Facing the Truth
This is my first post, so first of all I should probably introduce myself. I am a 22 year old college senior. My major is in the performing arts, so of course I am very appearance conscious. I have always been naturally thin (I'm 5'6 and at my very "heaviest" a couple of years ago I was around 130), but recently I have become much more into exercise and watching what I eat, just because for my career it is so important to look your best at all times. I went on weight watchers last January, when I was initially trying to lose just a few pounds and get down to 125/120, but then I stuck with the program because I was loving the results. I started working out 4 to 5 times a week, and was feeling really good and healthy. The amount of "points" someone of my size is supposed to eat in a day on weight watchers is 29. This past September, though, I started eating less. I eventually got down to eating 7 points a day (I know, awful). I basically would fill up on tons of fruits and veggies, and then eat some soup or a piece of cheese and that was it. Today I had to get a physical exam at my school's health center, and the doctor said "I'm concerned, because your BMI is a little low." I was floored to hear this. I by no means look bony or emaciated, and I was always under the (false) impression that you have to look that way to have an ED. Anyway, I asked the doctor what my BMI and weight is, and he said my BMI is 17 and my weight is 110. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I haven't weighed 110 since middle school, I'm pretty sure. Then he said he recommends I make an appointment with an ED counselor here at school, which I did. I was in shock the whole time. I knew I wasn't being healthy, and I haven't had a menstrual period in months, but I guess I just put it out of my mind and didn't want to face it. Now I'm facing it, and it's a scary thing. I need to gain weight to be healthy, and I'm determined to do so. I want to weigh 115, but for some reason the idea of eating normally and actually gaining the weight is terrifying me. I'm also dealing with the idea of "how stupid am I to have let myself get to this point? I can't believe I've been doing this to my body."
Anyway, sorry, I know that was long, but I just needed to talk to other people who may have had similar experiences. Any advice/suggestions would be much appreciated! Thanks everyone! :)
Re: Facing the Truth
Just like with any addiction recovery, the first step is admitting it. It seems like your on the right track in identifying the problem. My ed started out very innocent but manifested itself into something so evil. Be careful because it doesn't take much to cross that fine line of no return. The shame is something I never will let go. Im still in the early stages of dealing with my ed so I'm not in the position to give advice but I wish you the best in dealing with this.
Re: Facing the Truth
Thanks for sharing your story, I'm in college too! Please don't beat yourself up: Lack of awareness is a characteristic of having an eating disorder.
I also see a therapist at school and I kept talking about how I felt guilty for wasting so much time, guilty for putting other people through this, and feeling anxious because I don't really trust myself to make decisions. How could I not see it?
It's great that you are seeing a therapist and want to get to a healthy weight. My only advise is to stick with the therapy. It might get hard to talk about things and do any of the assignments, but you can make progress! :wave:
Re: Facing the Truth
[QUOTE=blueroses89;4931799] but for some reason the idea of eating normally and actually gaining the weight is terrifying me. I'm also dealing with the idea of "how stupid am I to have let myself get to this point? I can't believe I've been doing this to my body."
Anyway, sorry, I know that was long, but I just needed to talk to other people who may have had similar experiences. Any advice/suggestions would be much appreciated! Thanks everyone! :)[/QUOTE]
Eating disorders are no ones fault;they just seem to present themselves in response to emotional discomfort.
Something internally refuses to shut off the compulsion.
Body dysmorphia may play a part here also.
Might I suggest seeing a nutritionist.
I've been plagued with bulimia and detest that it's a coping mechanism.
It's interesting how an eating disorder can negatively effect one's life in several different ways.
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