I'm not even sure how to start this but I guess I'll just jump right into it. I think I have an eating disorder, but sometimes I wonder if I do because there are people out there that seem so much worse off than me. How bad do I need to be to have one? Am I anorexic or bulimic? (sp). I just have so many questions so I'm hoping someone can help me. This much I do know for a fact...I want to be better, no matter what is going on with me!!!
It started out so simple. I was over weight by roughly 30 or so pounds and my mom suggested we start going to curves for a heart health month promotion. As soon as I started working out and noticed I was losing weight, I decided that reducing my calorie intake would help. Wow! I really started losing weight. Healthy, 1-2 pounds a week. From there, I'm a little foggy how it got out of control. First, I was eating 1700 to 2000 a day in calories and then it was 1500 and then 1200 and at my worst, less than 400 but I became really sick and went up to 1200 and for the most part, I don't usually go under 1200, which is good I think. But...I do abuse laxatives and I'd really like to stop. I have a very strict eating schedule that I feel great anxiety if I do not follow it. I set my alarm even on the weekends when I don't have to get up early to get the kids ready for school so I don't stray from my eating schedule and laxative schedule. I start the obsession of what to eat from the second I get up. What to have for breakfast...1 egg and a dry toast, 2 eggs, etc....and it continues to lunch, dinner and snacks. I emotionally beat the crap out of myself for everything I do. If I eat, even a low calorie meal and I finish the whole thing I feel like crap. If I feel like something wasn't measured out right, I panic and wonder how much I may have gone over my calorie allowance. Gosh, it's just so confusing even just typing it. I don't go anywhere for fear I won't be near home to eat on time or eat what I have considered safe to eat so I don't have an anxiety attack. I don't want to take laxatives anymore and I'm terrified to continue because I don't want to die! And the worst part, I feel like my 17 year old daughter is picking up my habits because she is obsessed with working out and I see the OCD in her everyday. I know the statistics of my children suffering from what I suffer from and it kills me to think that someone could feel the absolute terror I feel every single day, all day. I'm scared that there is something in me that wants me to die. Pathetic way to think I suppose but I can't help it. First I attempted suicide several times during adolescence before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, then addiction to pain pills shortly after the birth of my youngest child with which I overdosed many times and now this, whatever it is. I know I have an eating obsession, but I just don't know what it is or how to stop it. I wouldn't wish the way I feel or what I put myself through to anyone cause it is a miserable way to feel. Oh, I do make myself throw up from time to time but it is so infrequent that I'm not sure. Like 2 to 3 times a month if even. I think I'm going to start by not taking anymore laxatives starting right now. If anyone has any suggestions what best to eat to relieve the bloating feeling and help get back to regular, I'd really appreciate it. I use to be happy, or at least off and on through out my life. I use to enjoy food and not really to an extent either, in fact, I was happier when I was slightly overweight than I am now but I can't imagine for a second gaining even a pound. I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. The number it shows can and will make or break my day or night depending on what time I've weighed myself. Also, when I do my measurements can also make or break a day. I suppose it would just be nice to talk to someone who can help me better understand what it is, how to help it stop or get better and just have an ear to listen so I don't feel like I'm dragging all my family and friends down who are so sick of listening to me have break downs.
P.S. I stumbled across this board when googling people who except or encourage the use of laxatives. Something stronger than me is pulling me in the right direction because instead of finding what I 'wanted' to find, I'm here instead and this might be the answer I was looking for all along.
Thanks for listening.
I am still here. I did quit the laxatives. It's been just over a week now and although I feel really rotten I'm glad I made that decision. I've just increased my fiber and water intake, which I probably should have been doing anyway. I've also tried pushing when I eat up by 15 minutes or so, (I don't want to push my luck to far so I don't have an anxiety attack). I've been seeing a therapist for quite awhile now for my bi-polar disorder and she is aware of my eating rituals and thinks that I have a problem. She recommended I see a nutritionist but I don't have the money for that right now.
I really hate this though. I went to the mall with my oldest daughter today and I wanted so badly to kick back with her and have something to eat without having to mentally calculate the calories...what I would have to restrict later because of it...etc...I can't even remember how free I must have felt to just eat and not worry all the time about what I was eating or what time I was eating! Has anyone successfully found a way to eat "normal"? It just feels to me like it is something that will never happen for me again. That is a depressing feeling if you know what I mean.
Thank you for your prayers and I hope everyone is well and doing good. Happy St. Patricks Day.