I am struggling with this back and forth thinking. On one hand, of course I want to recover from my anorexia. I know I need to make healthy choices and start taking care of myself. As a graduate student and as a case manager, I need to be healthy.
On the other hand, I have struggled with the disorder most of my life. It is so hard to give it up. I have been seeing an ED specialist, Nutritionalist, and medical doctor. Part of me is so tired of dealing with all of this. I just want to give up sometimes and continue living with the disorder. Sometimes, I wonder if I am really worth all the effort.
I know, in my rational mind, that I want to do whatever it takes to get well. I know, in my rational mind, that living with the disorder will only have negative consequences for me. Rationally, my choice is clear. Emotionally, I am struggling.
Recovery is a long, difficult process. How do I stay motivated? How do I get myself out of this rut that I am in? I need to stop questioning whether or not I really want to recover and start actually doing it. I need to keep moving forward.
How do you all stay motivated in recovery?
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: SadieBB Phoenix (08-05-2011), txarmywife (08-05-2011)
I first of all want to congratulate you for thinking of recovering. It is very difficult at first. I think it is important to remember that your eating disorder started off as something to benefit from...often times a way to cope. (As any addiction usually does) It is usually important to work through that initial cause and retrain yourself to use positive coping skills. To realize that you can have a healthy relationship with food and weight. Yes it can be a challenge at first, but over time it will get easier and easier. You CAN get to a healthy physical and mental place. But you have to want it. You have to work at it. Its easy to stay in your illness....its harder to leave it behind. The challenge arises when you make the initial steps to get well. But you can do it. If I can, anyone can. I struggled a lot and I definetly know the turmoil those first initial steps of recovery put you in. But it is sooo worth it! I have been what I call "recoverED" for five years. Initially it was hard. I went through several treatment centers. Beat several systems so I could stay in my illness. Lied, manipulated, and starved myself of the life I deserved. There wasn't a day that I just finally decided to recover. It was a process, with many set backs. But now I can honestly say that I do not struggle with food. I eat what I want, when I want, when I'm hungry. I never thought I would get to this place as I thought 1) I'd weight fifty million pounds if I ate what I do now & 2) I didn't even know how to tell if I was hungry or not I had ignored it for so long. But guess what? I don't weigh fifty million pounds. I'm at a healthy weight for my height. I am able to listen to my body. I have energy now. I even have a family. My eating disorder deprived me of even the possibility of having children, but now that I am healthy, my husband and I have been blessed with a son You asked how to stay motivated. At times I struggled with staying motivated, but eventually it became easier and easier. I gave myself small challenges (such as eating a "bad" food or exercising for a little less than I wanted to) and I gained confidence when I was able to complete the tasks. I started small and then as I got further in my recovery was able to set bigger goals and slowly my struggles got smaller and smaller. I stayed motivated by never wanting to be in the place I was in again. I saw my little sister struggle with anorexia as a result of my disease and I realized I needed to be healthy for not only myself but to show her she deserved to be too. I have some days were I don't like my body but I love myself. I can live with weighing a little more than I might want because weighing more lets me have the life I've always wanted.
I wish you the best. I really do. I know that it is difficult. I've been there. Either way, try to be kind with yourself. Realize recovery is a process. No one is perfect at it, and that is ok. Be patient and persistent and you can do it. Talk with your treatment team openly and discuss your fears/concerns/struggles as they arise. Being honest with yourself is perhaps the biggest recovery tool you will ever have.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to txarmywife For This Useful Post: namaste11 (08-05-2011), SadieBB (08-05-2011)