i have been sitting with myself for a while now and i have fueled rage, anger and silence then ensues. I don't know why or what is causing it but it is distressing me greatly. i am engaging in old behaviours with no remorse or guilt. I know there are severe consequences for my actions. A month ago, i felt like aces and I was really on track. then so many aspects of my life changed - i am working again after losing my last job due to anorexia two years ago. i am struggling with getting back into sync and mentally i feel lower than ever. i am juggling life with kids and work. I know i am effectively meant to be in recovery but i am battling my butt off. i have relapsed according to my psychiatrist and she feels i am going to go down quickly. I think my ED specialist and psychologist are ready to give up on me. i am engaging in extreme behaviours, so deceitful and being so dishonest about my eating and i have no remorse or guilt. A month ago i was doing well, as hard as it was i was sticking to the plan.
i am fueled with rage, i do not understand
angry because i cannot express my thoughts
and silent because if i speak them, i am effectively in the poop
so i avoid
avoid because i know i am doing bad things
i hate what i see at the moment
and i have a whole lot to lose
but nothing in my mind is telling me to stop!
__________________ In small proportions we just beauties see, in small measures life my perfect be!