I am very happy I found this message board, I have been looking for a place to talk for a long time..the backround too my story is that when I was 12 I had anorexia, I almost died, was hospitalized spent years in therapy and on medications, the whole nine yards...I put my family and friends through alot..
Now I am 21, and while the people in my life have for years seen me as a recovered person I feel as though I never truly recovered, and I have not been able to share that with anybody...as long as I can remember everyday has been about what I look like and what I have consumed, while physically I look healthy I am so concerned about my mental state...everynight I go to bed hating myself and everynight I conduct plans to starve and over exercise to get back to where I was...
But, I never starve, over the years there have been rare occasions were I have binged and purged, it was never a regular thing untill recently, but for the last month, or maybe more I have been doing it almost every day, this week I have managed to refrain from purging and only purged once, however I have still binged, I have put on a great amount of weight in a small period of time. I feel lost and I dont know what to do...not only am I un happy with my actions I feel too ashamed to go to my gym to work off the weight I have put on, I have fallen into a hole I cant seem to get out of...on top of feeling bad about putting on weight I feel bad about letting myself be taken over by this, after all the support and treatment I have been given I just wish that I was able to love myself, I have tortured myself for so long I feel likes its time that I loved myself...but I just cant..
I have the most supportive family a girl could ask for, a great circle of friends, alot of people who care for me and love me, but I still feel alone, and confused, I dont know where these issues stem from...
The binging and purging has been getting really bad and I am mortified when I think of what it is I actually do and some of the extents I have gone too to keep my housemates from finding out, but before I binge I feel like I have no control and that bingeing is the only option, I am not even hungry when it happens...I feel like I will never be happy, and I am so tired of feeling this way. I know the smart thing to do is probably to start seeing a psychiatrist again and maybe medication but the thought of heading back down that road makes me so so sad. I still remember the day when I was 18 and I had my last visit with the psychiatrist that treated my anorexia for years and how happy I felt, soon after I gave up my meds and I felt like I had conquered the world, I had become and adult and was leaving all that pain behind...and now I feel like I am back where I started with all the pain, any words of wisdom, comments or advise would be much appreciated. Even if there are no responses expressing myself tonight on this forum feels great..
The following user gives a hug of support to Eileen37: daydreamer08 (10-03-2011)
The binging and purging has been getting really bad
I feel like I have no control and that bingeing is the only option, I am not even hungry when it happens...I feel like I will never be happy, and I am so tired of feeling this way. I know the smart thing to do is probably to start seeing a psychiatrist again and maybe medication but the thought of heading back down that road makes me so so sad.
any words of wisdom, comments or advise would be much appreciated. Even if there are no responses expressing myself tonight on this forum feels great..
Hello Eileen37 and welcome
Your words to my eyes,it seems like it's time to seek therapeutic measures.
Try not to view it as "again" but rather "now."
Now you will begin to seek help because your ED is spiraling out of control.
Now you will take responsibility for your actions because your quality of living is in a compromised state.
Now you will view this as not being a disappointment towards others but an opportunity to rectify your situation.
It all begins with you.
Only look back as a point of reference and try not to dwell on what preceded this onset.
Not doing something is easy;taking action takes courage and I believe that you possess it.
your support is very much appreciated!! and you have given me great advice, I think I have not done anything for too long now. I also believe I have the courage to confront this and I have made an appointment too see somebody this thursday.
Also I would like to share that today I ate 3 meals and snacks - a structured day of eating!! and I feel in order, well for today .
Half of the battle is believing in yourself and the other half is putting in the work.
Imagine if you will:
A person entering a store,knowing all too well that the item he wants to purchase costs more than he has in his pockets.
Sure,they'll let him in but he won't leave with the item he intended on buying.
Same for a person who enters into treatment with a negative mindset towards recovery.
Sure they'll let him enter but he is sure to leave without the necessary tools of recovery,making relapse almost inevitable.
Keep the positivity flowing.
You know what you want,have a courageous mindset and I have a feeling ther will be an additional proverbial toolbelt set aside with your name on it for all the "tools" you'll acquire in therapy.