I am extremely upset right now, so this is sort of just a vent, but also any support or advise is GREATLY appreciated.
I have struggled with anorexia for seven years, however it wasn't until this summer that it really got bad and I decided to finally seek help. I was diagnosed and referred to intensive outpatient treatment (8am-5pm every day). I did not attend because I had to start school. I have not received therapy of any kind, although I promised the doctors I would since I refused to go to the treatment program. Thankfully, moving away to college really helped me, and I've been so much better lately. But of course, I still struggle with this.
Today has been rough. I have been working out all week and trying to eat healthy because I knew that Christmas is coming up and I will be eating huge meals, cookies, etc. I was very excited for this and didn't think I would freak out about it. Today, though, I was doing all my Christmas baking, and of course, I had to have a taste of everything I made, along with the dough, batter, etc. while I was making it. I've eaten no real food today except a chicken wrap and a yogurt. Still, I am now dreading Christmas and Christmas Eve. I don't want to go home to see my family because I now feel so guilty about eating sugary and fattening foods today, and I don't want to eat Christmas food tomorrow or the day after. I'm so sad because I was very excited at first and thought I would be fine. Now I have the horrible feeling of guilt and I am not excited for Christmas at all. I feel like I have ruined it for myself by eating the way I did today and not working out, even though I know in my head it is probably fine
I was at work waitressing for 4hours, which actually does burn quite a few calories. But still, my disorder is taking control of my mind. I just wish I could laugh it off and say "who cares! it's the holidays!" like normal people. Unfortunately, I can't.