Hello everyone. I havent posted here before. Its been a long time since I opened up about my eating disorder and part of me isnt sure why I am now - I am so, SO frustrated that I am in this place again and so angry with myself.
I suffered from anorexia and bulimia (cyclic phases of each) from the age of about 15 to the age of about 23/24. I’m now 27 and I had a good few years of liberation from ED behaviours and, while the thoughts never went away (do they ever??
) they did not affect my daily life or my health and I stayed within the healthy weight range for a good 2 years.
I still wasn’t happy with my weight but I didn’t let myself think about it because I as so fearful of dropping straight back into old habits. Then I got severe food poisoning last March and dropped a lot of weight. It was a trigger.
I was afraid to begin eating again after being ill and even when I began to feel more comfortable I severely restricted, allowing myself a very low number of calories a day and becoming really anxious if I went over those calories. I discovered a website and phone app that tracks calories and completely mis-used them, keeping a track of everything that went in my mouth and burning off everything I could.
I moved from the UK to Australia in July and between March and July I dropped even more weight. I felt completely in control and I think I needed that, what with this huge move I was making . People around me became concerned and I wrote it off as the stress of the move and they just accepted it.
Since being in Australia restricting wasn’t so easy (as I was with my partner all the time and he needed to see I was eating) so I began eating a little more and I exercised a lot. I’m completely addicted to running and have entered 6 or 7 races since being here.
Then the binging started. It began as one day a week and now I’m struggling to go a day. I began keeping track of how many days ‘controlled’ eating I could manage. Started off as about 12-14 and now I’m trying to get through 2 or 3. I binge entirely on healthy foods. I can’t even look at junk let alone binge on it, yet my binges are still consisting of a couple thousand calories I’d reckon.
I’ve upped my calorie allowance thinking it would help which I know is much healthier and I look a lot better for it but I’m now terrified of gaining more and I just don’t know what to do with myself. Mot days I feel bloated and disgusting and furious/ embarrassed that I've ruined my hard work. Food rules my life, again, and I’m in tears even having to type that. I just can’t believe I let this happen.
Sorry for such a long post. Is there anyone with a history of EDs that can relate to this or tell me what to do. I’ve been through doctors, therapists, no one has ever helped or began to understand. I just feel like a complete nutjob and I know I need help.
Thanks for reading.