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Old 12-11-2011, 07:03 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Eastern USA
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ghostofdella HB User
I'm new here. Is there a cure?

I've finally decided to sit down and figure this ridiculous behavior out.
I'm your typical eating disorder person I suppose.
I was molested as a child. I had horrible body image issues.
I wanted nobody looking at me and I wore a coat all the time to cover.
I believed I was fat and began to live up to it.
I may have used this self destruction to keep male attention at bay.
Food was my enemy and I obsessed.
I began the bulimia type behaviors at about 8 or 10 years old.

I got over it by brainwashing myself into thinking like a normal thin healthy person. I got over it by giving myself freedom to eat what ever I wanted when ever I wanted because that's how thin healthy people do it. They just WANT less, they are not forced. The fat came off and I remained at a very healthy weight never varying more than a couple of pounds and never worrying that I'd be fat again if I had a bite of a brownie. I was in that freedom for 7 years. I was so happy and at peace.

Then, I married. He said the wrong thing to me about my body and food. So, what I had believed was over (ED), was back. I began the gaining and losing and the self loathing. I began to believe that I was not good enough. It's been 4 kids and many many years and I can't get back to that freedom because I'm married. Someone else is always going to be there watching what I eat. I've been married 23 years. He's a great guy and means well, but it's just not okay. I can't even tell him because if I do, then he's got extra stress and I'm adding to my list of reasons that I'm never perfect enough.
I have figured out, FINALLY, why I remain here.
I've been the same overweight weight for near 18 years, (about 30lbs) so obviously, I have some control because I'm not gaining every year.
I have figured out why I WANT to be a bit fat.
Obviously I do want it for some strange reason or else I'd lose it. I think I don't want it and that it causes me all kinds of misery EVERY single day, but there has to be a reason that I STAY.

I know what it is and it has everything to do with the dynamics in my marriage and my own self image in it and it fuels this disorder.

The first reason I do this is if I lose, then he will watch even closer what I eat and warn me about getting fat and losing the progress I've achieved. Why does he think I need his input? Am I so incompetent that I can't look in the mirror and know? I do not need anybody freaking telling me everything that they think I need to do to be perfect!
The only thing worse than staying here at this disgusting weight, is losing it all and then gaining it all back.
The second reason is, if I lose, then he will focus on some other imperfection that I have or something that I need to try harder at and mention it. Staying here with my weight makes his focus obvious.
You see, I made the mistake of marrying the perfect man. I'm serious. He's goal oriented. He's very smart. He's good looking. He's nice. He's funny. He's done a lot of stupid things, but he sees the problem and changes. His only fault is that he thinks others should be as perfect as he is and do things his way and so he's got lots of advice to give and is easily frustrated with those who don't live up.

Has anybody been cured living under similar circumstances as mentioned here?

I cured myself once, but I'm in a whole other set of circumstances where there is another person watching, judging, making suggestions and such.
My poor hubby can't win, even if he never said a word, I would believe that I knew what he was thinking (which I do). He's my best bud, but he is a "fixer" and wants to help...to a fault. Anything he says or does though, thinking he is helping, is a major problem in this disorder. He has no clue that every thing he does to help me is taken as "I'm not good enough" and I become firmer in staying overweight, even though I wish more than anything that I could make him and myself happy by giving this 30 pounds up! I've been here now for many many years. These thoughts and issues are very much ingrained.

I am miserable...as many of you can surely relate to....

Last edited by ghostofdella; 12-12-2011 at 07:47 AM. Reason: details and sentence structure

 
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