A hello for support
Hi, I'm new and just want to talk to get some things off my chest.
I just want some support so I want to write a little about my past and how I'm dealing with it. I've been obsessed with weight, food, and exercise ever since I became interested in modeling 2.5 years ago. It has taken over my life. I was eating minimally and exercising at midnight and 2am most nights secretively. I hated if someone was watching me eat something or teased me about food. I have a big sweet tooth so I would skip "real" food so that I could have dessert or icecream or chocolate but would always feel terrible about it afterward and exercise to compensate. After about 2 years, I had some jobs where I didn't have access to a gym and ate more. I gained about 4 lbs and was pretty okay with it but now I feel so depressed and hopeless about my weight. I'm not doing modeling anymore and have taken myself out of that environment. I started to chew and spit out food to satisfy cravings but realized that that could get out of hand. I've tried to throw up my food if I've eaten a bit too much cake or something. I don't binge in huge quantities but I hate "giving" in to those cravings. I don't purge but I wish sometimes I could. At night I feel absolutely terrible when I look in the mirror. I've been trying to tell myself positive things and healthy mood lifters but I do cry almost every night. I want to be happy because it sucks not liking how you look. Sometimes I do really like my features, but if something doesn't fit at a store or someone says, you look healthy or I see someone thinner than me, my mood turns so quickly and I feel like crying. I honestly don't want to live anymore with all these thoughts about weight and food. Not that I'm suicidal, but I can't stay happy for a long period of time.
I don't have anyone to talk to about some of my habits and can't afford a therapist right now. I have realized that yoga, biking, and cleaning really helps me cope with negative thoughts and cravings. I have considered going to a psychiatrist or doctor for some depression medication but I'm scared to. I just feel alone a lot and sad about myself.
Thanks guys and any advice or support is appreciated.