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Old 10-20-2011, 08:33 AM   #1
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Shinanigan HB User
Absolutely SICK of this.

Hello everyone. I havent posted here before. Its been a long time since I opened up about my eating disorder and part of me isnt sure why I am now - I am so, SO frustrated that I am in this place again and so angry with myself.

I suffered from anorexia and bulimia (cyclic phases of each) from the age of about 15 to the age of about 23/24. I’m now 27 and I had a good few years of liberation from ED behaviours and, while the thoughts never went away (do they ever?? ) they did not affect my daily life or my health and I stayed within the healthy weight range for a good 2 years.

I still wasn’t happy with my weight but I didn’t let myself think about it because I as so fearful of dropping straight back into old habits. Then I got severe food poisoning last March and dropped a lot of weight. It was a trigger.

I was afraid to begin eating again after being ill and even when I began to feel more comfortable I severely restricted, allowing myself a very low number of calories a day and becoming really anxious if I went over those calories. I discovered a website and phone app that tracks calories and completely mis-used them, keeping a track of everything that went in my mouth and burning off everything I could.

I moved from the UK to Australia in July and between March and July I dropped even more weight. I felt completely in control and I think I needed that, what with this huge move I was making . People around me became concerned and I wrote it off as the stress of the move and they just accepted it.

Since being in Australia restricting wasn’t so easy (as I was with my partner all the time and he needed to see I was eating) so I began eating a little more and I exercised a lot. I’m completely addicted to running and have entered 6 or 7 races since being here.

Then the binging started. It began as one day a week and now I’m struggling to go a day. I began keeping track of how many days ‘controlled’ eating I could manage. Started off as about 12-14 and now I’m trying to get through 2 or 3. I binge entirely on healthy foods. I can’t even look at junk let alone binge on it, yet my binges are still consisting of a couple thousand calories I’d reckon.

I’ve upped my calorie allowance thinking it would help which I know is much healthier and I look a lot better for it but I’m now terrified of gaining more and I just don’t know what to do with myself. Mot days I feel bloated and disgusting and furious/ embarrassed that I've ruined my hard work. Food rules my life, again, and I’m in tears even having to type that. I just can’t believe I let this happen.

Sorry for such a long post. Is there anyone with a history of EDs that can relate to this or tell me what to do. I’ve been through doctors, therapists, no one has ever helped or began to understand. I just feel like a complete nutjob and I know I need help.

Thanks for reading.

Last edited by Shinanigan; 10-20-2011 at 08:38 AM.

 
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Old 10-31-2011, 07:11 AM   #2
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Shinanigan HB User
Re: Absolutely SICK of this.

This is just another example of how hopeless and frustrating life is with an eating disorder. 275 people have read this and not one of them has anything to say.

I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just disappointed... I guess there is just nothing that can be said that can help me.

 
Old 11-01-2011, 01:03 AM   #3
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always8 HB User
Re: Absolutely SICK of this.

:-( I just don't know what to say, sorry.
I relate to what you wrote but, no, I have nothing wise to reply.

X

 
Old 11-01-2011, 04:29 PM   #4
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Shinanigan HB User
Re: Absolutely SICK of this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by always8 View Post
:-( I just don't know what to say, sorry.
I relate to what you wrote but, no, I have nothing wise to reply.

X
I know, and like I said I'm not blaming anyone for not having anything to say... I guess its just so hard sometimes when you feel like theres nothing left that anyone can do or say. thanks for posting

 
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