thought about how much I was spending on binge foods, that amount far exceeded the cost of the program.
I will always have to be very aware around food, but I have to tell you that I haven't binged in well over a year now, and I joined Weight Watchers three months ago and have lost some weight and am feeling like I'm in such a good place emotionally, and around food. The food just never helps, and the program will show you where you are telling yourself lies about the powerlessness you feel and help you overcome. I wish you the very, very best.
As you have said, you're not alone in this struggle. There is no shame in having an eating disoder. I can't believe how many people have been open and supportive when I've opened up and shared with them my journey.
It has been a long road of illness and recover. You've taken a huge step. There are many more steps to take in order for you to find complete health, but they are small steps. You can do it. It is a process. Keep us posted on how you're feeling.