Hi, I'm a 17 year old girl who's been suffering with these disorders for almost four years now. When I was younger, both my aunt and my step mother repeatedly called me fat. I didn't think any of it until I was going into high school at age 13. I had a friend who was suffering from anorexia (she's almost fully recovered now and is absolutely gorgeous) and she called me skinny and twiggish and said I was so much thinner than she was when I weighed 110lbs and was 5' and she was 5'6" and the same weight as I was.
Instead of me taking that as a compliment, I took it as a negative thing and began to throw up my dinner. At first, I could control it, just dinner and nothing else. Then I began to cut out everything but fruit. I started to lose weight.
But not long after, and though I didn't notice, I began to lose control. I was placed in the hospital when I was 14 for a suicide attempt (I still can't remember if it was because of this or something else) and I gained some weight from being in the hospital.
Going back into school, I saw the girls' stares around me and I was ashamed. So I began to starve myself and throw up whatever I ate. I lose over 22lbs.
When I was 16, I got tired of doing this repeated routine of eating and throwing up so I began to keep food down. I gained 11lbs and I was okay with that because I looked better.
But then my grandmother praised me on it, commenting on how much I look better with weight, etc. She wasn't insulting me, she was happy I was gaining. But since she was commenting on my weight (regardless of how it's said, I find that I don't like my weight being mentioned at all) so I noticed, and the voices that tell me that I'm **** came back. I lost over 15lbs.
So here I am, binging and purging and starving almost everyday.
But I've decided to stop right now, at 3:07AM, I want to stop and feel good about myself and enjoy life. Luckily, I have a loving boyfriend who now knows of this disease that inhibits within me and is more than willing to help me get through it. I think my mother knows too, which is something I'm more worried about. I'll have to see how this goes. Wish me luck!
PS: Sorry for it being so long! D: I had a lot to say.
Last edited by roxmysox; 11-06-2011 at 04:11 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to roxmysox: always8 (11-07-2011)
I can hear your panic and desperation re food behaviours.
You say you want to quit the restriction eat vomit etc. .... Do you have a concrete day-to-day plan to effect this change?
Often, I reach the point of NO MORE and I make all promises to myself and extreme boundaries on behaviours..... But it doesn't last when i've not addressed WHY i'm self-destructing in the first place.
This mayn't be true for you, but I do worry as to your blanket statement of NO MORE (stop_ feel good about myself) etc
I truly don't want to dissuade you, or kick your motivation.... I just want to alert you to the thought that it mightn't be as simple as Deciding to be Well.
All the best, look forward to hearing how you are.
The Following User Says Thank You to always8 For This Useful Post: roxmysox (11-07-2011)
Yes, I do, I've made one up and even though it's small (each day is just under a 1000 calories), I want to do this slowly and up each day's count as the weeks go by. If I start eating heavier right now, I know that I'll freak out and purge.
I know this and I thank you for your concern, I have tried to recover on my own (as mentioned in my previous post) and that didn't work for too long. It's extremely hard to recover and stay there for certain, but I'm hoping to at least give effort and try.
I'm turning 18 next year and after I graduate, I plan to move out with my boyfriend. I think being around my family (as loving as some of my relatives are) triggers me more than a magazine ever could. And also, since my boyfriend knows and is being supportive, I think the move will be a positive change. (: