12 - 21, 10 years of disordered eating
I am very happy I found this message board, I have been looking for a place to talk for a long time..the backround too my story is that when I was 12 I had anorexia, I almost died, was hospitalized spent years in therapy and on medications, the whole nine yards...I put my family and friends through alot..
Now I am 21, and while the people in my life have for years seen me as a recovered person I feel as though I never truly recovered, and I have not been able to share that with anybody...as long as I can remember everyday has been about what I look like and what I have consumed, while physically I look healthy I am so concerned about my mental state...everynight I go to bed hating myself and everynight I conduct plans to starve and over exercise to get back to where I was...
But, I never starve, over the years there have been rare occasions were I have binged and purged, it was never a regular thing untill recently, but for the last month, or maybe more I have been doing it almost every day, this week I have managed to refrain from purging and only purged once, however I have still binged, I have put on a great amount of weight in a small period of time. I feel lost and I dont know what to do...not only am I un happy with my actions I feel too ashamed to go to my gym to work off the weight I have put on, I have fallen into a hole I cant seem to get out of...on top of feeling bad about putting on weight I feel bad about letting myself be taken over by this, after all the support and treatment I have been given I just wish that I was able to love myself, I have tortured myself for so long I feel likes its time that I loved myself...but I just cant..
I have the most supportive family a girl could ask for, a great circle of friends, alot of people who care for me and love me, but I still feel alone, and confused, I dont know where these issues stem from...
The binging and purging has been getting really bad and I am mortified when I think of what it is I actually do and some of the extents I have gone too to keep my housemates from finding out, but before I binge I feel like I have no control and that bingeing is the only option, I am not even hungry when it happens...I feel like I will never be happy, and I am so tired of feeling this way. I know the smart thing to do is probably to start seeing a psychiatrist again and maybe medication but the thought of heading back down that road makes me so so sad. I still remember the day when I was 18 and I had my last visit with the psychiatrist that treated my anorexia for years and how happy I felt, soon after I gave up my meds and I felt like I had conquered the world, I had become and adult and was leaving all that pain behind...and now I feel like I am back where I started with all the pain, any words of wisdom, comments or advise would be much appreciated. Even if there are no responses expressing myself tonight on this forum feels great..